Thursday, October 04, 2012

Writing, It’s Not For Chickens

Well actually it’s not for any fowl.  What I should’ve said was that it’s not for the faint of heart.  Although, I am faint of heart.  Seriously, it’s a medical fact.  Thought my heart ticks when it beats, so I’m actually “loud enough to hear it in the middle of the night” of heart.  Anyway, let’s put the train of thought back on the rails.  This post is about writing (which I write about a lot when I am trouble finding something to write about).  If that made sense, please continue on to paragraph 2…

Hey, you made it to paragraph 2.  I must say that I am surprised.  Well, I will try my best to (legally) make it worthwhile.    This is the umpteenth time I have realized I have neglected my blog.  But it’s so hard after neglecting it to come back and actually write something I would be proud to have you read.  OK, that’s not entirely accurate…because I haven’t been proud of any of my posts since I began blogging in 2006.  But, they would make a good coffee table book, you know, to put coffee on…

But, I’ve got my coffee, writing pipe in my mouth and Christmas music (uhhhhh, “Halloween” music) playing in the background.  So, I should be able to write a decent post.  Notice the “should” in that last sentence.  I could write about sports, politics or my carpet, but all of those would have everybody lining up for their side of the argument.  I’m trying to avoid that! 

I suppose I could write about food.  The two things I have wanted since I began writing are a deep-fryer (I hope my wife is reading this!) and a smoker.  Let me go ahead and say that a “smoker” is not an old person that wheezes (I did NOT say “whizzes…”).  It is a way of BBQ’ing VERY slowly.  So slowly, that I forgot I put a piece of meat in the smoker and when I remembered, it STILL wasn’t done.  But at least I can finally say that I have one!!

That’s really I all I wanted to say concerning food.  In the off chance that you will be back to read anymore of my blogs, I should go ahead and end this one before I lose you.  Wow, I don’t think I’ve ever read a poorer concluding thought.  Let me change that.  I hope your clouds are filled with gold and the grass outside your house tastes like chocolate (if I do say so myself, NICE!!)…

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Bring The Olympics Home With You

Do you find yourself still turning on NBC?  Do you wish Michael Phelps had one more race in the pool, or the Men's USA basketball team had one more opponent to wipe the floor with?  Are you missing the 1,447 Olympic commercials, or all the new promos for NBC's new "comedies" or even the McDonalds Olympic scratch-off  game?  (Why does this sound like I am about to sell you something??)

In case you have not noticed, I really miss the Olympics (and it has nothing to due with the fact that I could watch 24/7 sports on TV with an all-female household.  No seriously, that didn't factor in at all!!!)  I miss everything about the Olympics, except for maybe the occasional commercial that had nothing to do with sports, even though they had an Olympic athlete parading around to sell their product.  Like the skeet shooting Bronze medalist that touted the wonders of a new bathroom cleaning sponge.  OK, I made that one up...but at least I came clean about it!  Clean/bathroom sponge, that is funny!!  You're right, it's not...

But all your fears and longings have an answer!!  Take the Olympics home with you everyday!!  You can simply make everything about your personal life medal worthy.  It's simple (and if you call right now, we'll double the offer...), award those that live with you a medal for everything they do!  If you're dreading cleaning out that one corner of the garage, make all of your children takes turns at it.  And you can award them gold, silver and bronze.

Now I am lucky, I have 3 kids, so each one of them will get a medal.  Although Lottie being 3 years old will probably earn all bronzes.  If you have more children than that, wow you are going to have a fierce competition on your hands!  And as a plus, have each child pick their own 'anthem,' so they will hear that when they win.

Be creative.  Don't give away medals for mediocrity.  Expect the best of them for each, uhhhhh, "sport..."  You're household will thank you.  OK, your household CHORES will thank you...

Thursday, June 14, 2012

Summer Is Roaring Down The Proverbial Highway!!

Do you hear that??  It's the sounds of summer!! Actually, I don't really know what that means (is it meat on the grill, the waves of the ocean or your Mom telling you to put on sunscreen??).  But, the phrase sounds good.  So, I'm gonna stick with it!

Now Summer doesn't technically start for another week or so, but I like to be early.  Yes, early as in I like my dinner at 4...just like the senior crowd.  Who by the way, people often think I am a part of!  Are Hawaiian shirts relegated to the older folks...I think not!!

