Friday, November 28, 2008

If Only I Had Seen This Yesterday...

...Or perhaps several days or weeks ago because of the lengthy prep time I am assuming accompanies what I am about to share with you. While perusing around online this morning, I came across a mention of a new take on turducken, which is odd considering that turducken itself is a new take on something. This creation was called turgooduccochiqua. Now here is where I need to you to follow closely, because things are going to get confusing fast. A turgooduccochiqua is: a quail stuffed inside a cornish game hen that is inside of a duck, which resides in a chicken that is nesting inside of turkey. But hang on there because we aren't finished yet. All of those fowl ingredients (Get it? Fowl as in foul?) are then stuffed inside of a goose, which really brings that phrase from "We Wish You A Merry Christmas" that says "the goose is getting fat" to mind. Though in this case the goose is getting morbidly obese, but that's no fun to think about when eating. Oh yes, as if that wasn't enough meaty goodness for you, apparently the whole frankenbird is lined with bacon between all of the layers.





Ok, that was me allowing you to catch your breath and truly savor the ramifications of such a delicious food concoction. It might just be the greatest newly devised food of this new century and quite possibly the best offered since the Campbell's Soup Test Kitchen gave us the green bean casserole with those Durkee Fried Onions on top or even spam or maybe even bacon salt.

One thing is clear however, we need to encourage Americans to keep experimenting in such bold culinary fashion. After all folks, America is a country founded by explorers and pioneers and that spirit needs to be nurtured. In the kitchen. 

To say that I enjoy food is about as much of an understatement as saying that Copacabana is a good song (it's one of the greatest songs ever with its drama and anguish and suspense all set to a disco beat - to help you with the understatement comparison). All of this cramming of other meats into dead turkeys makes my mind wander dreamily to other food cramming and stuffing possibilities.

Could you just imagine the Scallshrobster? You're right. You probably can't because I haven't told you what it is. It's shrimp stuffed inside scallops that yes, are stuffed into lobster. Then there's the Cheese Hamfurter. This one is pretty self-explanatory. It's a hot dog stuffed inside a hamburger. You'd think this one would be a no brainer during America's Christmas - The 4th of July. Well actually, I guess December 25th is America's Christmas, but just saying "America's Birthday" seemed so bland and trivial.

Oh, how about the Keyconut Pie? A layer of coconut cream pie on top of a layer of Key Lime pie. This one might be an acquired taste, but then so is the music of The Ray Conniff orchestra and chorus and I've learned to love it. I am sure there is something involving bacon that could be thought up, but then bacon tastes good on pretty much everything. Cheese, another addiction of mine, would also be a good universal food pairing candidate. Wait a minute that could give us Chacon Bombs. Little cubes of cheese wrapped inside little strips of bacon and rolled together - hence the bomb label. Well, that and the fact that bombs can kill you, though perhaps just a little quicker than downing several chucks of cheese and bacon at the same time.

I would love to continue this fantasy stroll down the lane of crazy food hybridization, but 1. I don't think I used hybridization correctly just now, and 2. I am getting very, very hungry. 

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Thanksgiving Eve

It's here. It's here. I'm not sure if that's actually what they call today or not, but it SHOULD be called that. I am going to write my local member of congress and suggest that he pushes legislation (or litigation - I'm not that particular) to make it so. After all, I'm sure it will be a welcome respite from all the bailout stuff. 

Speaking of bailout (and segues too), the president pardoned 2 turkeys at the White House earlier today in the annual event that has taken place since at least Harry Truman. Gerald Ford even pardoned a turkey. It's name was Nixon. Seriously folks, these are the jokes...The pardoned turkeys will get to live out the rest of their lives at the turkey farm
praying to God that their tags marking them as special, untouchable turkeys never come off strutting around knowing that they have been spared, though I bet it will make it hard for them to forge meaningful long lasting relationships. "I swear Tom, every time I get close to another Jenny, she disappears..."

