Gimmie A Ring Sometime

The Italian media reported late last week that the Pope’s papal ring (called the Fisherman’s Ring) slipped off his finger twice while working the crowd at the end of a public visit. Fortunately (and probably motivated by fears of the fires of hell), it was immediately returned to him each time.

This news comes as there are still rumors swirling around that the papal ring fell off a few weeks ago and was not immediately returned. If my well placed (and presumably intoxicated) sources are to be believed, Pope Benedict lost his ring and was without it for 13 days before the ring was finally returned with a letter of apology during confession in a church just outside of Baker, California.

The apology letter said that the ring fell off on a papal visit and was subsequently sold on E-bay. The winner of the Pope’s ring, who has asked to remain anonymous, and will henceforth be known as Mr. A. Nonymous Ringstealer, described in his letter several supernatural events that occurred while he was in possession of it. The events prompted him to return it during a trip to confession. Mr. Ringstealer said that at night the ring would glow and not stop until daylight. He also said that inanimate objects like fruit and hairbrushes would levitate and move on their own away from the papal ring. Mr. Ringstealer wrote of a day he became adventurous and wore the ring to Las Vegas. Every time he used the hand that the ring was on to pull the slot machine or play video poker, he would win. Ringstealer’s winnings were donated to the church where he confessed and returned the papal ring.

He said the scariest incident was when the ring spoke to him one night in a voice he could only describe as a cross between Darth Vader and Jerry Lewis. The voice woke him up and began threatening him with every evil imaginable if he did not return the ring. Ringstealer said the ring’s voice warned he would experience an IRS audit, severe dental work, purple nurples, incurable flatulence when in the presence of pretty women, infinite visits from his in-laws and satellite TV with only the Lifetime channel and Gallagher specials. He promptly returned the ring during confession the next morning.

“We can’t have this type of thing continuing to occur,” a Vatican official was quoted as saying. These papal rings aren’t like Cracker Jack box jewelry and it’s going to get expensive if we have to continually replace them. We may have to pass the increasing ring costs on to our consumers, uh, I mean fellow Catholics in the form of new church offerings if it continues,” the official added.

Understandably, the Vatican’s concern is growing each time a ‘ring incident’ happens. At the next conference of cardinals and other church officials, the decision will be made whether to have the ring resized or to just fatten the Pope up. Insiders say they are leaning towards fattening him up as it’s cheaper in the long run.