Anywhoooo!  It seems like summer.  We've already been to the beach and Sea World and the twins have already been out of state with my parents (oh man, did that seem like a good break. Uh...I didn't mean to say that out loud!!)  And...I got to attend the Beach Boys 50th Anniversary Tour!  In fact, I'm listening to them while I put this post together.  The grill has been used (although that's a multi-seasonal event) and shorts-wearing is in high demand.  Actually in So Cal, when is it NOT in high demand??

So the Sounds of Summer are definitely in style in this house.  Again, I don't know what that means. But go ahead and break out the sunscreen and your t-shirts featuring Weber grills!!  Yes, there IS such a thing  ;-)

Tuesday, June 05, 2012

The Name Of This Post Is...Well I Don't Know Yet

 I know it's like fire and oil, maybe it's fire and paper, ice and fire, perhaps fire isn't even part of the saying?  Well, what I am trying to say is that many people have discussed what it is like to create something with a blank piece of paper and a pen.  For most, it is like fire and oil, maybe it's fire and paper, ice and do you see what I am trying to say?  Gosh, I hope so!!  (Gosh???  Was I born in the 1930s??  Gosh????)

The cursor sits on my screen blinking, as if to say 'I'm ready, but you aren't.'  Do you find that happening to you once in a while? neither!!!  I realize that at about line 2 of this post, I should have deleted it, but that is letting the cursor win.  I also realize that you are thinking 'he's flirted with it for a long time, but he's finally gone crazy...'  No comment...  :)

I probably should just give you a bullet-pointed list of my best one liners, but it takes more than one line to work up to my jokes.  Well, it takes me more than one line to work towards something.  I think of them as jokes, but I always seem to say I'm sorry after delivering them!  I could try to sell them to a stand-up comic, but I always enjoy jokes when sitting down.  I'm sorry for that...I found it funny.  Oh see, I said I'm sorry.

Well, I have wasted enough time with this post!  But it's good to know that I can still sit down and write not a thing and still have it be 4 paragraphs. I'm also sorry for you if you stayed around long enough to read it!  Wocka Wocka Wocka...  :-)

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

What A Concert! Also named "My Type Of People."

This past Saturday I attended perhaps the best concert ever.  It was timed perfectly.  It was Memorial Day weekend AND Sirius radio was playing their music constantly!  You may ask yourself "how did I get here..."  No wait, that's something entirely different.  What you are most likely asking yourself is "what band is he talking about?"  The band is The Accordion Kings!

Actually I don't know if there is a band named that but if there is, I'm free to manage it, but it won't be free to manage.  The band was named the Beach Boys and it was there 50th Anniversary Tour!!  I have never written a review of a concert and I'm not about to now - other than to say it was KICKAWESOME!!!  40+ songs and it lasted at least 2 1/2 hours!  You might be doing the math about how long the songs were, but back in the 60's most songs were 2 and a half minutes.

I have seen the Beach Boys many times, but this was the first with Brian Wilson, which made it all the more special.  Now I guess I should have known what the audience would be since it's the 50th Anniversary of them getting together, but I can also be very "not-fast of mind."  So,  I was surprised that most of the audience were over 60 and practically all the men had Hawaiian shirts on!  (Not that there's anything wrong with that...)

Maybe it's just the place we saw them at - a casino in Palm Springs.  But as we were in the buffet line (ok, hold you're wise cracks) I complemented every guy I saw that had on Hawaiian shirt and asked them if they were going to the concert.  Every one of them said they were.  If I had that type of success rate, I should have gone to a casino!  Oh wait...

So what I am trying to say is that the concert was stupendous and people over 60 years old and wearing Hawaiian shirts are my type of people!!  I fit in better with that crowd than I do people my own age!  All that I am missing is the gray hair!  Uh-oh, I see one coming in...

Thursday, May 24, 2012

The Passenger's Seat

I can't drive 55.  Oh heck, I can't drive period!!  It's been 2 and a half years since I was able to get out my driving gloves and driving goggles.  Uh, did I just admit that?  Uh, well, I was joking.  Yes, I was joking!!

Ahem...moving right along!!  In the time since I have not been able drive, I have discovered a new way to get from here to there.  And, it's finally time I reveal it to you.  It's...THE PASSENGER'S SEAT.  That seat where you would put things while you were driving.  It even has it's very own window!  So, this is my Top Ten Things I Have Learned About Riding In The Passenger's Seat.