While I can't believe it's already here, I love this day. There's just something about knowing the work week is prematurely over, tomorrow is nothing but food and 45 of my closest relatives (at least 60% of who I can now call by their correct name) and then Christmas decorating. Oh and the annual turkey marathon of leftovers. Then there's the airing of "It's A Wonderful Life." I'm pretty sure that every time "It's A Wonderful Life" airs that an NBC accountant gets his commission.

I read recently about the original Thanksgiving and it has really changed my approach to the holiday. I've got one word for you: LOBSTER. Yes, lobster may have been served along with other shellfish at the first Thanksgiving dinner. Since it's too late this year, next year I am proposing that my family reenacts that first Thanksgiving, complete with lobster for everyone. Although, there was no pumpkin pie at that meal, so maybe I'd better go with a hybrid new and old celebration next year. Then again, do lobster and pumpkin pie really go well together? It's bad enough that everyone gets tired after the big meal. Do we really need them getting sick instead?

Well, happy Thanksgiving to all of you. May your bellies be full and your fortunes be fuller. Wow, that was lame. Ignore that...

Monday, November 24, 2008

A Post With All The Stuffing

Since the last time I wrote a post Joe The Plumber was still relevant, I figured I’d offer up a holiday fare of actual newly written thoughts for this holiday week. I had planned on spending today writing a series of status updates on Facebook that were all related, but then realized that’s basically called Twitter and around the third or fourth update someone would catch on and point out that my idea wasn’t really that unique. Since I am not hardwired to handle that type of criticism (or mathematics, for that matter), I will spend my time writing this instead.

When I discovered the fact that you can write notes as long as you want on Facebook last night, I thought my blogging days might be over. In fact, I actually wrote a post there last night and did not share it here with you. The guilt from that is also what inspired me to finally write a new post, but since that sounds less than sincere, I’m wanted to keep it from you. Though obviously I didn’t because I am here writing all about it. I’d probably be a very bad gossiper, assuming of course that someone actually entrusted me with a piece of gossip. It reminds me of what Michael Scott once said: “I like inside jokes. Maybe someday I’ll get to be a part of one.”

So anywho, my favorite week of the year is finally upon us. While it’s true that the sole fact that this week has only 3 working days would be more than enough to qualify it as my favorite week of the year, there are actually more reasons than just that. Take for instance the weird holiday crossover effect so prevalent during this one week. We are looking forward to and preparing for Thanksgiving, but at the same time preparing and actually beginning to enjoy the fruits of the Christmas season (I mean that figuratively of course because I can’t think of a real Christmas fruit, except for fruit cake, which I love, but that is a combination of many fruits and therefore does not qualify. Plus most people don’t enjoy the holiday brick as much as I do and tend to ridicule me for it).

The dual holiday thing this week is almost like that feeling you get during the time change in the fall and spring when you move your clocks before you go to bed and get to hang out in that limbo hour between what the real time is and what the time when you wake up will be. Or perhaps it’s nothing like that because the time change does not involve eggnog or me dressing as Santa while I run through the house trying to get everyone in the mood to decorate. I guess I could make it more like that by wearing a big clock around my neck while I move the clocks forward or back, but then I’d look ridiculously like Flavor Flav. By the way, please do not ask me how someone who listens to Sinatra and Ella knew his name. Sometimes cultural osmosis can be downright cruel…

It’s also the one week a year when I can liberally reference the WKRP Turkey Drop episode and when every single morning DJ in Northern America feels the need to do the same thing. Sadly, there are not very many times of the year when you can say “as God as my witness, I thought turkeys could fly” and actually have it be relevant. Fortunately the limited time each year where you can say that is offset by the fact that you can say “they are hitting the ground like sacks of wet cement” year round. It is during this week each year that I also like to play Paul Simon’s “Still Crazy After All These Years” and then go around flapping my arms while saying “I’m dressed like a turkey. This is just humiliating” ala Paul Simon’s turkey costumed appearance on a very early episode of SNL. These moments are fleeting and rare, but have become tradition for me and holidays are nothing if not tradition.

