Tuesday, July 15, 2014

It's Be A Dork Day

I am listening to Neil Diamond right now. I think that's all I need to say when it comes to "being a dork." Plus, I admitted I was listening to him.  So, that must be a "double dork" moment!!  In my honest opinion (although why would I state an un-honest opinion...unless I'm describing how an outfit looks on a lady. LADY!!!  Sorry, I had a Jerry Lewis moment.), I'd much rather be thought of as a dork than rude.

Is "dorkiness" a state of mind? Is it a way of being?Is it a conscientious action? Is it a put down? Heck, is "dorkiness" even a word? Am I asking to many questions? Are these questions rhetorical? Is Neil Diamond actually his real name? Is anybody reading this far into my post? What's the square root of 182? OK, I threw that one in there.

Wow, I spent an entire paragraph on questions! I might need to remember that when I don't have an idea of what to write about!!  Especially since my May 22nd post (the last one written before this, uh "masterpiece," was about me bringing new life to this blog.  Seriously though, time to get my thought process back on the dork-side of the tracks. Is "dorkiness" really a state of mind?

When you say that someone is being a dork, I think it conveys the negative as opposed the the positive. Although, I tend to react to being called a dork with a "thank-you." Or maybe even a "thank-you mam. May I have another?"  What qualities makes one a dork? Liking Star Wars AND Star Trek? I personally think of that as a "nerd," not a dork. But that's probably a discussion for another time...

Is devoting time to writing about coffee a dorkish quality? No, I think that's called an addiction.  Is taking a picture of yourself wearing sandals a sign that you have dorkish tendencies? Probably not. Actually, it might be a sign that you have a fetish. If you are listening to the Bee Gees and feel the need to let people know you are listening to them a sign that you have gone to the dork-side? Perhaps so. To others it's a sign that you don't have very good musical taste. I feel that if you are listening to the Bee Gees and want other people to know about it you are a person I need to know!  There aren't enough Bee Gees loving people on this planet!! That's a post for another day, I wish...

So, did I answer the question about what constitutes a dork? Wait, that was the question? I thought this post was about Neil Diamond. Oh well!!  As Neil Diamond once sang, "I am (a dork)...I said."

Thursday, May 22, 2014

Exercize for your mind

That title sounds far more deep than I'll ever hope to be! This post has to be my 10th attempt to write about writing.  Back in the day, I could blog 2 pages about nothing with no effort and this time I am taking 5 minutes before each sentence!  I feel like that skeleton now.  And I'm certainly as old as it!!!

But the only way to write again is just to W-R-I-T-E, right now!!  I've got to get the brain active again.  I say I'm a copywriter but I haven't written anything for my own pleasure in a year (and I'm not sure this counts!!!).  I'm not counting the posts or comments I make on Facebook because those are small and don't take any thought.  Although, long time readers of my blog could say that about my blog!!  Touche!!!

This blog was started to make people laugh (with me, not at me) and I took it very seriously, in a lighthearted way.  So, I will do that again - just not right now.  Bada Bum Bump. I've never taken myself so seriously that I thought what I wrote would be earth shattering or that people would NEED to read it.  In fact, I wrote for myself as much as for anybody else. Sooooo, I am making a promise to me (in front of anybody that reads this) that I will write for myself again this summer.  Maybe not every day but at least a few times a week.

Possible things you will see in this space are: my love for coffee, my love for bacon, classic TV, turducken, the odd exploits of my 3 kids, the top things I have learned NOT to do anymore, useless observations, my life (regrettably) as a minivan owner, my endless search for work (seriously - if you need a writer call me!!!!), my "what day is it" posts and anything else that makes me (and hopefully you) laugh - or at the very least chuckle.  OK, if it makes you barely turn up the ends of your mouth in the start of a smile, I will consider my work here done.

I could not-so-humbly declare "I'm back" but that takes too much energy...
and my coffee is getting cold.

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

I Salute Left Handers...With My Left Hand

Today is International Left Handers Day.  In the past (like 4 years ago) that would have meant as much to me as National Celery Day (I made that up.  Who would make a day to honor the stalk of the devil?).  But, I have reasons to raise my hand up and salute you this fine day!  For the record, I am raising my left hand; raising my right hand to honor this day would be offensive...and a little confusing.