10.  They say that the driver has control of the radio...but as a passenger, you have more time to get to it!!

9.  You have time to actually read the map.  Oh, who am I kidding?  You still use the GPS to get where you're going!

8.  You have the misfortune of being the one who passes out the food when you eat at a Drive-thru.

7.  You get to look out the  window as you drive along the coast!!

6.  But you are STILL the one who has to gas up the car.  I'm trying to figure out a solution to this!!!!

5.  When you are playing the radio or a CD, you have to change the radio or CD when everyone tells you "not The Beach Boys...again!!"  Hmmmm...that just might be something you're not familiar with....

4.  YOU get to tell the driver where to turn! Or if you are me, you get to apologize for having the driver turn down the wrong street...

3.  You can lead the passengers in a re-creation of "Bohemian Rhapsody" from Wayne's World!!

2.  On the downside, you are constantly yelling "shot gun."

And the number 1 Thing I Have Learned About Riding In The Passenger's Seat:

You get to sleep while driving!!!!!  Or, play dead - whichever is more fun...

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

They Give Anyone A Blog...

There's this commercial airing where a guy was saying "they give anyone a blog."  It was a put-down, diss or my favorite "the anti-complement."  And I thought about it for a second (well, I thought about it until I saw 2 shrimps dancing to 'Night Fever' in my mind) and it's true.

But I don't think of it as a negative.  Where would I put my thoughts (and no, the trash is not an acceptable answer) if they didn't.  Where else would you have read about toilet paper, space debris, Star Trek, my disconnected railway of thoughts and having your own island if I didn't have a blog.

The answer is no where.  Unless you were to break into my computer, but then the lawyers and cops would have to be called.  I searched for the 'Anniversary of the Blog,' but found nothing.  I think that's the first time I have not Googled what I have looked for (is Googled a verb...well, now it is).  I have Googled 'where do I find recipes for fried lobster' and 'why does my computer shut down with no warning when I'm listening to David Hasselhoff's music' and I find things.  OK, that last one is a lie. But I just Googled it and I found a quote from 30 Rock, so that's as good as finding an answer!!  By the way, I just saw an ad for Scatt Recreation.  Isn't a scat something animals do...or release?  I realized that has no bearing on this article (well, either does Google) but I just wanted to share it.

Where else could you have read that last paragraph? I realize I'm asking a lot of questions and you probably thought that this was a non-participatory site, but the answer is 'what is a blog.'  Well, the 'what is a' is optional, but I feel like I am really smart when I ask and answer things in a Jeopardy form.  Try it.  See, now don't you feel smart?

I really didn't know what I was going to say in this post, and I know, it shows.  But the term 'they give anyone a blog' was just to ripe to pass up.  Speaking of being too ripe, I smell something coming from the little one....

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Top Ten Things I've Done Since Not Using Facebook As Much As I Used To

I recently have tried to use Facebook less.  By less I mean 8 daily posts instead of 15.  By definition that is LESS  :)  But seriously, I have tried to login less.  Although, you could say that I have ended up logging in more because I use to keep FB open all day.  Semantics aside, well I think that is a semantic, actually I'm not sure.  Better check with my Bible because I think Jesus' followers had many battles with the Semantics.  Oops, I have gotten off topic.  These are things I have done since being off of Facebook...

10.  Realized my daughters have almost become 10 years old.  I hope that don't ask for the presents they have been given for the last 4 years!!

9.  Realized my 'baby' girl is almost 3 years old.  I guess that explains why she can talk and walk now...

8.  I found out that my Rapper name is NOT 'E=MC2.'  That was a major blow to my psyche or a blow to my emotions or my funkiness or whatever it is called.

7.  I learned that 'groovy' was not the cool word that it used to be.  Well, that explains at least the last 4 years.  I have no idea why I was using it before then.

6.  Someone told me that Regis isn't on anymore.  That's news I would love to have gotten before now!!

5.  To my wondermint, I found that people don't come up and say 'Like' when you are speaking!  But how then are you supposed to know that people 'like' what you are saying!!

4.  I learned that people don't POKE you in public.  I guess it is seen as being rude...

3.  I learned that I had a stroke and can't drive anymore.  OK, that one is true.  When they said I had a stroke I thought they were saying I had come out with a great idea.  Ya know, a stroke of genius, not a stroke of the brain.

