Monday, October 23, 2006

Gimmie A Ring Sometime

The Italian media reported late last week that the Pope’s papal ring (called the Fisherman’s Ring) slipped off his finger twice while working the crowd at the end of a public visit. Fortunately (and probably motivated by fears of the fires of hell), it was immediately returned to him each time.

This news comes as there are still rumors swirling around that the papal ring fell off a few weeks ago and was not immediately returned. If my well placed (and presumably intoxicated) sources are to be believed, Pope Benedict lost his ring and was without it for 13 days before the ring was finally returned with a letter of apology during confession in a church just outside of Baker, California.

The apology letter said that the ring fell off on a papal visit and was subsequently sold on E-bay. The winner of the Pope’s ring, who has asked to remain anonymous, and will henceforth be known as Mr. A. Nonymous Ringstealer, described in his letter several supernatural events that occurred while he was in possession of it. The events prompted him to return it during a trip to confession. Mr. Ringstealer said that at night the ring would glow and not stop until daylight. He also said that inanimate objects like fruit and hairbrushes would levitate and move on their own away from the papal ring. Mr. Ringstealer wrote of a day he became adventurous and wore the ring to Las Vegas. Every time he used the hand that the ring was on to pull the slot machine or play video poker, he would win. Ringstealer’s winnings were donated to the church where he confessed and returned the papal ring.

He said the scariest incident was when the ring spoke to him one night in a voice he could only describe as a cross between Darth Vader and Jerry Lewis. The voice woke him up and began threatening him with every evil imaginable if he did not return the ring. Ringstealer said the ring’s voice warned he would experience an IRS audit, severe dental work, purple nurples, incurable flatulence when in the presence of pretty women, infinite visits from his in-laws and satellite TV with only the Lifetime channel and Gallagher specials. He promptly returned the ring during confession the next morning.

“We can’t have this type of thing continuing to occur,” a Vatican official was quoted as saying. These papal rings aren’t like Cracker Jack box jewelry and it’s going to get expensive if we have to continually replace them. We may have to pass the increasing ring costs on to our consumers, uh, I mean fellow Catholics in the form of new church offerings if it continues,” the official added.

Understandably, the Vatican’s concern is growing each time a ‘ring incident’ happens. At the next conference of cardinals and other church officials, the decision will be made whether to have the ring resized or to just fatten the Pope up. Insiders say they are leaning towards fattening him up as it’s cheaper in the long run.

18 comments:

C said...

They can't resize it because that would decrease the male penis size across all of Italy. That was the current threat heard in a dream the Pope and other high ranking political officials in Italy.

the Laughorist said...

Brilliant. You can do a movie of this, starring Anthony Quinn. Oh. Right. Anyway, I can't top your post. Excellent. (How many days' indulgence for commenting on your post? Any bids for a plenary indulgence? Huh?)

Odat said...

I thing they should melt it down and make chastity belts for all the wayward priests!

Peace?

Odat said...

P.S. Forgot to mention that I thought this was hysterical... E-Bay? lolololololol very good!!
Peace! (again)

Empress Bee said...

oh i say just fatten him up a bit. send him over to my place where gravy is a beverage.....

bee

Awesome Mom said...

Or they could just wrap a narrow piece of duct tape around the non decorated side of the ring. Duct tape fixes everything!

Dr. A said...

Congrats on Bestest Blog! I always knew it would happen eventually...

Michael C said...

C: The guilt I learned as part of my Catholic upbringing prevents me from commenting about your comment ;-)

Laughorist: I've already scheduled my confession time for writing this!

Odat: Chastity belts are a great idea!

Empress: Gravy as a beverage? I'm on my way!!

Awesome Mom: Being a NASCAR fan, I am well versed in the miracle of duct tape.

Dr. A: Thank you very much!

Josie said...

A cross between Darth Vader and Jerry Lewis? I can't even imagine it....

Did you ever read my "Pope story" on my blog? It's a few posts down from my current one. It's very, very bizarre. And it's a true story.

Jay said...

Thanks a lot - for a minute there, you had me picturing papal purple nurples. Not cool, man. Not cool at all.

Pickled Olives said...

LOL! Love the hairbrushes moving away from the ring. What's that about? God hate neat hair? LoL. Great story! Congrats on bestest blog!

NATALIE said...

congrats on bestest blog. What a great post to be up for all that new traffic to be greeted with.

Violet said...

Do you think it could be the ring - the one which Frodo suppposedly threw into the fires of Mt Doom?

slaghammer said...

Hey! That looks like the Secret Decoder Ring they used to give away in every box of Hairy Snacks or Sak-o-Nuts or whatever they were called. I wonder if it has a secret compartment with a dog whistle and treasure map.

Michael C said...

Josie: Yeah, looking back, that's an odd description for a voice ;-)

Jay: sorry about making you envision the papal aliteration ;-)

Pickled Olives: Thank you!

Natalie: Thank you very much, too.

Violet: I hadn't thought of that, but you might be on to something!

Slaghammer: Who know's what's in that ring. My guess is a homing beacon.

Lee said...

He should wear it on a chain around his neck like I used to do with my boyfriend's class ring. I was such a delicate flower.

Alex said...

Id sell it back to the pope for 100,000 bucks.

PARLANCHEQ said...

The Pope just needs to put a little wad of Scotch Tape around the backside of the ring so it will stay snug. This trick has been used by women for years. Clearly if they let women become Pope, the ring loss would never have happened.