See, 4 years ago we welcomed our little princess into the world.  And it soon became clear that she would be a left hander, or a west-paw, as some of you know it.  Wait, maybe that was south-paw??  If we had any doubt as to her hand of choice, breaking her right arm sealed the deal!  Nothing like having to put your child's arm in a sling during her formative years to help make her decision.  Although, putting her arm in a sling suddenly made her mom and I parents of the year.  Especially when we would put that arm in her shirt so she wouldn't mess with it.  Basically, it looked like we had a one armed baby.  Man, did we get sympathy.  Hmmmm, I wonder where that sling is now.  I am just kidding.  Well, no, I am just kidding...

The other reason why I choose to celebrate "not right hander's day" is because my left hand became very important to me in the last 4 years.  Because of my stroke and the initial effects of it, I had to use my left hand to offset the weakness in my right hand.  I became so used to using my left hand, that it has become my go to hand, even after I regained all feeling in my right hand.  Wow, I just retread what I had typed and all of this right hand/left hand talk is making me sound like a politician!  I type today using my left hand, I drink coffee with my left hand and I even make my pencils fly like rockets using my left hand.  Uhhhhh, forget that last item...

So, all of you left handers, I salute you, with my right hand.  Wait, I mean my left hand.  Oh forget it!!

Thursday, October 04, 2012

Writing, It’s Not For Chickens

Well actually it’s not for any fowl.  What I should’ve said was that it’s not for the faint of heart.  Although, I am faint of heart.  Seriously, it’s a medical fact.  Thought my heart ticks when it beats, so I’m actually “loud enough to hear it in the middle of the night” of heart.  Anyway, let’s put the train of thought back on the rails.  This post is about writing (which I write about a lot when I am trouble finding something to write about).  If that made sense, please continue on to paragraph 2…

Hey, you made it to paragraph 2.  I must say that I am surprised.  Well, I will try my best to (legally) make it worthwhile.    This is the umpteenth time I have realized I have neglected my blog.  But it’s so hard after neglecting it to come back and actually write something I would be proud to have you read.  OK, that’s not entirely accurate…because I haven’t been proud of any of my posts since I began blogging in 2006.  But, they would make a good coffee table book, you know, to put coffee on…

But, I’ve got my coffee, writing pipe in my mouth and Christmas music (uhhhhh, “Halloween” music) playing in the background.  So, I should be able to write a decent post.  Notice the “should” in that last sentence.  I could write about sports, politics or my carpet, but all of those would have everybody lining up for their side of the argument.  I’m trying to avoid that! 

I suppose I could write about food.  The two things I have wanted since I began writing are a deep-fryer (I hope my wife is reading this!) and a smoker.  Let me go ahead and say that a “smoker” is not an old person that wheezes (I did NOT say “whizzes…”).  It is a way of BBQ’ing VERY slowly.  So slowly, that I forgot I put a piece of meat in the smoker and when I remembered, it STILL wasn’t done.  But at least I can finally say that I have one!!

That’s really I all I wanted to say concerning food.  In the off chance that you will be back to read anymore of my blogs, I should go ahead and end this one before I lose you.  Wow, I don’t think I’ve ever read a poorer concluding thought.  Let me change that.  I hope your clouds are filled with gold and the grass outside your house tastes like chocolate (if I do say so myself, NICE!!)…

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Bring The Olympics Home With You

Do you find yourself still turning on NBC?  Do you wish Michael Phelps had one more race in the pool, or the Men's USA basketball team had one more opponent to wipe the floor with?  Are you missing the 1,447 Olympic commercials, or all the new promos for NBC's new "comedies" or even the McDonalds Olympic scratch-off  game?  (Why does this sound like I am about to sell you something??)

In case you have not noticed, I really miss the Olympics (and it has nothing to due with the fact that I could watch 24/7 sports on TV with an all-female household.  No seriously, that didn't factor in at all!!!)  I miss everything about the Olympics, except for maybe the occasional commercial that had nothing to do with sports, even though they had an Olympic athlete parading around to sell their product.  Like the skeet shooting Bronze medalist that touted the wonders of a new bathroom cleaning sponge.  OK, I made that one up...but at least I came clean about it!  Clean/bathroom sponge, that is funny!!  You're right, it's not...

