Tuesday, October 10, 2006

What Did You Say Your Name Is?

I owe the awareness of this story to my good friend Tracy (thank you Tracy!). She sent me an AP report that I had to read twice. It seems that one of Biloxi, Mississippi’s newest residents is little baby ESPN. ESPN’s mommy promised ESPN’s daddy that if their newborn was a son, he could name it ESPN. I couldn’t find out whether or not they will pronounce the baby’s name “E-S-P-N” or “Espen.” Whatever pronunciation they decide to use, it seems little ESPY (as I’ll call him) has a few same-named friends. The report says that there are three other baby ESPN’s that have been born during the network’s 25th anniversary year. Was there a “Name Your Baby after Our Network and Win Fabulous Cash Prizes” promotion I wasn’t aware of?

Now before I go further, I need to admit something that we’ll just call a disclaimer. My youngest twin is named after my favorite NASCAR Speedway. I also have to admit that my oldest twin was within a few minutes of also being named after a NASCAR track (and no, the name is not Daytona. I thought about it but was afraid that it sounded too much like a stripper’s stage name. However, if your name happens to be Daytona and you are a stripper, then I think it’s a lovely name). Now normally my wife would stop me at this point and tell you that my youngest girl’s name is also the name of an antique glass from England and many towns across the country have the same name. Ironically, it’s also the name of the town in Connecticut where ESPN is located, but that’s inconsequential. Although it’s a pretty good clue. Normally I just refer to them as Lucy and Ethel, or when around a younger crowd, Laverne and Shirley.

With my disclaimer out of the way, I have noticed that people will name their children many things, but naming a child after a sports network, especially one with just a few letters, is sure to give you an angry adolescent a few years down the road. Imagine the confusion having that name is going to cause.

“Hey sweetie, where is ESPN?”

“Honey, you know it’s on channel 208.”

“No dear, I mean where is our son?”

“Oh, he’s in the living room watching ESPN.”

“You mean he’s watching himself? How's that even possible? We don’t have a mirror in the living room.”

Well, you get the idea. I’m a big fan of the Speed Channel, but if I have a son I’m sure not naming him Speed. I love the Food Network but it would be unfair to have a child named Food. My wife watches Home and Garden as much as I watch Speed, but I don’t expect her to name our next child HGTV, or CMT or GAC for that matter. There are a lot of news junkies around and they are very loyal to their particular cable news outlets, so it surprises me that there aren’t more (if any) MSNBC’s, CNNs, FOX News or CSPANs running around out there. If there are it is certainly not fair or balanced, to quote Fox News.

Of course, when you have a child, you inherit the natural born right to name your offspring whatever you desire. If you want a Baby Elvis, you get a Baby Elvis. Want a Wynonna, you name her Wynonna. You think Engelbert sounds good; go write Engelbert on the birth certificate. The bottom line is that while we all reserve the right to question your newborn’s name (and don’t worry, we will), only you can select or change it. That is until little Engelbert reaches legal adult status, of course. Let’s just hope the next parents that name their child after a television network are a big fan of “Nick” at Nite.


C said...

Speed for Speed Racer!

Empress Bee (of the High Sea) said...

how about the comedy channel? they could call him "little commie"

or the food network "little pork chop" "porkie" for short

no, i've got it! fox new network! "foxy" yeah, i like that one!


ian said...

I'm reminded of a character that made a few brief appearances in Peanuts. His name was 5.



The kid better be good at sports or he's going to get teased a lot. He's going to get teased a lot anyway, but at least if he's good at sports, maybe he won't get teased and beat up.

mist1 said...

I met a kid named Asbestos. No lie.

Michael C said...

C: I was thinking of Speed Racer for that channel...maybe I'll change my mind

Bee: Foxy works perfectly.

Ian: Do you mean Peanuts as in Charlie Brown et al? How did I miss 5? At least it's better than Linus' brother Rerun.

Parlancheq: Yeah, I don't see little Espy joining the debate or chess club.

Mist: Asbestos? I hope he turned out ok!

ShadowFalcon said...

Isn't this a form of child abuse?

I guess it could be worse his name could be Cuthburt

Odat said...

Hmmm...I wonder if ESPN will even be in existence when the kid grows up. That'd be something?
OMG you named one of your twins Taladega?????? ;-)

Meloncutter said...

Dammit. Odat beat me to it. She is sharp today.


Later Yall.....

Lizza said...

I'm guessing one twin's name starts with the letter B and ends with L (I'm a European history buff among other things, hehe). The other one...Indianapolis? I'm no good when it comes to NASCAR, except for the time I fell deeply in like with Jeff Gordon. :-)

Seriously, ESPN??? Good heavens.

Meloncutter said...

It should be noted that the letters ESPN are an acronym for Extremely Small Penis Network. This is a television station for wannabe real men that have no lives.
(there.... that should fire up your comments section)

I never watch ESPN but have had the urge to since I started eating Soy products.

Later Yall.

thethinker said...

That poor child has a hard life ahead of him. Even I'd make fun of him.

Violet said...

I thought that was an urban legend. Besides, chances are that he'll end up with a nickname which is a lot quicker to say, like "Ezz".

Michael C said...

Shadow: Cuthbert would be pretty bad

Odat: Talladega was the runner up choice ;-) She would have been called Dega for short.

Melon: Thanks for coming back after Odat beat you to it ;-)

Lizza: You win the prize (at least for the B-----l guess)! I just don't know what it is yet ;-)

Thinker: I'd probably make fun, too.

Violet: Ezz is easier to say than Espy. Thanks for stopping by!

Ra Ra Ra Bunggio said...

It coulda been worse... he could've been named ESPN Alterantive or even just ESPN 2. I suppose the latter would be reserved for the second born.

Michael C said...

Ra Ra:
Or If you saw Dodge Ball, he could be named ESPN 8 -- or the Ocho for short ;-)

Irene said...

I can just imagine the pressure for ESPN to excel in sports when she grows up! :p

You might enjoy an entry I posted last April 21, 2006 entitled "Aren't You Glad Your Name Isn't Dweezil?" It's a compilation of outlandish monikers. Check it out when you have time. c",)

Ra Ra Ra Bunggio said...

I was thinking of quoting that movie but I figured no one would get it...