Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Is There A Nomination Form For Sainthood?

I read recently that the Pope named several new saints. Embarrassingly, I was not familiar with any of them, but it got me thinking of whom and what should be eligible for sainthood. Growing up Catholic, I was always reminded of St. Christopher every time we left for a family vacation when my mother said we needed to pray to him for a safe trip. I was also told about St. Anthony, the patron Saint of lost or stolen things. Although I might be abusing this saint’s time when I pray to him daily to help me find my favorite black ink pen that I constantly misplace around my office.

I don’t know how the Pope, Vatican, Electoral College or whoever it is nominates and votes on new saints, but I think there are several that the selection committee has overlooked. There are people who have completely altered the way we live and to the best of my knowledge, none of them are saints. If anyone from the Vatican is reading this, I’ve got a few folks who should be considered for sainthood.

Without a doubt, the first person is Juan Valdez – the Patron Saint of Caffeine, which a coworker of mine pointed out when she sent me an email stating that there is a special place in heaven for Juan Valdez. Just think about it, although if you’ve yet to pour your first cup of coffee for the day, you probably can’t think at all. Saint Juan of Valdez is responsible for our societies being able to start up every day.

Next would be the inventor of the toilet, Thomas Crapper – Patron Saint of Bodily Relievement (I can’t believe my spell check doesn’t think relievement is a real word!). If there were ever someone we need to thank our maker for, it would be Saint Thomas of Crapper. Just imagine what life would be like without his toilet, well not his toilet, I mean his invention, the toilet. Equally important is Willis Haviland Carrier. You probably don’t know who he was, but he invented the modern air conditioner and should become the Patron Saint of Home and Vehicle Cooling. Again, life would be a lot more uncomfortable, not to mention smelly, without him. Without Carrier’s contribution, we’d all smell and smell like garlic – ALL THE TIME! Speaking of garlic, (this is the worst segue ever, by the way) how many meals did you cook in the microwave this week? That’s why my next nomination for sainthood is Percy Spencer, the man who invented it. He should become the Patron Saint of EntrĂ©e Reheating.

Then there are Ray Kroc, Dave Thomas and Colonel Harlan Sanders. We all need to be grateful for their contributions to fast food. All three (I call them the Culinary Triumvirate) need to be named the Co-Patron Saints of Speedy and Convenient Nourishment. I’m using the word nourishment very loosely, but it sounds so much better than fast food. Lastly, Frank Sinatra should be named the Patron Saint of all Things Hip, Cool and Swinging, Too.

While you’d probably agree that all of these individuals are worthy of sainthood, there may be some (if not all) at the Vatican that don’t agree. Maybe we could compromise and create a hall or shrine to induct them into. It would be a category for mere mortals deemed to be just shy of deserving sainthood. We could have a huge annual induction ceremony where we honor them for their contributions to mankind. Why don’t we call them the Saintys? The little gold statues would depict a traditional saint complete with halo. Maybe someone will even broadcast the ceremony.

So there you have it. As society evolves and we reflect upon those who have sacrificed for the better good, it is time to consider broadening the definition of Saint. I don’t know that the Vatican has a website, but if they do, I hope there is a downloadable nomination form for Saints on it. Now what was the name of the guy that invented blogging?


**Author’s note: since I am Catholic, the answer is yes, I am wracked with guilt after writing this sacrilegious post about would-be Saints and will be attending the next confession closest to me**

10 comments:

Odat said...

I'm glad you added that lil "author's note" at the bottom....cause I was going to say you're going straight to hell.(Do not pass GO, Do not collect $200.00) ;-)
BTW, maybe they should all be "inducted" into the hall of saints on "Funday"...and you should be also, since you invented it!!!!!!
Peace.

Awesome Mom said...

How the heck do you keep track of all the saints? Is there a website or something? Just a non Catholic being a bit curious.

Michael C said...

Odat: Using Funday is a great idea and as the time went on, I was feeling pretty guitly. Still am, actually ;-)

Awesome: In short, you don't. You just remember the ones your Mom tells you about, and that you find on Wikipedia ;-)

ian said...

I keep hoping the Catholic Church will get over itself enough to canonize Galileo, but somehow I can't see the church ever admitting it was wrong in the first place.

Ian

ShadowFalcon said...

The person who invented IMDB should be made a saint, I can do without it.

Lizza said...

I will go and pay my respects at the shrine of the Patron Saint of Caffeine. Oh, wait. I already do that every morning.

The Culinary Triumvirate? Hmmm. Should they be saints? They make people fat.

mist1 said...

I always like to see who's best and worst dressed at the Vatican. They should announce sainthood at an Oscar-like event. And the nominees are...

Empress Bee said...

yup, it's hell for you michael. but i do believe this is the funniest post i've ever read so my wayward southern baptist butt will surely see you there. thanks my friend....bee

the laughorist said...

Man, do you need a plenary indulgence or two! to indulge in your iconoplastic contest, I nominate two people -- the inventor of the ballpoint pen (Bic?) and the inventor of Viagra (or the inventor who put lead in the pencil, so to speak). Always the same with me. I know. And I'm a former seminarian! (Now an Episcopalian.) The ex-seminarian thing is the source of my only original joke, which was literally cited in my divorce papers (first marriage, not this one, until she starts reading my blog): I left the seminary because I realized I could not lead a celibate life. [pause] Then I got married...and found out I could. Bad-da-boom.

PARLANCHEQ said...

Regardless of what the Vatican ultimately decides, I have erected a shrine to Juan Valdez in my kitchen and bow down to him on a daily basis.