Thursday, August 26, 2010

It's TP Day

The year was 580. What was going on then? Probably a manhunt for witches, Benedict ends his reign as Pope and the first Starbucks made it's debut in Byzantine. Well, the Benedict thing was real. But what I was talking about was the birth of...Toilet Paper. On this day (who records facts like that?) toilet paper was invented in China.

Was it a big deal? Was it one-ply or double-ply? We're those bears around that had TP stuck to their rears? I have no idea. I just like asking questions. Well, I think the bears were not there and if they were, they would have been pandas.

Truth be told, the toilet paper was produced for the royals in China. I guess everyone else was in...a sticky situation. OK that was bad. Well, not as bad as not having toilet paper!! Anyway, I bet the royals in China were very happy with their new product. Did they have a jester come out and show them it's uses...probably not. Actually the modern toilet wasn't even invented yet. So it probably wasn't even called “toilet” paper. Maybe it was called “paper for that outhouse thingy.”

Kids were probably excited because they had something to throw at their enemy's house. Because I'm sure that “leafing” a neighbor's house just didn't do the trick. And you can bet that at weddings they had empty toilet paper rolls hitched to the wedding party’s buggy. Ticker tape parades got, wait...they probably didn't use toilet paper for that. Well, I hope not!

Let's just be glad that TP isn't for just royalty anymore. Although, the TP royalty uses must be multi-ply. That's why they walk around as if something is stuck between their...I shouldn't say that. I've never ended a blog post so crudely. Let me retry the ending. Let's just be glad TP isn't just for royalty anymore. Because leaves would be very uncomfortable...especially the pine or cactus variety!!

I wrote this in a Starbucks. It''s kind of a neat feeling. Writing someplace and having coffee and music playing. Actually, I do that at home. OK, being driven someplace and writing. I could get used to this. Maybe I am starting to be a real writer. Writing in the corner of a cafe...I asked for the LARGE latte (to quote “So I Married An Axe Murder.”) Well, first I probably should find a better topic than toilet paper...

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

If you have 10 hours... deliciousness awaits!!

My wife said it looks like an overtanned senior citizen!!!  But the taste is GREAT.  The best turkey we have ever had.  The problem is that we were eating it in 105 degree temps!

Tuesday, August 24, 2010


Is “randomness” a word? Well since it didn't ask me to spellcheck it, I'll assume that it is. This will be the first post that I've written wireless. That's not really that important, but it is freeing not to have those wires on me...buh, dum, bum! But I can't think of what to write so I'll just write what ever comes to mind.

I am in a tiki mood! I usually am but today is more so. Sitting out by the grill with a hawaiian shirt is what I feel like doing. Actually, that IS what I am doing. I should get the hammock set up and then I would be all set. I am checking on the doneness of the turkey I am smoking and then I hop right back to the computer. It's the perfect day.

So I guess being off of work while recuperating isn't so bad. I've got a confession for you all. This is what I dreamed retirement would be like. I just didn't realize it would come so early. I have also dreamed that this would be the life of a writer. It's no secret that is what I want to do. Publish my posts or something similar and keep on writing knowing that I would have book deal. I have thought of compiling this blog as a self-published book. When I start to compile it though, the real world sets in. The fact that it's just random writings that no one would want to read. Although, that's why I have a blog...and it's free to do!!

So, I will continue being a pseudo writer and part-time grill master. Oh and baby's diaper-checker. Though that job I could do without. The baby's fine, just not what's in her diaper. Uh-oh, I gotta check the grill. I really didn't say much with this post, but the more I type, hopefully it will lead me back to where I used to be when I would log in to write. So thanks for reading and a woo howdy hoo to you too!

(I promise I'll have something WORTH  reading next time!!)

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

It is Bad Poetry Day

The intraweb informed that it was Bad Poetry Day. Rhyming has become difficult after the stroke. Both writing it and saying it. I literally stand there as just an empty container when I try to rhyme. But since it is Bad Poetry Day, I will attempt some poor prose...

It is Bad Poetry Day
I guess it makes what am I about say

That was bad
And actually, kind of sad
It makes my rhyming
Simply mystifying

I should put a stop to this now
But how?

