Thursday, October 26, 2006

Don’t Fence Me In…At Least Use Walls

Well, the U.S. is taking a stance and apparently, we mean business. President Bush has signed the bill (I don’t remember what happens next, so I’ll have to consult my old Schoolhouse Rock DVDs) to construct a 700-mile long fence between the U.S. and Mexico Border. The only two problems that come to mind are 1. It’s a fence and 2. It only covers about 1/3 of the border. I’m sure that whatever department of the Cabinet that happens to be in charge of the fence has already thought those details through, so I won’t bother.

We now join an elite group of governments who have built structures to protect their borders. China had the Great Wall to keep out Mongol invaders or something like that and Germany had the Berlin Wall to divide East and West. Did you notice anything about those two structures? Yep, they’re both walls. When you’re serious about closing off or protecting your borders, you apparently build walls, not fences. Fences are to separate neighbors or dogs or toddlers who have just learned to crawl or walk, not to stop folks from illegally leaving or entering a country. Heck, even Charlie Brown and Linus had a wall to stand in front of when discussing their deep intellectual thoughts. I can’t think of any famous structures with the name fence in their title. Can you?

Thousands of people go to see the Great Wall of China every year and I saw recently that the Chinese government is taking steps to make sure that the wall doesn’t erode. I got to meet Ronald Reagan several years after his presidency and one of the first objects I noticed in his bookcase was a chunk of the Berlin Wall. I can’t say that about any fence. We don’t have cubicle fences; we have cubicle walls. Heck, even Humpty Dumpty’s wall is in the Smithsonian. Ok, I made that up.

Now the question remains as to what type of fence we’re going to use. Wouldn’t it would be a blast to be a fly on the wall (although in the White House or any other government building, it’s probably a ‘bug,’ if you catch my drift) when they meet and decide what type of fence to use. Queue the dream sequence music…

Aide: “Well Mr. President, we could use a picket fence.”
Cabinet: “No, picket fences are for manicured lawns and gardens with daisies and pansies.”
Aide: “How about barbed wire?”
Cabinet: “No, that could inflict injury and there may be litigation issues with injury.”
Aide: “What if we went with a natural fence or border that would like nice with the surrounding desert, like an adobe fence?”
Cabinet: “Adobe would be neat, but Adobe may be offensive to some.”
Aide: “We could use that plastic orange mesh fencing that highway workers, construction companies and amphitheaters with overcrowded rock concerts use.”
Cabinet: “Isn’t plastic mesh bad for dolphins?”
Aide: “We could use that new fancy aluminum faux wood fencing.”
Cabinet: “If it’s new then it’s too expensive, any other ideas?”
Aide: “Well the cheapest and easiest type of fencing to use would be chain link, but all you have to do is lean against it or use wire cutters and it’s rendered completely ineffective.”
Cabinet: “Did you say the cheapest and fastest? Ok, our new 700 mile border protection will be chain link, meeting adjourned!”

Concerning the fence and illegal immigrants, our government hopes that if they build it, they won’t come. I’m hoping I can get my contractor’s license for fence building and my over inflated construction bid to the government as soon as possible! If those aerospace folks can charge $800 for a hammer, just imagine what 700 miles of chain link fence will cost. Plus, when working in the desert, I think you must be able to tack on some type of hazard pay.


Odat said...

Well,heck, they might want to consider one of those invisible fences that one uses for dogs ...the government could just "jerry rig" it to give off a bigger electrical shock if some one puts one foot on our border!! Or maybe a big bug zapper! The possibilities are endless...
Thanks for bringing this important issue to my attention!!!


C said...

Hmmm I think that you need to be prepared with loads of sunblock and much water. Us Mexicans really don't use the sunblock as it makes our hands to greasy and slippery to climb fences and we really don't need it with the blessed melanin in our skin. My wire cutters give me blisters on my soft little fingers. I would rather jump over a fence any day.

mist1 said...

G*d save the dolphins.

You are brilliant. Have I told you that lately?

Josie said...

So some enterprising folks are going to be setting up wire cutting sales businesses near the border?

You met President Reagan? What was the occasion?


Michael C said...

Odat: The possibilites are endless. I'm glad I could bring all of this to your attention ;-)

C: I'll take your wrod on that. I don't use much sunblock, but I take water everywhere!

Mist1: You haven't told me that. But I'll be glad to listen anytime you want to tell me again ;-)

Josie: We worked in the same building together in 1997. He had the top floor of the building they tried to blow up in the first Die Hard movie. We'll just say that the secret service agents were friends with the Fed-Ex lady downstairs and so was I. She hooked me up. The best part is that they took photos of me meeting him and mailed them down to me a few days after the visit, so I'll alwaya have that.

ShadowFalcon said...

Well I wonder why no one else ever thought of putting up a fence, cos you know they really do work, all the time, really they do...not like you can climb them or anything...

Empress Bee said...

oh that is very cool michael. he was a great president. and charlie says the wall in berlin was to keep people IN, not OUT, he was there when it was built.

and we went to washington last summer and i think i did see humpty dumpty's wall in the smithsonian..... (smile) bee

Lee said...

Yeah, the wall thing made a little more sense BEFORE WE COULD FLY. Glad to see our tax dollars being used for more brilliant uses. War and walls...brilliant.

NATALIE said...

I heard that they don't even have enough funding for 700miles of wall. I think they can fund about 300 or so. Totally nuts.

Violet said...

If China's Great Wall didn't effectively keep out the Mongol hordes, and Hadrian's Wall didn't stop the Scottish barbarians from making raids into northern England, then a chain link fence isn't going to completely stop Mexican wannabe immigrants from crossing the border into the US.

Meloncutter said...

I vote we just go ahead and invade Mexico, make it a state, and tax the crap out of them like we are taxed. Their southern border is much smaller and would take less fence. Oh well, It is best I not get started. I would be here all day. I am reminded of the Maginot Line built by France on the German border prior to WW1. The Germans just invaded the next country on the right and went around it.

Later Yall....

Anonymous said...

An Elephant idea!?!?!

Signed - The Donkey!


Actually it would be cheaper to just string yellow police tape across the entire border. I am sure people would be deterred by the tape's 'do no cross' directive just as much as they will be deterred by a chain-link fence.