2.  I have realized that Denny's no longer offers their Bacon Sundae.  Perhaps it is because it's Tuesday?  That's ok if you don't laugh, because I didn't either!*

And the #1 Thing I've Done Since Not Using Facebook As Much As I Used To

I have come up with more time to think up my next Facebook status update!!!!

*Actually, I DID laugh at #2.  Well, not going number two, I meant number two on my list...

Friday, March 16, 2012

I Wonder If It’s A Pyramid Scheme?

Pardon the repost, but I had nothing better to say today. Seriously, rhyming say and today was as good as it got. So, I offer you this...

Hot on the heels of me offering to write posts for money (which was a joke, really. Honestly. Come on you can believe me) comes today’s pointless holiday that I am choosing to celebrate. Today is called Laugh and Get Rich Day. Now of course I can’t find anything about it on the Wondernet, so I am left to ASSume what we are supposed to do in honor of today.

As you might expect, I laugh…a lot. As you also might expect, I GET laughed AT a lot, too. The only problem is that all of my laughing has most certainly NOT made me rich and I’m pretty sure it hasn’t helped my coworkers (the biggest offenders of the laughing at me category) either. If they had gotten money for laughing at me, most if not all of them would no longer need to work and would be what people refer to as ‘financially independent.’ (When you read that last phrase, feel free to use air quotes. I did).

Maybe I haven’t made money laughing yet because I haven’t bought into the pyramid aspect of it. You’re familiar with the pyramid, right? No, not the one with all the clues on it and the snappy music and Dick Clark in really outdated blazers (though who doesn’t love that pyramid). I’m speaking of the symbolic pyramid where you get to watch me laugh for money and then start laughing yourself. Of course your initial laughing is not for pay because I get your money at first. But if you can get 3-5 people signed up to laugh at me, then you get a small percentage of my take and on and on. Eventually, I will be like the Darth Vader of laughing for money and you will all be my laughing storm troopers. Or maybe I would be the Emperor of laughing and you would be my Darth Vader and so on and so on. Hang with me; I know there’s a decent Star Wars analogy there. OK, how about this? I’d be the laughing Yoda and you’d all be my laughing Jedi. Yeah, that’s a pretty good one.

One thing is for sure though; if we work the pyramid correctly, I will one day be able to stand on the top of my pyramid (proverbially speaking, of course) and shout ‘I started a joke.’ I have always wanted to be able to yell that, because let’s face it, how often do we really get to reference Bee Gees song titles in our everyday comings and goings (it also gave me a semi-decent excuse to FINALLY use that cool drawing of the Bee Gees that I've kept on my hard drive for over 2 years now). And yes, I do realize that the rest of that lyric states ‘I started a joke that got the whole world crying, but I couldn’t see that the joke was on me.’ I am choosing to ignore that part though, because I am going to start a joke that gets 3-5 people to pay me, followed by another 3-5 people and then the 3-5 they’ll sign up after that. And I know what you are going to say to me when all the laughing money starts rolling in: ‘Michael, you are so rich now that you should be dancing.’ OH MY GOD, did you see that? I was just able to reference TWO Bee Gees songs in one post.

Am I going loopy? I mean I did have quite a fever last night. I guess you could call it a ‘night fever?’ Oh wow, that’s 3 titles now. Ok, I am going to stop before I lose all of my readership over the excessive use of Bee Gee song references. Yes, you could say it’s my way of Stayin’ Alive in blogsville. All right, I’m done now. I swear!

Well, I am off to try and make everyone I know laugh in the hopes of getting my pyramid ‘triangular thing that the Egyptians built with the help of aliens’ started. OK, I'll stop my 'jive talkin.'  

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Rabid Girl Scout Fears Mount

Since we are in the Girl Scout Cookie selling season (that IS a season, right??) I though I would bring back this Girl Scout Cookie post from way back when.  I do not think I used English properly there...

Approximately 1,000 Girl Scouts may have been infected with rabies after a visit to a recent camp. The fears began when girl scouts started telling their parents stories about bats living under the eaves of the camp shelter they were staying in. Many of the girls were not using the protective netting around their beds. They have been disciplined and promised not to be so reckless again.

