Tuesday, January 17, 2012

A (Not -So) New Twist In Writing

I am currently reading Gore Vidal's “Lincoln.” I know you are thinking of two things: 1. There's a lot of words in that novel and 2. There are no pictures in it. I figured I would read something out of my are of expertise. What is my area of expertise and the type of reading I am most comfortable with? Well, a Dr. Seuss book. Lots of pictures and it's short. I find it keeps my short span of attention. Unless I look at the pics for too long...

But enough of the good Dr. This post is kinda about Gore Vidal. I know it doesn't have the same bounce off your tongue style that Dr. Seuss does, but hey Dr. Seuss didn't write “Lincoln...” The one thing about “Lincoln” is that it is semi-made up. It's history with a writer's twist, because Vidal wasn't alive at the time of Lincoln so some leeway is expected. Actually a lot of leeway is expected. I just like using the word “leeway...”

This got me thinking! Which is when you should probably stop reading. A novel with some made up facts; right up my alley. I like history and I also like made-up things. So what about a novel about the American Revolution? I could include facts like: Paul Revere was once a jockey which made his riding around the countryside warning about the British that much more believable. Or did you know that George Washington once had Elvis' great great great grandfather as a general? He had a twitch in his hips when he walked. Ok, so that might not make the final edit...

Or how about made-up characters? They could add spice (and more pages) to the novel. How about introducing a military figure to WWII. Because, you know, there isn't enough military figures in that war already. His name could be...Alistair Maldives. He could be an Australian General. Imagine the Dos Equis “Most Interesting Man In The World” on steroids. Except of course Alistair wasn't on steroids. Imagine John Wayne 8 feet tall. But I'm pretty sure you get the point. He was a saucy chap. He would crumble up bullets and use them in salads. Those who reported to him would bow and those who were his enemies would give up rather than face Alistair “Look Into My Eyes” Maldives. I mean he actually smoked a pipe containing gun powder...

Well thanks to Gore Vidal for giving me something new (but historically based) to write about. These are just a few of my ideas, off the top of my head. I put no thinking into this post (like I had to tell you that). I mean Maldives isn't real...or is he???

Monday, January 09, 2012

It's Finally Here...

 Just over 3 weeks ago it started. But today it comes to an end. What am I talking about? Someone’s jury duty? How long it takes me to do long arithmetic? No. Well, maybe I came close with the math part, but I'm talking about the girls time off from school.

If you hear Andy Williams singing “It's The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year' while you are reading this, well you're not alone! The break was nice.  I FINALLY saw the Muppet's movie, I turned another year older and the girls got bikes for Christmas but I'm glad it's over. The girls need to go back to school and start their learnings back up.

And what I mean by 'their learnings,' is: it's time for me to get back to writing. It just sounded better if I played it off as something my kids needed. Of course I will be struck by lightening later for saying that, but hey, getting struck by lightening does make for an exciting story.

So...this year I am going to self-publish. I know I said it last year, but this year it's going to happen. I've got over 700 posts on this site I can dig through. So maybe I will put this blog into book form. Of course it will have lots of pictures to keep everyone's attention. OK, I'll be honest the large pictures are to keep MY attention.

Well, the time has come. I need to cut this short because I've got to wake the girls up. I'm sure THAT will be interesting. Hmmmmm, I wonder if that would make a good story...

Sunday, January 08, 2012

The Top Ten Options For Celebrating Elvis' B-day (As Approved By The King Himself)*

I post this every January 8th, so it's Jan. 8th and I leave you this...

*Although he is living on an island with Marilyn Monroe, JFK and Jim Morrison, Elvis himself did not officially endorse this Top Ten List. Neither did Elvis' estate, for that matter. Ok, they are just 10 crappy ideas I came up with. There. Now are you happy?

10. Sport trucker side burns. Sorry, this one's just for men – which I am sure Elvis would use (I mean the product. Not sure about the sideburns and all since the National Enquirer said one had to be glued back on after his death. D'oh). It drives that lady folk crazy. And if that isn't enough of an enticement guys, check this out: You don't have to shave as much of your face when sporting the trucker burns because they take up most of your cheek and hard to reach just under the jaw places.

9. Make about 36 movies – each one successively worse and each one making “The Love Guru” the “Gone With The Wind” of our generation.

8. Employ your own Mafia and then get your picture taken with the President in the Oval Office while wearing your full mafia regalia (including cape), therefore making the President look like a square. Because we all know that the title of King ALWAYS trumps the title of President. Then, as you are being driven away by your mafia, encourage them to make funny faces at the secret service because you pay them better than the President's protectors. After your visit, send a thank you note to the White House on your new stationary that is emblazoned with the slogan: “Graceland – Memphis Tennessee. Better than the White House because there is no Jungle Room or Purple curtains in the White House.” It seems over the top, but you'll feel so superior after doing it.

7. Give Cadillacs to everyone you come into contact with. Yes, I admit this one will be difficult given the price of the new 2009 Escalade and all. However, just remember it is worth it because you are buying affection AND loyalty.

6. Maintain an effective weight loss regimen by performing concerts in 60 pound, rhinestone studded jumpsuits. And pills. Take lots of pills.

5. Name your 737 after your only daughter. Or, just own a 737 – that's pretty impressive. By the way, the only celebrity I can think of these days who goes the 737 route instead of the Lear Jet route is John Travolta. Not enough celebrities fly around in their own personal airliners anymore. I'm guess this will change when Oprah and the rest of Hollywood see Obama step onto Air Force One for the first time. Yep, time to get stock in Boeing.

4. Take 2 slices of bread, a lot of peanut butter and slice up a few bananas. Then have your own kitchen lady fry it all together. Seriously, do this. It's deliciousness cannot be denied. If you Google “kitchen lady” I'm sure you can find someone.

3. Through the effective use of pills and dark drapes, make the daytime the nighttime and the nighttime the daytime. Then invite your in-laws over for lunch during the 'day.' Wait, this one is confusing even me.

2. When changing channels becomes too laborious, just shoot out the current program with a .45. It has far less buttons than I remote, I can assure you.

1. Fall in love with a severely underage girl, take her and her younger sister skating and stuff for 6 years and then marry her the minute Vegas says it's legal and have your child be born exactly 9-months to that very day.