But all your fears and longings have an answer!!  Take the Olympics home with you everyday!!  You can simply make everything about your personal life medal worthy.  It's simple (and if you call right now, we'll double the offer...), award those that live with you a medal for everything they do!  If you're dreading cleaning out that one corner of the garage, make all of your children takes turns at it.  And you can award them gold, silver and bronze.

Now I am lucky, I have 3 kids, so each one of them will get a medal.  Although Lottie being 3 years old will probably earn all bronzes.  If you have more children than that, wow you are going to have a fierce competition on your hands!  And as a plus, have each child pick their own 'anthem,' so they will hear that when they win.

Be creative.  Don't give away medals for mediocrity.  Expect the best of them for each, uhhhhh, "sport..."  You're household will thank you.  OK, your household CHORES will thank you...

Thursday, June 14, 2012

Summer Is Roaring Down The Proverbial Highway!!

Do you hear that??  It's the sounds of summer!! Actually, I don't really know what that means (is it meat on the grill, the waves of the ocean or your Mom telling you to put on sunscreen??).  But, the phrase sounds good.  So, I'm gonna stick with it!

Now Summer doesn't technically start for another week or so, but I like to be early.  Yes, early as in I like my dinner at 4...just like the senior crowd.  Who by the way, people often think I am a part of!  Are Hawaiian shirts relegated to the older folks...I think not!!

Anywhoooo!  It seems like summer.  We've already been to the beach and Sea World and the twins have already been out of state with my parents (oh man, did that seem like a good break. Uh...I didn't mean to say that out loud!!)  And...I got to attend the Beach Boys 50th Anniversary Tour!  In fact, I'm listening to them while I put this post together.  The grill has been used (although that's a multi-seasonal event) and shorts-wearing is in high demand.  Actually in So Cal, when is it NOT in high demand??

So the Sounds of Summer are definitely in style in this house.  Again, I don't know what that means. But go ahead and break out the sunscreen and your t-shirts featuring Weber grills!!  Yes, there IS such a thing  ;-)

Tuesday, June 05, 2012

The Name Of This Post Is...Well I Don't Know Yet

 I know it's like fire and oil, maybe it's fire and paper, ice and fire, perhaps fire isn't even part of the saying?  Well, what I am trying to say is that many people have discussed what it is like to create something with a blank piece of paper and a pen.  For most, it is like fire and oil, maybe it's fire and paper, ice and fire...now do you see what I am trying to say?  Gosh, I hope so!!  (Gosh???  Was I born in the 1930s??  Gosh????)

The cursor sits on my screen blinking, as if to say 'I'm ready, but you aren't.'  Do you find that happening to you once in a while? Uhhhh...me neither!!!  I realize that at about line 2 of this post, I should have deleted it, but that is letting the cursor win.  I also realize that you are thinking 'he's flirted with it for a long time, but he's finally gone crazy...'  No comment...  :)

I probably should just give you a bullet-pointed list of my best one liners, but it takes more than one line to work up to my jokes.  Well, it takes me more than one line to work towards something.  I think of them as jokes, but I always seem to say I'm sorry after delivering them!  I could try to sell them to a stand-up comic, but I always enjoy jokes when sitting down.  I'm sorry for that...I found it funny.  Oh see, I said I'm sorry.

Well, I have wasted enough time with this post!  But it's good to know that I can still sit down and write not a thing and still have it be 4 paragraphs. I'm also sorry for you if you stayed around long enough to read it!  Wocka Wocka Wocka...  :-)

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

What A Concert! Also named "My Type Of People."

This past Saturday I attended perhaps the best concert ever.  It was timed perfectly.  It was Memorial Day weekend AND Sirius radio was playing their music constantly!  You may ask yourself "how did I get here..."  No wait, that's something entirely different.  What you are most likely asking yourself is "what band is he talking about?"  The band is The Accordion Kings!

Actually I don't know if there is a band named that but if there is, I'm free to manage it, but it won't be free to manage.  The band was named the Beach Boys and it was there 50th Anniversary Tour!!  I have never written a review of a concert and I'm not about to now - other than to say it was KICKAWESOME!!!  40+ songs and it lasted at least 2 1/2 hours!  You might be doing the math about how long the songs were, but back in the 60's most songs were 2 and a half minutes.