Some of the bats that Virginia officials have captured tested negative for rabies, but the concern lingers. Rabies shots have been strongly recommended for the girls who stayed at Camp Potomac Woods. The camp now plans on adding screens to the doors, windows and sleeping quarters’ eaves to combat the problem. Why they were not added before it became a problem is still a mystery. “It seemed so odd that our windows did not have screens,” said girl scout Susie Q. “I figured it was just cheap air conditioning,” she added.

“At first the bats sleeping in our rooms scared the striped fudge cookies out of us, but then we grew to love them and kind of like adopted them as like our pets,” another Girl Scout said.

With approximately 6 months until the Girl Scout Cookie selling season begins, federal disease officials are concerned. There are growing fears at the Center For Disease Control that having up to 1,000 rabid Girl Scouts going door to door trying to sell cookies could lead to a national rabies outbreak that could not be easily contained. 

“Most citizens would succumb to the threat of a rabid Girl Scout selling cookies and buy them but there could be those stubborn holdouts who refuse,” said an anonymous CDC official. “In a rabid state, these Girl Scouts could then become irritated and violent which would help the rabies spread very quickly. So for the love of God, please buy Girl Scout cookies whether you can afford to or not!”

Girl Scout leaders have rejected the violent cookie selling theory and say they are not worried about packs of rabid Girl Scouts roaming the streets. In fact they are cashing in on the public’s fear and are working feverishly to release new flavors for the upcoming selling season. They hope that Bat Bars and Rabid Rocky Road will be hot sellers.

Friday, February 17, 2012

Hello CIA, I’m Responding To Your Ad

I joked last week (meaning November of 2006 when I originally wrote this because yes, this is a repost.  I noticed that I have not written anything in a month...) about wanting to do a story based on a radio commercial I heard about the fact that the CIA is hiring, but I was too afraid of Big Brother. I mean if my work monitors my blog, there's no telling what the CIA is doing. Well, after reading this AP story about the CIA on Yahoo, I’m ready to. The story is about how the CIA is looking for new employees, which I guess they call 'vacuum sales persons,' though I think that's code for something. The story says that they have shown ads during baseball games, taken out ad space in various magazines and airport billboards as well as during movie trailers and airtime during 'Dancing With The Stars.' Ok, I made that last one up. It even says the CIA has hired an ad agency.

I bet the ad company’s creative folks are having a blast pitching ideas to CIA employees. I can hear it now, 'ok guys, if you don’t think this tagline is good, you’re not going to shoot or torture me, right? Guys, smile, that was just a joke, really. The last thing we want to do for you guys is bomb. Get it, bomb? It's an explosive device and it also means to do something poorly. OK, it was a bad joke. Let's just keep that a secret. You guys are good at keeping secrets. Oh, I'm killing myself. Well, better me than you CIA guys...'

Now I’m glad to know that I wasn’t the only one noticing how weird it is that our government’s intelligence agency is publicly seeking employees. Apparently one of the things the CIA wants to do is wipe away the notion that all CIA work is like the very fictional world of James Bond. I’m sure my stereotypical driveling in the next few paragraphs is the EXACT type of thinking they want to discourage, but I just can’t help it. After all, when you've spent your entire life watching the 25 or so Bond films 30 times each, that works out to about 73 Bond viewings, right? Any way, that's a lot of stereotyping to have to forget.

What a relief though to know that if the CIA were to hire me I wouldn’t have to go out and buy enough tuxedos for every day of the week, especially those 1970s ones with the bow ties the size of a small Volkswagen and bell bottoms that could hide, well, the same small Volkswagen. It would be a little sad in a way to be hired by the CIA and have all of those myths associated with covert work demystified so quickly. And when in the heck did I start using phrases like ' myths associated with covert work demystified?' Sorry about that. Let me try that sentence again. It would be a little sad in a way to be hired by the CIA and get all dissappointy because the job wasn't all James Bondish like I thought it was going to be. Whew, that reads much better! I could see myself sitting in my new cubicle saying to no one in particular, “so this is it, really? Can my ballpoint pen kill anybody? When do I get to meet Q? Did I miss the lady with the caviar cart or does she come by after lunch?” At that point I’m sure I’d be executed…I mean fired. Oops.

