Thursday, February 22, 2018

Don’t Say You Heard It From Me or I Can’t Believe He’s On Social Media

Positive quotes and advice are EVERYWHERE — from my daughters’ schools to TV and the interwebs.  That’s fine and dandy but you really have to watch where you get the positive advice from. What I’m trying to say is it’s best NOT to take that advice from me. Being a motivational speaker is something I will never see when I fill out an aptitude test! Here’s some of my bad advice:

I don’t do math. Not “I don’t do math very well,” just “I don’t do math.” I like taking a look back at history and pointing out to people that on this day something happened. I usually say what year such and such took place. It’s not uncommon for me to exaggerate the day. That’s only because I couldn’t do the math to figure out what year it really happened. So I make it up. First piece of advice NOT to take from me: don’t do that! You’ll only end up looking foolish. People who read what year you said such and such happened in will think you really don’t know. For example, when you say that Lincoln’s Gettysburg address was given this day 653 years ago, it’s probably not funny and people will think they’ve befriended an idiot. And, you’ve committed that to writing. It’s permanently associated with your  name. Again, don’t do that!

Bacon is not good for you
Wow!!! That was hard to write!!!!  It literally took me 10 minutes. So when I post a picture of bacon look the other way or jog 12 miles. Both would be far better for you. (That reminds me; get out a package of bacon to defrost with for dinner. Ohhh, that’s for me to remember when I’m proofreading this post. That wasn’t for you, the reader…). Bacon leads to high cholesterol, and heart disease and blood pressure and yada, yada. Sorry, I’m having a really hard time writing this!! It’s not good for you. That’s the part I want you to take from this, not how delicious the house smells when cooking it!! Granted drugs are really bad for you so when you look at bacon from that point, it’s probably ok to eat. Again, that’s not the point of this message…

Eating cheese in large quantities is not perfectly OK
I’m dying a little inside with each of these points I’m making! I bet you are reading this list and thinking I weigh 400 pounds. I should weigh that with what I put into my body. A scientific study released in the past few weeks said that eating cheese can be as addictive as drugs or alcohol. But, like I said about bacon, drugs are REALLY bad, so having an addiction to cheese is comparatively ok. No, no, no. That’s not the advice I’m trying to give! Eating a huge amount of cheese can lead to high cholesterol, and heart disease and blood pressure and yada, yada. Again, sorry. My mind drifted off to a piece of Havarti and me in a rolling field of grass. Cheese in large quantities is also not good for you. There, I said it. Now leave me to sit and pout.

I probably have several other pieces of “advice” not to give but my coffee is getting cold. DON’T say anything about coffee. Especially don’t say a peep about how caffeine is bad for my irregular heart condition. If I want that type of negativity in my life I’ll schedule an appointment with my cardiologist. Now where did I put my hidden stash of Slim Jims?????

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