Neil Armstrong – “A” Man Of The People

I read a lot about this on blogs and news sites over the weekend and wanted to chime in. When Neil Armstrong landed on the moon almost 40 years ago, he thought he said, “That’s one small step for A man, one giant leap for mankind.” Unfortunately, as we all know, it wasn’t transmitted that way. According to news reports, a computer programmer in Australia used sound editing software to represent graphically that the first man on the moon did say “small step for a man” when making his famous declaration.

When the news was released, there were several NASA scientists who lost very old bets on what they had always believed Armstrong really said. Although it was garbled originally, most scientists who were working at mission control the day of the famous moon landing thought Armstrong’s first statement was “ha, that’s what you get for dumping me Martha Sue. Look at me now; I’m walking on the friggin’ moon!” Others thought Armstrong said, “well, here goes nothing.” Thanks to the software, we now know exactly what Armstrong said: “that’s one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind.”

As you might have guessed, others have already put the sound editing software to good use on some of the other more famous quotes and sound bytes in American history. We know now, for example, that when speaking of his affair with Monica Lewinsky, President Clinton actually said “I …sort of…did not have sexual relations…by definition only…with that woman…so to speak.” Thanks to this wonderful technology, we can prove that Clinton actually did not lie to the American people; it was apparently the microphone’s fault.

We also have a better understanding of President George H.W. Bush’s intention for taxes during his term as President. It turns out that he too did not lie to us. The software indicates that what he really said was, “Read my lips, no new taxes…for the first few months anyway, suckers!”

President Kennedy’s often referred to statement about contributing to this country now has a new meaning. Upon being analyzed, Kennedy said, “ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country…sniveling ingrates.” It seems that the last two words were not audible enough when originally uttered. Speaking of inaudible utterances, I hear they are currently working on revealing the contents of all the “erased” portions of Nixon’s Watergate tapes. My guess is that when deciphered, it’ll sound something like:

Nixon: “Where the heck is the record button?”
Kissinger: “I tink it’s da red vun, Mr. President. Ve can land a man on da moon, but ve can’t work a tape recorder? ”
Nixon: Don’t blame me. I am not a crook and I am not a sound engineer.”

This should be taken as a warning to all politicians and public figures that you’d better not try to say anything under your breath when speaking publicly because eventually it will be deciphered. Did you hear the music from “Jaws” in the background as you were reading that? Because I did and it’s freaking me out.

Anyway, when man landed on the moon, whatever Neil Armstrong was going to say, even if it was, “I really should have gone to the bathroom before I suited up and walked out here. Man I hope I can hold it,” was going to be remembered for all of time. Now it’s nice to know that one of man’s; I mean mankind’s most famous phrases has been accurately revealed. You can quote me on that…I guess…if you really have to.