I’ve often thought about writing down everything I do and say some Thanksgiving so that I can repeat it each year after, thereby creating instant traditions that Lucy and Ethel are sure to remember. While it might eventually seem like the film “Groundhog Day” to them, eventually they will find themselves unable to resist doing those things or reminiscing about those things when they are older because of the sheer repetitiveness of it all and will appreciate the painstaking lengths I went to in order to leave them with traditions. You know, things like accidentally cutting myself while carving the turkey or spilling cranberry sauce down the front of my pants or the insistence that everyone do the turkey dance before sitting down to our Thanksgiving meal. (Mental note: work on that dance thing. It’s a pretty good idea)

All that’s left now is for me have my annual night before Thanksgiving (which I am planning on writing my congressman to have renamed “Thanksgiving Eve”) viewing of “It’s A Wonderful Life (because how can one not be thankful after watching that heartwarming story – though my family hates when I watch it because then anytime anything rings, I have to say the thing about the angel and its wings. And yell “Clarence.” It’s fun, you should try it). Then I get to take my seat (yes, it’s at the kids table. Why do you ask?) the following afternoon and wait for my turkey leg. That sizeable down payment I made to my Grandfather when I was 10, thus ensuring that I would get a turkey leg every year he carves the turkey, has really been worth the scrimping and saving and budgeting it has forced me to do as a grown up.

Enjoy this special week and happy Thanksgiving!! Now, let the stuffed stupor begin!

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Oooh Yay, It's Sort Of A Holiday

While the title says it's a holiday, please remember this was written last January. While I'm sure somewhere in the world today is a holiday, it is not the meaningless holiday I am honoring below. Putting this up today was easier than writing something new, with all the decorating and Christmas CD making an eggnog consumptioning going on around my homestead this weekend.

Enjoy and happy Sunday, unless you are reading this later in the week because then wishing you a happy Sunday on a day when you are most likely working away in the office would just be cruel. Although, if you are reading this at work then I guess you really aren't working and then it serves you right. Yeah, I'm kidding. We all know work is the best place to get your blogging done. I mean not for me personally, for everybody else...

It’s that time for another useless holiday. You know, one of these days I am just going to sit down, invent my own holiday and use this blog to tirelessly promote it. In fact, maybe one day I’ll take your suggestions on such a day. Right now I’m leaning heavily on ‘Glorify All Things Fried Day.’ But that’s another topic for another day. I want to also have a ‘Put It Off Until Tomorrow Day,’ but it always seems to get postponed. Get it? Seriously, these are the jokes people…

Back to today, however. Today is Write To Congress Day. It might not really seem like that fun of a holiday, but that’s where a little imagination comes in. You kinda have to read between the lines and realize that the holiday doesn’t say WHAT we have to write to Congress about today. Are you with me yet? Not that we need to turn this into a letter to Santa or anything, but we can write to Congress about whatever we want, at least that’s how I interpret it.

So then, what should one write to Congress about? Taxes? The economy? The price of gas? The fat content of bacon? Why Rachael Ray has like 15 TV shows and Bob Newhart no longer has any? And what ever happened to the variety show as a television staple?

I have a theory. I imagine that Congress gets a little tired of reading the same old complaints about what is wrong with our country and all the requests to have someone’s uncle twice removed pardoned for stealing their neighbor’s canary in a case of mistaken identity because they thought it was their missing Cockatoo named Lulu. They probably get a lot of requests for internships, speaking engagements and the occasional envelope containing money. Not that they mind the money so much. Bribing political officials is legal, right?

I am choosing to shake it up a little and give Congress something more interesting to read this year. It’ll be a nice break from the monotony of legislating our country and taking vacations. And running for reelection. And christening golf courses. Maybe I’ll write a bunch of different letters. My first letter will be about urging lawmakers to limit Food Network stars to having only one show. Unless you are Alton Brown or are attractive and named Giada or have the names Paula or Deen in your name and you like to cook using butter. You know what, maybe I’m better off writing a letter about something else.