Do I end a poor piece of prose the right way?
What is fitting?
To say, I am quitting?

That would not be appropriate.
So I am going to leave you all with this:

See ya
Wouldn't want to be ya
Actually, if you can drive
I'll trade places with ya

Wait, I used 'ya' twice!
So I'll just end with...
I hope your day is nice!!!

That took me 30 minutes
To just rhyme a bunch of words together
Perhaps I should have spent that time
Sewing a sweater

But it's hot out
So I will leave that for the Fall.

That is all...

Monday, August 16, 2010

Repost: Top Ten Things To Remember Elvis

*Although he is living on an island with Marilyn Monroe, JFK and Jim Morrison, this was the day Elvis was said to die.  Although Elvis himself did not officially endorse this Top Ten List. Neither did Elvis' estate, for that matter. Ok, they are just 10 bad ideas I came up with. With no thought put into it, at all.  There. Now are you happy?

10. Sport trucker side burns. Sorry, this one's just for men – which I am sure Elvis would use (I mean the product. Not sure about the sideburns and all since the National Enquirer said one had to be glued back on after his death. D'oh). It drives that lady folk crazy. And if that isn't enough of an enticement guys, check this out: You don't have to shave as much of your face when sporting the trucker burns because they take up most of your cheek and hard to reach just under the jaw places.

9. Make about 36 movies – each one successively worse and each one making “The Love Guru” the “Gone With The Wind” of our generation.

8. Employ your own Mafia and then get your picture taken with the President in the Oval Office while wearing your full mafia regalia (including cape), therefore making the President look like a square. Because we all know that the title of King ALWAYS trumps the title of President. Then, as you are being driven away by your mafia, encourage them to make funny faces at the secret service because you pay them better than the President's protectors. After your visit, send a thank you note to the White House on your new stationary that is emblazoned with the slogan: “Graceland – Memphis Tennessee. Better than the White House because there is no Jungle Room or Purple curtains in the White House.” It seems over the top, but you'll feel so superior after doing it.

7. Give Cadillacs to everyone you come into contact with. Yes, I admit this one will be difficult given the price of the new 2009 Escalade and all. However, just remember it is worth it because you are buying affection AND loyalty.

6. Maintain an effective weight loss regimen by performing concerts in 60 pound, rhinestone studded jumpsuits. And pills. Take lots of pills.

5. Name your 737 after your only daughter. Or, just own a 737 – that's pretty impressive. By the way, the only celebrity I can think of these days who goes the 737 route instead of the Lear Jet route is John Travolta. Not enough celebrities fly around in their own personal airliners anymore. I'm guess this will change when Oprah and the rest of Hollywood see Obama step onto Air Force One for the first time. Yep, time to get stock in Boeing.

4. Take 2 slices of bread, a lot of peanut butter and slice up a few bananas. Then have your own kitchen lady fry it all together. Seriously, do this. It's deliciousness cannot be denied. If you Google “kitchen lady” I'm sure you can find someone.

3. Through the effective use of pills and dark drapes, make the daytime the nighttime and the nighttime the daytime. Then invite your in-laws over for lunch during the 'day.' Wait, this one is confusing even me.

2. When changing channels becomes too laborious, just shoot out the current program with a .45. It has far less buttons than I remote, I can assure you.

1. Fall in love with a severely underage girl, take her and her younger sister skating and stuff for 6 years and then marry her the minute Vegas says it's legal and have your child be born exactly 9-months to that very day.

Friday, August 13, 2010

Things I Learned As A Result Of The Stroke...

Back in the heyday of me blogging, I used to post Thing I learned This Week each Saturday. They were a list of things that happened to me. I decided I'm going to bring that back...on Friday. And what better way to start The Things I Learned from happened to me as a result of the stroke. Not that I think a stroke is anywhere near funny, but these are funny things that happened to me...

! I learn while in the hospital watching 30 Rock with my mom, not to explain what the show is about, especially when I can't speak. Hearing me say “rowr” and “uhhhhh” over and over again does not constitute me speaking.