Although I know nothing about the workings of our country’s intelligence agency (I swear. I don't even know anything about the workings of the company I work for), I would imagine that working in a cubicle there beats working in a cubicle for anyone else. Let's face it, right off the top the actual cubicle is going to be better because it's probably bullet-proof. My guess is that the two most interesting departments would be HR and the requisitioning department. My mind can only imagine what items would be requisitioned at the CIA. Of course, in reality it’s probably the same type of stuff at any company like pencils, pens, computers, paper, copier toner, post-its that can render someone unconscious and explosive tie clips. Wouldn’t it be great to hear a line like 'did you get that order of magnetic, homing device, self destructing wrist watches filled yet' or 'the submarine, machine gun equipped, flying, invisible HYBRID (because we all should go green) Ferraris will be here next week' just once while at work.

HR might be the easiest department since every personnel file would be marked ‘classified.’ Imagine having to review someone’s file to determine whether administrative leave is necessary after he or she destroyed an entire riverfront Bistro in pursuit of a wanted dangerous international smuggler. More than likely, the day-to-day monotony of a CIA HR person would be filled with healthcare enrollment options, retirement packages and sexual harassment claims filed by older cold war spies who can't stop themselves from hitting on their new, young secretaries by calling them names that have sexual innuendos like Ms. Honey Chest or Florence Tightpants and asking if they’d like to see his Aston Martin (if you catch my drift).

Man, I bet the training films are great to watch. Do you think they save money and just show Bond films or do you think they actually make the training films themselves? Do the training films talk about how important it is to put the poisonous breath mints in a different pocket than your mints or to make sure you check for bugs and wiretaps when you check into a hotel, even if it's a Holiday Inn? Does it cover the importance of leaving your disguises in the office and not forwarding government email to your best friend from high school just because it says ‘for your eyes only’ or ‘this message must be destroyed after receipt?’ My mind tingles at the possibilities.

Do you think the CIA plays other government entities in a governmental softball or bowling league? I bet that all the CIA players show up in Ray-Ban sunglasses and fake beards. I wonder if the other teams just throw the games right from the start because they are afraid of what would happen if they beat the CIA. No matter what the answers to all of these questions are, I think it would be great to join the CIA. I may actually have to apply. Or perhaps I applied several years ago and was hired...Bwahahahaha.

**Author’s Disclaimer: Of course, I do not work for the CIA. Although if I did, I could not tell you. I have no knowledge of espionage or intelligence gathering. I am not even pretending to, as that is probably a crime. Although if I did have knowledge about it, telling you would definitely be a crime. But I’m not, so there…

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

A (Not -So) New Twist In Writing

I am currently reading Gore Vidal's “Lincoln.” I know you are thinking of two things: 1. There's a lot of words in that novel and 2. There are no pictures in it. I figured I would read something out of my are of expertise. What is my area of expertise and the type of reading I am most comfortable with? Well, a Dr. Seuss book. Lots of pictures and it's short. I find it keeps my short span of attention. Unless I look at the pics for too long...

But enough of the good Dr. This post is kinda about Gore Vidal. I know it doesn't have the same bounce off your tongue style that Dr. Seuss does, but hey Dr. Seuss didn't write “Lincoln...” The one thing about “Lincoln” is that it is semi-made up. It's history with a writer's twist, because Vidal wasn't alive at the time of Lincoln so some leeway is expected. Actually a lot of leeway is expected. I just like using the word “leeway...”

This got me thinking! Which is when you should probably stop reading. A novel with some made up facts; right up my alley. I like history and I also like made-up things. So what about a novel about the American Revolution? I could include facts like: Paul Revere was once a jockey which made his riding around the countryside warning about the British that much more believable. Or did you know that George Washington once had Elvis' great great great grandfather as a general? He had a twitch in his hips when he walked. Ok, so that might not make the final edit...

Or how about made-up characters? They could add spice (and more pages) to the novel. How about introducing a military figure to WWII. Because, you know, there isn't enough military figures in that war already. His name could be...Alistair Maldives. He could be an Australian General. Imagine the Dos Equis “Most Interesting Man In The World” on steroids. Except of course Alistair wasn't on steroids. Imagine John Wayne 8 feet tall. But I'm pretty sure you get the point. He was a saucy chap. He would crumble up bullets and use them in salads. Those who reported to him would bow and those who were his enemies would give up rather than face Alistair “Look Into My Eyes” Maldives. I mean he actually smoked a pipe containing gun powder...

