Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Drink This And…

Drinking, no matter what it is, can cause a lot of different things to happen to the human body. Drink too much alcohol and you can end up in jail or too embarrassed to see your friends ever again. Drink too much soda (the regular kind) and you end up overweight with really bad bones and teeth. Drink too much diet soda and you end up with a really bad taste in your mouth. Drink too much coffee and you end up jittery with heart palpitations or with no money (if your get your coffee from Starbucks). Drink too much water and, well actually, that’s ok. Coca-Cola is releasing a new green tea beverage called Enviga that they say will help you lose weight.

Finally, the miracle tonic is here and of course just like our modern image of ole Santa Claus; it could only be Coca-Cola that created it. There has been a lot of research about the effect of green tea on our metabolism and whether or not it helps us lose weight. I don’t know that it’s been proven either way yet, but people are still flocking to green tea and all the new green tea products that keep popping up out there. Coca-Cola says that drinking three cans of their Enviga within a 24-hour period can help you lose up to 100 calories. What everyone seems to have forgotten is that EXERCISE CAN GIVE YOU THE SAME RESULTS. The problem of course is that exercise doesn’t taste as good and it takes a little more work than popping a top. The good thing is that drinking three cans of coke within 24 hours will most certainly NOT help you lose weight, so I guess that’s a pretty big improvement.

With this latest shot across the bow, Enviga has re-energized and re-invigorated (so to speak) the Cola Wars. In “Cola Wars, Episode 4 – Enviga Strikes Back” (I know that’s lame, but really, it’s a Monday) the other cola giants are now stumbling over themselves to create products to compete. My special informant who is responsible for making up, I mean reporting, secret news developments to me has revealed the plans that Coke’s competitors are working on. It seems they have decided to let Coke have the weight loss market and are concentrating on other revolutionary body improvement tonics.

Pepsi is getting ready to release Beautonic, which will make you look more attractive after drinking a twelve pack. I guess that’s the exact opposite of alcohol because you’d think a twelve pack would make someone else look attractive, but it seems they have found a new ingredient which alters your appearance. Not to be outdone, Dr. Pepper, the most cerebral of soft drinks (after all, it does have a PhD) is currently test marketing Smart X, which if you haven’t figured out already, will make you smarter the more you drink. Obviously, Smart X is also the opposite of alcohol. Finally, 7-Up has created a logic improving drink (rumor has it they’ve got a great ad campaign using Leonard Nimoy, which makes me think that Enviga should employ a before and after campaign with William Shatner) that allows you to relax and slow down so that you think things out more clearly before speaking and interacting with others. You guessed it, it’s called Shut-up.

As you can tell, it’s going to be an exciting time for soft drink lovers. While we’ll always be addicted (quite literally) to our sugary sweet favorites, the new products I have mentioned give us some great alternatives, with wonderful side effects. By combining all of them, what I call The Dr. Jekyll, you get all of the elements that will make you (on the surface) a great person. You’ll definitely want to down a few of each before your next dinner party or social gathering.

It’s very similar to the same cocktail politicians and celebrities have been drinking for years. Well, until they get elected or become famous, at which point they stop drinking it and revert to their real inner selves and start pursuing young male interns and cigar loving female interns or start jumping on couches during talk show appearances. But that’s not really the point of this story. You know what; maybe we should all just stick with Coke!


C said...

Or maybe just not eating at all

Lizza said...

You've obviously taste-tested all these concept beverages. That explains this hilarious post! So, tell me. Which one would you recommend most?

And maybe your informant can leak news about any superfood in the making too.

Michael C said...

C: I have yet to find a better dietary plan than not eating. Somehow, it works everytime ;-)

Lizza: My personal favorite is Shut-Up. I drink it daily and people seem to want me around a lot more than they used to ;-)
Unfortunately, my informant fell into a vat of Garlaise (garlic mayonnaise), but before he did, I was told he yelled out 'Crobster!!' I can only assume it's some awesome crab/lobster mutant hybrid. I can hardly wait until it's released in markets everywhere!!

ShadowFalcon said...

You can drink too much water

Everything in moderation. Bring on the chocolate milkshake!

Odat said...

I can't wait to get some Shut Up and pour it into the water cooler at work!
(I think someone spiked my water with Smart Ass! ha ha ha ha)
Seriously tho, I think they should come out with a product called

Empress Bee (of the High Sea) said...

good one michael!!! bee

Ra Ra Ra Bunggio said...

you completely forgot about the more alcohol you drink, the less common sense you have... which would probably explain all of the bad drink ideas that pepsi and coke ACTUALLY came up with.

Irene said...

And so The Great Cola Wars rage on! Fascinating post. Loved it! c",)

Crankster said...

Still seems like they're missing a few key niche markets--how long before we see Pepsi Viagra and Diet Enlightenment?

Michael C said...

Shadow: Wow, even water? That's scary.

Odat: I agree with ypu - Blog juice is really needed.

Empress Bee: Thank you. I'll drink to that!

Ra Ra B: That's a very good point!

Irene: This could be worse than New Coke.

Crankster: My guess is not very long at all