What Did You Say Your Name Is?

I owe the awareness of this story to my good friend Tracy (thank you Tracy!). She sent me an AP report that I had to read twice. It seems that one of Biloxi, Mississippi’s newest residents is little baby ESPN. ESPN’s mommy promised ESPN’s daddy that if their newborn was a son, he could name it ESPN. I couldn’t find out whether or not they will pronounce the baby’s name “E-S-P-N” or “Espen.” Whatever pronunciation they decide to use, it seems little ESPY (as I’ll call him) has a few same-named friends. The report says that there are three other baby ESPN’s that have been born during the network’s 25th anniversary year. Was there a “Name Your Baby after Our Network and Win Fabulous Cash Prizes” promotion I wasn’t aware of?

Now before I go further, I need to admit something that we’ll just call a disclaimer. My youngest twin is named after my favorite NASCAR Speedway. I also have to admit that my oldest twin was within a few minutes of also being named after a NASCAR track (and no, the name is not Daytona. I thought about it but was afraid that it sounded too much like a stripper’s stage name. However, if your name happens to be Daytona and you are a stripper, then I think it’s a lovely name). Now normally my wife would stop me at this point and tell you that my youngest girl’s name is also the name of an antique glass from England and many towns across the country have the same name. Ironically, it’s also the name of the town in Connecticut where ESPN is located, but that’s inconsequential. Although it’s a pretty good clue. Normally I just refer to them as Lucy and Ethel, or when around a younger crowd, Laverne and Shirley.

With my disclaimer out of the way, I have noticed that people will name their children many things, but naming a child after a sports network, especially one with just a few letters, is sure to give you an angry adolescent a few years down the road. Imagine the confusion having that name is going to cause.

“Hey sweetie, where is ESPN?”

“Honey, you know it’s on channel 208.”

“No dear, I mean where is our son?”

“Oh, he’s in the living room watching ESPN.”

“You mean he’s watching himself? How's that even possible? We don’t have a mirror in the living room.”

Well, you get the idea. I’m a big fan of the Speed Channel, but if I have a son I’m sure not naming him Speed. I love the Food Network but it would be unfair to have a child named Food. My wife watches Home and Garden as much as I watch Speed, but I don’t expect her to name our next child HGTV, or CMT or GAC for that matter. There are a lot of news junkies around and they are very loyal to their particular cable news outlets, so it surprises me that there aren’t more (if any) MSNBC’s, CNNs, FOX News or CSPANs running around out there. If there are it is certainly not fair or balanced, to quote Fox News.

Of course, when you have a child, you inherit the natural born right to name your offspring whatever you desire. If you want a Baby Elvis, you get a Baby Elvis. Want a Wynonna, you name her Wynonna. You think Engelbert sounds good; go write Engelbert on the birth certificate. The bottom line is that while we all reserve the right to question your newborn’s name (and don’t worry, we will), only you can select or change it. That is until little Engelbert reaches legal adult status, of course. Let’s just hope the next parents that name their child after a television network are a big fan of “Nick” at Nite.