Perhaps Congress would like to know what I think they should do about the lack of exciting games shows on television. But I’m not one of those people that just go around complaining all the time; I also offer solutions. I will suggest to Congress that they pass a law making game shows more exciting by developing well-known and well-loved board games to television. First, they can adapt the board game ‘Operation’ into the TV game show format. Each episode someone will be opened up to have some useless organ the like the gall bladder, appendix or liver removed. If the surgeon contestant accidentally hits the patient’s skin while removing the useless organ, the surgeon gets shocked into unconsciousness. Oh, and docked 50 points. I think this one has real potential. And just wait for my follow up game show: Barrel Of Real Monkeys. This show will be taped outside. And let’s face it; Congress is the only branch of the government that will be able to assist me in bringing the real life version of Battleship to the small screen in a fun, entertaining and suspenseful game show using real artillery.

Yes I know that Congress doesn’t really decide what is on television, but they might want to read game show pitches for a change. There is also a stop sign I want removed from just around the corner because it slows me down when I am in a hurry to get to work. I don’t know that Congress would be the one to deal with the fact that my neighbor’s girlfriend always parks her car in front of my house, but I’m going to give it a try. And who doesn’t think that we could use more paid national holidays every year? I’ll just never understand why we don’t have April Fool’s Day or August 17th off.

These are just a few of the letters I am going to try to get written today. Just to make sure that my letters get special attention, I am having Lucy and Ethel decorate each envelope. I was going to cut out colorful letters from magazines to spell out the words on the envelope and letter, but then someone pointed out that it would look like a ransom note and that sending a ransom note to Congress could get me in a lot of trouble. And I mean the type of trouble that happens when you try to shoot our nation’s highest elected official or you have made the Thanksgiving turkey too dry. Serious, serious trouble. I am also going to put the phrase ‘you deserve a raise’ at the bottom of each letter. This should guarantee that I get preferential treatment.

So enjoy the holiday and write a letter to Congress. You elected them and they work for you. Want to talk about how dreamy your boyfriend is? Want to get a license to hunt skunks? Feel like Congress should receive a notarized copy of your grocery list? Go ahead; it’s Write Your Congress Day. Have fun!

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Want To Become A Legend? Paint A Dome!

This was originally written 2 years ago, but I spruced it up a little. It wasn't that good to begin with, so I guess all I really did was put lipstick on a pig. Sadly, I may have blurred the lines of reality and imagination in it, but even sadder still, I can't tell. You be the judge (you were supposed to say that in a low mysterious voice, by the way)...

In November of 1512, Michelangelo’s artwork on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel in Rome was unveiled to the public. Other than “ouch, it hurts thy neck to look straight up at thine painting,” the thing most overheard that day was “woweth, how’deth he doeth thateth and is thee not wearing any pants in thy painting where thee toucheth God?”

There are many facts about the frescoes (I had one at Starbucks this morning actually, but they put too much cinnamon in it again) that adorn the Chapel’s ceiling which most people probably aren’t aware of. The real facts concerning the creation of the paintings have been kept from us for almost 500 years.

My research is a little sketchy, but I wanted to share the history I’ve uncovered with you all. What most folks don’t know is that Michelangelo (who preferred to go by Mikey, which is much easier to type than Michelangelo) wasn’t as much invited by the Vatican to paint the ceiling as he was told to paint the ceiling. I've had similar experiences at work. It turns out that Mikey had been chasing this hot chick around Rome named Mona. Mona (or Ms. Lisa if you're nasty. I know, that was a stretch) snubbed Mikey and chose to court this cat named Leonardo da Vinci. Leonardo got to paint her (well do a painting of her, not physically paint her, like they did to that girl in Goldfinger, because as we learned there, painting the entire body will kill you), which broke Mikey’s heart. To deal with his grief, Mikey took to tagging all public walls in and around Rome. Instead of facing inquisition, (nobody expects the Spanish inquisition, perhaps that's because this took place in Rome) Mikey accepted several hundred hours of community service by putting his artistic prowess to good use. His community service was being forced to look upwards for several years while painting the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. A few years earlier, all of the white puffy and powdery 70's era (as in 1470s, of course) acoustic ceiling had been removed from the Chapel and it looked pretty bad, so the timing couldn’t have been better.