! I learned that my right hand is not my ally. When looking at the dinner table and seeing my hand in whatever I am eating, is not good. Especially since I couldn't feel my hand in the hot plate.

! I learned that I couldn't pour coffee. I would spill more than what ended up in my cup. But I tried everyday. You would think having to drink coffee out of a straw would have been enough of a clue!

!  I learned that while holding a cup in my right hand, I would carry it at a 45 degree angle.  The are lots of spill stains on the carpet from this part of life.

! I learned that having a bare spot across the back of where your hair was supposed to be is not a sign of advanced intelligence. How does Jean Luc Picard make it work?

! I learned that having my smile come out of one side of my mouth did not make me look cool or like I had a chip on my shoulder. However, the cane I had did!

! I learned that I could no longer keep a beat when it comes to music. You know what, that was not anything new...

! I learned that people who suffer a brain injury need a lot of sleep. Well, I didn't mind that one too much...

! I learned that when I am taken to LA from Riverside in an ambulance, I should not offer the ambulance drivers a Fat Burger, if they stop so I can get one.

And lastly,

! I learned that when I am at my brothers house in Arizona and I am trying to show my family that I can drive, the best thing NOT to do is ride his ATV going 25 miles an hour into a tree! However, he did get to buy a new ATV!

Thursday, August 12, 2010

The Day (After) They Go Back To School

I was going to sit in a cafe up the street with WiFi and write about how the twins started school and how it was exciting for me because they're gone 8 hours a day. Any parent knows what I'm talking about. Yes I am going to miss them, but I'm not complaining that they have to go to school...two identical twins start to get on each others nerves...which gets on my nerves. But I had to change my plans. We had to put my dog, Mabel, down yesterday.

She was 7 and large Golden Retriever. It's the first dog I had, so it made it that much tougher. We have a large backyard, but it seems so lonely with her not back there. But that is what happens when you have a pet...eventually. I hope to get another dog in time. Now though, we're missing Mabel. So, I will try to write how happy I am about the twins being in school.

You all remember the Staples commercial where the guy goes around singing “It's The Most Wonderful Time of the Year” because his kids were starting school. Well, let me just say I have had the Andy Williams (that's who recorded “Most Wonderful Day of the Year”) Christmas CD playing a lot lately. Well, just one song. Alright I'll admit it, I've been playing the whole thing. You listen to what you listen to, and I'll listen to what knocks my flip flops off, ok? Not to get defensive... ;-)

At any rate, school has begun. I used to go the work singing at the top of my lungs and nothing could get me down. But this year is different. I don't have a job and I can't look for one because I can't work, which is why a cafe seemed like a good idea. So, I will have to do that one day. For now, I am sitting at home (with my Andy Williams blaring).

There is so much I can do while they aren't here. Napping, yard work, reading, watching old Saturday Night clips that would not be appropriate for young, impressionable ears, Sesame Street and napping. Yes, I meant to type “napping” twice. Smoking meat while they are at school, which is not a “that's what she said” item is also on itinerary. BBQing and the smoker are favorite past times of mine, though it is different now without my Mabel keeping me company. I put some Jimmy Buffett on, grab a cold beverage and sit outside and stoke the fire...that's not a “that's what she said” moment, either!

It seems like there is so much to be done when the kids are not tattle telling on each other. That had become a major duty of mine this summer. I don't mind bidding goodbye to that task! So, my wife is purchasing ribs to smoke today and I'll see the girls when the school bell sounds. Besides, you appreciate your children more when you have to be gone from them each day. Right?

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Today is...National Lazy Day!!

I don't why it's a national holiday. There is nothing indicating that it Presidential proclamations or anything like that (I guess it would be bad for a President to declare a day for laziness...) But at any rate, it's National Lazy Day.

I think the day is timely. The twins start school tomorrow, so what better thing to do today than be lazy? The girls are playing Wii right now – in their underwear! Now that is lazy. I slept in until 9:30, that's lazy too. The baby is napping, yep, lazy.

I actually thought I would have more say. Laziness has permeated my mind. I was going to tell you what the perfect lazy day would be, complete with a how-to guide. I was even going to photograph my hammock. But I'm just to lazy to do that.