I have seen the Beach Boys many times, but this was the first with Brian Wilson, which made it all the more special.  Now I guess I should have known what the audience would be since it's the 50th Anniversary of them getting together, but I can also be very "not-fast of mind."  So,  I was surprised that most of the audience were over 60 and practically all the men had Hawaiian shirts on!  (Not that there's anything wrong with that...)

Maybe it's just the place we saw them at - a casino in Palm Springs.  But as we were in the buffet line (ok, hold you're wise cracks) I complemented every guy I saw that had on Hawaiian shirt and asked them if they were going to the concert.  Every one of them said they were.  If I had that type of success rate, I should have gone to a casino!  Oh wait...

So what I am trying to say is that the concert was stupendous and people over 60 years old and wearing Hawaiian shirts are my type of people!!  I fit in better with that crowd than I do people my own age!  All that I am missing is the gray hair!  Uh-oh, I see one coming in...

Thursday, May 24, 2012

The Passenger's Seat

I can't drive 55.  Oh heck, I can't drive period!!  It's been 2 and a half years since I was able to get out my driving gloves and driving goggles.  Uh, did I just admit that?  Uh, well, I was joking.  Yes, I was joking!!

Ahem...moving right along!!  In the time since I have not been able drive, I have discovered a new way to get from here to there.  And, it's finally time I reveal it to you.  It's...THE PASSENGER'S SEAT.  That seat where you would put things while you were driving.  It even has it's very own window!  So, this is my Top Ten Things I Have Learned About Riding In The Passenger's Seat.

10.  They say that the driver has control of the radio...but as a passenger, you have more time to get to it!!

9.  You have time to actually read the map.  Oh, who am I kidding?  You still use the GPS to get where you're going!

8.  You have the misfortune of being the one who passes out the food when you eat at a Drive-thru.

7.  You get to look out the  window as you drive along the coast!!

6.  But you are STILL the one who has to gas up the car.  I'm trying to figure out a solution to this!!!!

5.  When you are playing the radio or a CD, you have to change the radio or CD when everyone tells you "not The Beach Boys...again!!"  Hmmmm...that just might be something you're not familiar with....

4.  YOU get to tell the driver where to turn! Or if you are me, you get to apologize for having the driver turn down the wrong street...

3.  You can lead the passengers in a re-creation of "Bohemian Rhapsody" from Wayne's World!!

2.  On the downside, you are constantly yelling "shot gun."

And the number 1 Thing I Have Learned About Riding In The Passenger's Seat:

You get to sleep while driving!!!!!  Or, play dead - whichever is more fun...

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

They Give Anyone A Blog...

There's this commercial airing where a guy was saying "they give anyone a blog."  It was a put-down, diss or my favorite "the anti-complement."  And I thought about it for a second (well, I thought about it until I saw 2 shrimps dancing to 'Night Fever' in my mind) and it's true.

But I don't think of it as a negative.  Where would I put my thoughts (and no, the trash is not an acceptable answer) if they didn't.  Where else would you have read about toilet paper, space debris, Star Trek, my disconnected railway of thoughts and having your own island if I didn't have a blog.

The answer is no where.  Unless you were to break into my computer, but then the lawyers and cops would have to be called.  I searched for the 'Anniversary of the Blog,' but found nothing.  I think that's the first time I have not Googled what I have looked for (is Googled a verb...well, now it is).  I have Googled 'where do I find recipes for fried lobster' and 'why does my computer shut down with no warning when I'm listening to David Hasselhoff's music' and I find things.  OK, that last one is a lie. But I just Googled it and I found a quote from 30 Rock, so that's as good as finding an answer!!  By the way, I just saw an ad for Scatt Recreation.  Isn't a scat something animals do...or release?  I realized that has no bearing on this article (well, either does Google) but I just wanted to share it.

Where else could you have read that last paragraph? I realize I'm asking a lot of questions and you probably thought that this was a non-participatory site, but the answer is 'what is a blog.'  Well, the 'what is a' is optional, but I feel like I am really smart when I ask and answer things in a Jeopardy form.  Try it.  See, now don't you feel smart?

I really didn't know what I was going to say in this post, and I know, it shows.  But the term 'they give anyone a blog' was just to ripe to pass up.  Speaking of being too ripe, I smell something coming from the little one....