By painting the ceiling, not only did Mikey avoid jail time, he was also able to prove to his true unrequited love Mona that he too was a great artist. As Michelangelo was quoted as saying late in his life, “comeuppance is sweeter to thee than true love lost, especially when it is accomplished with thine own brush,” which I guess is much better than "taketh that, beeotch!"

Anyone who has ever bought paint at Home Depot on the weekend with thoughts of repainting the family room quickly can attest to what a phenomenal achievement Mikey’s painting of the Sistine Chapel’s ceiling really was. Heck, I can’t even paint around a light switch or door jam. Well I can, I just can't paint around it without accidentally painting everything near it that I should have taped off to begin with. Of course later in his life, Michelangelo was plagued by debilitating shoulder and neck pain and hundreds of people visiting the Sistine Chapel have been injured by walking into pews or other churchly objects while walking through the Chapel while looking straight up.

Sadly, there is talk of a major change to the Sistine Chapel’s ceiling. A Chapel official was quoted as saying, “You know, change is a good thing and since our patrons have been viewing the same thing for almost 500 years, we figure it’s time for something different to adorn our beloved ceiling. The fame of the Sistine Chapel has made it one of the world’s most popular tourist destinations but we are still seeing a decline in the amount of financial offerings to our church. Therefore we are taking advantage of the most popular ceiling ever, which is prime advertising space by the way, and replacing Michelangelo’s work with a large stadium-type TV screen and LCD text ribbon, similar to the one in New York's Times Square,” he added.

The new screen will be called Sistine-Vision and church officials hope it will raise millions per year in ad revenue. Major international corporations like Coca-Cola, Nike and McDonalds are already considering purchasing ad space. Paint chips of Michelangelo’s work will be saved and auctioned off on E-Bay and by Sotheby’s to fund Sistine-Vision’s construction. Plans are to have construction completed by 2009. Just think that 500 years from now we’ll be celebrating the anniversary of the unveiling of the Sistine Chapel’s ceiling all over again. It's like the circle of life, just without Elton John singing about it.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

The "I Just Saw A James Bond Movie And It Reminded Me Of This Repost" Repost: Hello CIA, I’m Responding To Your Ad

Ok, I just saw the new James Bond movie and it got me all excited (that's what she said) and reminded me of this 2 year old post. Perhaps what I remember most about it is that it took longer to make the little graphic there than it did to write this...and it shows, but I'm ok with that because I like to settle. It keeps expectations down, like 'Dow Jones plunging' down. So, as I go back to punch this up so it's not so 2006, please keep in mind that I am doing so at 2:30AM and long ago surrendered my faculites and better judgement...

I joked last week (OK, 2 years ago for those scoring at home) about wanting to do a story based on a radio commercial I heard about the fact that the CIA is hiring, but I was too afraid of Big Brother. They're like HR only with weapons and wiretapping, though unlike my HR, they probably let you surf the web. Although I'm sure it's in the name of National Security, which really isn't a good name. I prefer something more traditional like Dale or possibly Ella, if it's a girl. 

Well, after reading this AP story about the CIA on Yahoo, I’m ready to. The story is about how the CIA is looking for new employees, which I guess they call recruits or perhaps newhires or maybe if you're really lucky, agents. The story says that they have shown ads during baseball games, taken out ad space in various magazines and airport billboards as well as during movie trailers. If they're smart, they would take out ads next to the Dos Equis Most Interesting Man in the World ads, which I wrote about just a few posts below - but don't go there yet. I'd like you to finish this one first. It even says the CIA has hired an ad agency. I bet the ad company’s creative folks are having a blast pitching ideas to CIA employees. I can hear it now, “ok guys, if you don’t think this tagline is good, you’re not going to shoot or torture me, right? Guys, smile, that was just a joke, really.” No, it's not a slick pitch like they make on "Mad Men" but it's how I used to pitch clients and I even landed one of them once, so there.