Well thanks to Gore Vidal for giving me something new (but historically based) to write about. These are just a few of my ideas, off the top of my head. I put no thinking into this post (like I had to tell you that). I mean Maldives isn't real...or is he???

Monday, January 09, 2012

It's Finally Here...

 Just over 3 weeks ago it started. But today it comes to an end. What am I talking about? Someone’s jury duty? How long it takes me to do long arithmetic? No. Well, maybe I came close with the math part, but I'm talking about the girls time off from school.

If you hear Andy Williams singing “It's The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year' while you are reading this, well you're not alone! The break was nice.  I FINALLY saw the Muppet's movie, I turned another year older and the girls got bikes for Christmas but I'm glad it's over. The girls need to go back to school and start their learnings back up.

And what I mean by 'their learnings,' is: it's time for me to get back to writing. It just sounded better if I played it off as something my kids needed. Of course I will be struck by lightening later for saying that, but hey, getting struck by lightening does make for an exciting story.

So...this year I am going to self-publish. I know I said it last year, but this year it's going to happen. I've got over 700 posts on this site I can dig through. So maybe I will put this blog into book form. Of course it will have lots of pictures to keep everyone's attention. OK, I'll be honest the large pictures are to keep MY attention.

Well, the time has come. I need to cut this short because I've got to wake the girls up. I'm sure THAT will be interesting. Hmmmmm, I wonder if that would make a good story...

Sunday, January 08, 2012

The Top Ten Options For Celebrating Elvis' B-day (As Approved By The King Himself)*

I post this every January 8th, so it's Jan. 8th and I leave you this...

*Although he is living on an island with Marilyn Monroe, JFK and Jim Morrison, Elvis himself did not officially endorse this Top Ten List. Neither did Elvis' estate, for that matter. Ok, they are just 10 crappy ideas I came up with. There. Now are you happy?

10. Sport trucker side burns. Sorry, this one's just for men – which I am sure Elvis would use (I mean the product. Not sure about the sideburns and all since the National Enquirer said one had to be glued back on after his death. D'oh). It drives that lady folk crazy. And if that isn't enough of an enticement guys, check this out: You don't have to shave as much of your face when sporting the trucker burns because they take up most of your cheek and hard to reach just under the jaw places.

9. Make about 36 movies – each one successively worse and each one making “The Love Guru” the “Gone With The Wind” of our generation.

8. Employ your own Mafia and then get your picture taken with the President in the Oval Office while wearing your full mafia regalia (including cape), therefore making the President look like a square. Because we all know that the title of King ALWAYS trumps the title of President. Then, as you are being driven away by your mafia, encourage them to make funny faces at the secret service because you pay them better than the President's protectors. After your visit, send a thank you note to the White House on your new stationary that is emblazoned with the slogan: “Graceland – Memphis Tennessee. Better than the White House because there is no Jungle Room or Purple curtains in the White House.” It seems over the top, but you'll feel so superior after doing it.

7. Give Cadillacs to everyone you come into contact with. Yes, I admit this one will be difficult given the price of the new 2009 Escalade and all. However, just remember it is worth it because you are buying affection AND loyalty.

6. Maintain an effective weight loss regimen by performing concerts in 60 pound, rhinestone studded jumpsuits. And pills. Take lots of pills.

5. Name your 737 after your only daughter. Or, just own a 737 – that's pretty impressive. By the way, the only celebrity I can think of these days who goes the 737 route instead of the Lear Jet route is John Travolta. Not enough celebrities fly around in their own personal airliners anymore. I'm guess this will change when Oprah and the rest of Hollywood see Obama step onto Air Force One for the first time. Yep, time to get stock in Boeing.

4. Take 2 slices of bread, a lot of peanut butter and slice up a few bananas. Then have your own kitchen lady fry it all together. Seriously, do this. It's deliciousness cannot be denied. If you Google “kitchen lady” I'm sure you can find someone.

3. Through the effective use of pills and dark drapes, make the daytime the nighttime and the nighttime the daytime. Then invite your in-laws over for lunch during the 'day.' Wait, this one is confusing even me.

2. When changing channels becomes too laborious, just shoot out the current program with a .45. It has far less buttons than I remote, I can assure you.

1. Fall in love with a severely underage girl, take her and her younger sister skating and stuff for 6 years and then marry her the minute Vegas says it's legal and have your child be born exactly 9-months to that very day.