So, I will just sit here surfing the web and drinking my liquid crack (that's coffee) and let the day pass me by. Oh, and it's S'mores Day too. The girls have asked me to make some s'mores. I don't know. There's the chocolate, and graham crackers and the seems like to much work for Lazy Day.

Monday, August 09, 2010

Two Days Left??!!

While reading that headline, you are probably thinking that “two days left” is some tagline for a sale. “Two days remaining to get all the cheese at 50 percent off of wholesale at The Cheesebarn.” Or, “two days left to get 4 awesomely delicious pies for the price of one pie (it's a little embarrassing to think of how quickly my mind turns to food...)”. But it doesn't pertain to food in this instance, although if we had a place called the Cheesebarn in Corona, I certainly would not be here writing, I'd be getting my grub on! At any rate, two days is exactly the time that the twins have remaining in Summer!! Boo, hiss, and all of the expletives you want to use. Two days?? What the what! Two entire days, it's unfathomable. And the twins will have to go to bed early early tomorrow night, so there is technically less than two full days remaining. There's a song by Billy Joel that comes to mind called “Famous Last Words” that talks about “summertime has come and gone and everybody's home again, closing down for the season...” I'm kind of singing that right now...

What can be done in two days? We had a nice summer, if you count 1.5 months as summer. And we only had one week of hot temperatures, well all right I not complaining about that. We went to SeaWorld, did Raging Waters, completely changed our downstairs, had Lottie's first birthday, ate lobster, had the twins friends' over to spend the night, published a book and had BBQ's. But what about the stuff we didn't accomplish...

That is what bothers me. All the stuff on my list I didn't get to check off. Things like, teaching the girls to ride bikes and swim (I know they are almost 8, so I guess the fault lays with me for not having those 2 done), making homemade ice cream, pitching our tent in the backyard, going to the beach, seeing the Beach Boys in concert, seeing the bugs light up the sky (well other than moths), going to an Angel's game and countless more that I cannot remember.

And there's all the things I wanted to do with the girls by my side, things the twins had no idea about. Roasting an entire pig in the ground and inviting everyone over for a tiki party, actually getting grass to grow in our backyard, teaching the family how to make cheese, having all the awesomeness that is the fried food at the fair, finally buying a deep fryer (I know I've been asking for one since I started this blog in 2006 – please get the hint this time), going to Hawaii, building a writing studio for me in the backyard and a trip to NY. Getting the twins a Hollywood agent, brewing homemade root beer, starting a Hawaiian shirt company, getting a book deal and HAVING THE DOCTORS SAY THAT I CAN DRIVE AGAIN (yes, I am screaming that one). I'm sure I am forgetting a few and I know there's a few that this blog's 4 readers will point out to me, but needless to say, the summer ends while I have unfinished business.

So, I guess we shall have to wait for the following summer to achieve all the the things that I the twins, wanted to do. There is one upside to sending the girls back to school – there will be 8 hours a day where they won't be here. I'm kidding, kind of. Seriously, I am kidding. Well mostly kidding. Well let's just say that I will miss them. Partially...ok, that was joke...

Friday, August 06, 2010

Old Photos

Since I really don't have my sense of humor back (dang, stroke) but I wanted to write, this is what I have to offer. It's weird that I used to write like it was taking bacon from a piglet, but now I want to write and nothing comes to mind. It feels like a prison, but I assume that the more I write it will come back to me...I hope.

I was looking through some old Library of Congress photos that a friend linked to on Facebook and there was one that stood out...the picture I used as this blog post's photo. I had seen it before on the Library of Congress's website. It was of a starch factory from Aroostook County, Maine in 1940. My grandparents were from Aroostook County, Maine near Caribou and as a boy my grandfather picked potatoes and sent it to a factory just like like this, it may have been this one. One Christmas, my mom found an Aroostook potato sack in an antique gallery and gave it to him. It certainly brought back memories. That potato sack and these photos kind of bring back something lost.

That why I like old photos. Whether it be people, cars or locations, it's kind of neat to see something that's gone forever...I want to say more but the thoughts are just jumbled in my head. That's why I keep writing, to train my brain to work like it used to.