Now I’m glad to know that I wasn’t the only one noticing how weird it is that our government’s intelligence agency is publicly seeking employees. Apparently one of the things the CIA wants to do is wipe away the notion that all CIA work is like the very fictional world of James Bond. I’m sure my stereotypical driveling in the next few paragraphs is the exact type of thinking they want to discourage, but I just can’t help it. And with that, cue the moving gun barrel and the image of a well dressed man walking across it preparing to shoot you. Why yes, you can pretend it's me if you'd like...

What a relief though to know that if the CIA were to hire me I wouldn’t have to go out and buy enough tuxedos for every day of the week. It would be a little sad in a way to be hired by the CIA and have all of those myths associated with covert work demystified so quickly. I could see myself sitting in my new cubicle saying to no one in particular, “so this is it, really? Can my ballpoint pen kill anybody? When do I get to meet Q? Did I miss the lady with the caviar cart or does she come by after lunch?” At that point I’m sure I’d be executed fired.

Although I know nothing about the workings of our country’s intelligence agency (in fact just using the word intelligence usually trips me up), I would imagine that working in a cubicle there beats working in a cubicle for anyone else. My guess is that the two most interesting departments would be HR and the requisitioning department. My mind can only imagine what items would be requisitioned at the CIA. Of course, in reality it’s probably the same type of stuff at any company like pencils, pens, computers, paper, copier toner and explosive tie clips. Wouldn’t it be great to hear a line like, “did you get that order of magnetic, homing device, self destructing wrist watches filled yet,” just once while at work.

HR might be the easiest department since every personnel file would be marked ‘classified.’ Imagine having to review someone’s file to determine whether administrative leave is necessary after he or she destroyed an entire riverfront Bistro in pursuit of a wanted dangerous international smuggler. More than likely, the day-to-day monotony of a CIA HR person would be filled with healthcare enrollment options, retirement packages and sexual harassment claims filed by older cold war relic spies who keep hitting on their new, young secretaries by calling them Ms. Moneypenny and asking if they’d like to see his Aston Martin (if you catch my drift). I should tell you that the notion to go with Pussy Galore instead of Ms. Moneypenny in that last sentence crossed my mind, but there's a certain word there that makes me blush. I shudder to think of using the word Moneypenny in a public setting.  The word should actually be two separate words, but that's how they created it. It's so embarassing when you catch other people making spelling or grammatic errors.

Man, I bet the training films are great to watch. Do you think they save money and just show Bond films or episodes of Get Smart or do you think they actually make the training films themselves complete with monotone narration and lots of great black and white 1950's stock footage? Do the training films talk about how important it is to forget what you overheard during lunch or to only look down at the floor or up to the ceiling when walking down the hall? Are there plenty of suggestions on how to make the perfect double entendre or witty remark after you have killed someone? Does it cover the importance of leaving your disguises in the office and not forwarding government email to your best friend from high school just because it says ‘for your eyes only’ or ‘this message must be destroyed after receipt?’ My mind tingles at the possibilities.

Do you think the CIA plays other government entities in a governmental softball or bowling league? I bet that all the CIA players show up in Ray-Ban sunglasses and fake beards. I wonder if the other teams just throw the games because they are afraid of what would happen if they beat the CIA. No matter what the answers to all of these questions are, I think me asking them out loud has just guaranteed that I will never be invited to work for their agency. Oh well, it was worth a shot, right? After all, you only live twice. And diamonds are forever. And nobody does it better. And tomorrow never dies. And we have all the time in the world (bonus points if you can name which movie that one was in). There, I think I milked that dead horse for all it's worth. Wait, that can't be right...

