Monday, November 10, 2008

A Random Post Election Wrap Up That Is So ‘After The Fact’ That It Is Immediately Devalued Like A New Jaguar After It Is Driven Off The Lot

...(And Then Crashed Into A Bus Because The Driver Is Too Busying Looking At Other People Look At Him In His New Jag). - Facebook wouldn't let me fit the whole title up there, which is too bad because I spent an entire hour trying to create the longest title I could.
Although on the bright side, I now know the exact parameters I

have to work within.
Just like when writing Haiku
Which I seldom do.

See what I did there, I went Haiku-ey on you.  How mavericky, huh.  Sadly, it took even longer to compose than the title did...

Well, the election ended almost a week ago and that means it’s time for me to jump well after everyone else into the post-election wrap up. This gives me a few advantages.

One: I can read what everyone else says, translate it into the way I would talk by adding unnecessary “y”s and “ings” to it and by making comparisons to things that would not normally be compared for fear of federal prosecution, and then impress (or perhaps “regale” if I am doing it really well) everyone with my political knowledge and savvynessying.

Two: It provides me the much needed time to read “Time” (I should go ahead and warn you that doing so is so existential, it could blow your mind if you spend too much, well “Time” dwelling on it) so that I can go around telling people that “I read it in Time,” which has been proven to make people think I am 12.2% smarter than the lab rat that only bumps into a wall 7 times before realizing that part of the maze is blocked.

* I wonder if Prez-Elect Obama would consider me for a cabinet post. I was thinking Chief of Laugh or maybe Secretary of the Inferior.

* Have you ever spent your entire weekend roto-tilling your back yard to prepare for a new lawn (which of course in So Cal you can actually accomplish successfully during the winter), only to finish and then realize you’d rather just keep it muddy? It turns out mud-slinging is quite liberating. Admit it, you didn’t know where the election tie-in was going to be, which is quite all right because I didn’t either.

* I think it would be very exciting to live in a swing state. The only problem is that the word “swing” is two letters removed from “swinger” and using that word makes me uncomfortable. Perhaps we could use the phrase “states in limbo” instead. Now the only problem with “limbo” is that it makes me think of “libido” and again, that makes me squirmy. There’s always “decision challenged,” but the “cision” part of that word makes me (and most likely every male) squirmy with its biblical meat-carving connotation (for lack of a much, much better or socially acceptable description).

* Like scientists working on the Manhattan Project, I have been busy trying to do something so dangerous that it could result in complete disaster. For months (which has actually taken 4 months. I know. Isn’t the coincidence amazingly, well, coincidental), I have been trying to combine two of the most dangerous ingredients of our society into a cohesive package that could actually result in improving the lives of Americans everywhere. What are the two ingredients you ask? I want very much to be able to say that “if I told you I would have to kill you” but that phrase is so overused that I cannot bring myself to do it and will not stoop so low by using bad clichés. This is where I would normally insert a cliché in an attempt to be funny, but alas, I cannot think of one. Snap! Ok, the two ingredients are knock-knock jokes and the songbook of Barbara Streisand. I think I am finally able to release the result of my work for public consumption. Here goes:
“knock knock”
“who’s there?”
“people who?”
“people who need people are the luckiest people in the world.”
Wow, now that I’ve actually said it out loud, its overwhelming suckiness is pretty embarrassing. You could actually say it “bombed,” to go along with the whole Manhattan Project tie-in. If you wanted to, which I am fairly certain you will not.

* I realized the other day while trying to breath after wogging (walking and jogging because sometimes in the middle of running I get lazy) that if I learned to type while using 2 keyboards at the same time, I could stereotype, but people tell me that's bad.

Yes, I admit that I didn’t really write all this week’s randoms about the election, though you have to admit that thinking I was going to got your attention and made you want to read this post. See what I did there? I made a promise to get you on my side and then broke it. Wait, I shouldn’t be bragging about that, should I. Ok, it was never my intention to lie to you, but the reality of the situation forced me to. Plus there were hippos eating my breakfast and I blame them. See, I just flip-flopped AND initiated a cover-up. Golly, politics are fun!!


Anonymous said...

See, you can't go into politics because there are too many words that are close to words that make you squirmy. And everyone knows you need to be able to say just about anything without batting an eye. No matter how falso it is. Maybe you could pratcce saying limbo and swing and decision in front of a mirror until you can do it without squirming?

magickat said...

I am SHAMEFULLY behind on reading but I am trying to do some catching up on your silly entries in the next two days. So if you were late in posting this election entry... well I never would've been the wiser. It's never too late to poke fun at politics anyway.. it's never too late for puns.

Yay! More puns!!!

meleah rebeccah said...

The TITLE (and the extended paragraph) followed by the Haiku CRACKED ME UP!

"I wonder if Prez-Elect Obama would consider me for a cabinet post. I was thinking Chief of Laugh or maybe Secretary of the Inferior."

I am going with "Chief of Laugh" that suits you quite well.

“states in limbo”


Oh Michael! You did it again!

Employee No. 3699 said...

You really did impress me with your savvynessying; that and the idea of being able to stereotype.

Instead of a swing state, how about a state that fluctuates? Or a Fluctustate?

And I hope you know that I've been trying to come up with a Babs knock knock joke and can't. It's going to bug me until I do.


JennyLu said...

I have never understood the point
of writing or reading a Haiku. I know they are suppose to be a three lined stanza that somehow solves the deepest answers to the universe but I never get the point.

One political question, how is the rioting going over the right(or not) to gay marriages going out in cali? I saw some rough footage on CNN and then on the radio news they said that Ellen is refusing to pay her state sales tax because she can't get married. Can she do that?

So sorry to be nosey.

Candace said...

Dearest Michael
Your eyeball-popping title
Almost made me snort.

It is the longest
One of its kind I've yet seen
(That is what she said!)

I do love a man
Who can somehow make me laugh
At a time like this.

Patti said...

"that makes me squirmy" : TWSS

And I thought the two ingredients were going to be pumpkin shakes and egg nog.

I don't think Babs has 3 A's in her name.

"Bloggers who need bloggers are the luckiest bloggers in the world."

I guess you inspired me today.

Have a great Tuesday.

Anonymous said...

I can see you as Governor of a swinger state complete with shirt unbuttoned to your waist, gold chain and Barry Gibb hairdo. Or as the person in charge of writing the titles for Obama's press releases. LOL.

Anonymous said...

Oh glorious day
Michael goes all Haiku-ey
Blogland saved

Mel Heth said...

I dunno - that knock-knock joke made ME laugh...

Odat said...

Hey...if you were Chief of Laugh, you could hold all your meetings on Fundays!! (hehe).

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