Friday, January 08, 2010

2010 – That Would Make A Good Movie Title Or Something

Well, here we are at the start of another decade. I was reminded of the passage of time as I had to open MS Office 2000 to write this. Yet that still seems like updated software to me and now it’s 10 years old. I always wondered how the old folks start getting so out of touch with current times and I guess me thinking MS Office 2000 is bright and shiny is how it all begins. And how about them Boyz II Men, what a great up and coming vocal group! And by the way, have you tried Starbucks Coffee yet? WOW!

I didn’t really know what I was going to write today, but I have decided post-New Years that I will have a resolution this year. A resolution to get back to writing much more often. Well, that and my resolution to create a fad that will spread as fast as the “name the color of your unmentionable what-not thingies you are wearing” spread on Facebook this week. For the record, I am NOT wearing a bra, but if I was, I would like it to be black and have little #3’s all over it in honor of Dale Earnhardt, Sr. Although the “bacon bra” picture that shows up on the intrawebs from time to time has me intrigued too.

Today would have been Elvis’ 75th birthday and as a king of the fan (wait, I don’t think I said that right), I am tempted to write about what a 75 year old Elvis would look like, assuming of course that he had not already been put to death by lethal injection for shooting Lisa Marie after she married Michael Jackson. Would he be a recluse in his Jungle Room at Graceland, never opening the curtains or trimming his hair, finger nails or toe nails? Would he have a theater in Branson? Would he have put out a rap album trying to stay hip? Would have need a new hip? Would he be using words like “fo shizzle” and “the bomb” or would he have just grown old gracefully in his sequin-studded mall walker jogging outfits? Sadly, the world will never get to know…

Then I realized I could just talk about the New Year. I erroneously gave last year the motto of “Things Will Be Fine In 2009,” (and anyone who knows me knows how erroneous that really turned out to be) but have had a little more trouble naming 2010. I have come up with such anti-gems as “Get Yourself A Hen in 2010” and “2010 – The Time is Now When,” but both of those don’t really convey anything and I am pretty sure the grammar of the last one would get me kicked out of college. So for now, I will leave 2010 unnamed, even though that causes me to have a facial tick.

I wonder what will happen this year. I remember making predictions back in 2007 or 2008 and I missed on every single one of them, so I am naturally a little gun-shy to make predictions for this year. Though, I could tell you the things I would LIKE to see happen this year, but I’ll take one more chance at some predictions…

I think the chin firmer thing will supplant the Snuggie as America’s favorite not-so-inside joke. I think disgraced Chicago Governor Rob Blagojevich (and yes, I had to Google him to spell his last name) will end up as a pseudo-celebrity on VH1 or MTV. I think Frank Gifford will be arrested for finally slapping Kathie Lee Gifford to oblivion and that Tiger Woods will end up celebrity boxing Gary Coleman after he is forced from the PGA. In a slightly related prediction, the PGA will declare bankruptcy after banning Tiger Woods for life. I also predict the birth of a bunch of Tiger cubs, if you pick up what I am laying down…(which by the way, did not sound nearly as cool as it did in my head…) I also think the Tea Bag movement will adopt another name since everyone either accidentally, or in some cases intentionally, calls them something slightly different and much more derogatory, if you pick up what I am laying down (nope, it didn’t sound any better the second time either).

As far as what I would LIKE to see happen, the tops on my list would have to be the development and successful commercial viability of robots that can make coffee, frozen waffles and bacon every morning. I would also like to see the invention of maple-scented charcoal. I would just pour syrup on my existing charcoal, but that seems like too much work. Lastly, I would like to see a pop culture movement that realizes the true genius of Charles Nelson Reilly. Cigars, a lisp and those sweaters (Oh, those sweaters!!!!)…really, do I need to say anymore?? Ok, I will…Match Game! I think I’ve made my case.

So there you have it, my first entry for 2010. Now if you will excuse me, I have to go make my own frozen waffles…