Monday, November 10, 2008

A Random Post Election Wrap Up That Is So ‘After The Fact’ That It Is Immediately Devalued Like A New Jaguar After It Is Driven Off The Lot

...(And Then Crashed Into A Bus Because The Driver Is Too Busying Looking At Other People Look At Him In His New Jag). - Facebook wouldn't let me fit the whole title up there, which is too bad because I spent an entire hour trying to create the longest title I could.
Although on the bright side, I now know the exact parameters I

have to work within.
Just like when writing Haiku
Which I seldom do.

See what I did there, I went Haiku-ey on you.  How mavericky, huh.  Sadly, it took even longer to compose than the title did...

Well, the election ended almost a week ago and that means it’s time for me to jump well after everyone else into the post-election wrap up. This gives me a few advantages.

One: I can read what everyone else says, translate it into the way I would talk by adding unnecessary “y”s and “ings” to it and by making comparisons to things that would not normally be compared for fear of federal prosecution, and then impress (or perhaps “regale” if I am doing it really well) everyone with my political knowledge and savvynessying.

Two: It provides me the much needed time to read “Time” (I should go ahead and warn you that doing so is so existential, it could blow your mind if you spend too much, well “Time” dwelling on it) so that I can go around telling people that “I read it in Time,” which has been proven to make people think I am 12.2% smarter than the lab rat that only bumps into a wall 7 times before realizing that part of the maze is blocked.

* I wonder if Prez-Elect Obama would consider me for a cabinet post. I was thinking Chief of Laugh or maybe Secretary of the Inferior.

* Have you ever spent your entire weekend roto-tilling your back yard to prepare for a new lawn (which of course in So Cal you can actually accomplish successfully during the winter), only to finish and then realize you’d rather just keep it muddy? It turns out mud-slinging is quite liberating. Admit it, you didn’t know where the election tie-in was going to be, which is quite all right because I didn’t either.

* I think it would be very exciting to live in a swing state. The only problem is that the word “swing” is two letters removed from “swinger” and using that word makes me uncomfortable. Perhaps we could use the phrase “states in limbo” instead. Now the only problem with “limbo” is that it makes me think of “libido” and again, that makes me squirmy. There’s always “decision challenged,” but the “cision” part of that word makes me (and most likely every male) squirmy with its biblical meat-carving connotation (for lack of a much, much better or socially acceptable description).

* Like scientists working on the Manhattan Project, I have been busy trying to do something so dangerous that it could result in complete disaster. For months (which has actually taken 4 months. I know. Isn’t the coincidence amazingly, well, coincidental), I have been trying to combine two of the most dangerous ingredients of our society into a cohesive package that could actually result in improving the lives of Americans everywhere. What are the two ingredients you ask? I want very much to be able to say that “if I told you I would have to kill you” but that phrase is so overused that I cannot bring myself to do it and will not stoop so low by using bad clichés. This is where I would normally insert a cliché in an attempt to be funny, but alas, I cannot think of one. Snap! Ok, the two ingredients are knock-knock jokes and the songbook of Barbara Streisand. I think I am finally able to release the result of my work for public consumption. Here goes:
“knock knock”
“who’s there?”
“people who?”
“people who need people are the luckiest people in the world.”
Wow, now that I’ve actually said it out loud, its overwhelming suckiness is pretty embarrassing. You could actually say it “bombed,” to go along with the whole Manhattan Project tie-in. If you wanted to, which I am fairly certain you will not.

* I realized the other day while trying to breath after wogging (walking and jogging because sometimes in the middle of running I get lazy) that if I learned to type while using 2 keyboards at the same time, I could stereotype, but people tell me that's bad.

Yes, I admit that I didn’t really write all this week’s randoms about the election, though you have to admit that thinking I was going to got your attention and made you want to read this post. See what I did there? I made a promise to get you on my side and then broke it. Wait, I shouldn’t be bragging about that, should I. Ok, it was never my intention to lie to you, but the reality of the situation forced me to. Plus there were hippos eating my breakfast and I blame them. See, I just flip-flopped AND initiated a cover-up. Golly, politics are fun!!