Friday, July 06, 2007

Feeling A Bit Fried

Today is Fried Chicken Day. It’s nice that it has a day, but does anyone really need an official day to celebrate chicken that is fried. Does anyone really need a day to celebrate ANYTHING that is fried for that matter? Of course not! Fried is the spice to life. It’s the sugar for the people that don’t like sugar, it’s the ying to food’s yang, it’s the yummy crusty topping that makes getting up in the morning all worth it. It’s what makes cheese even more special. It’s like the Christmas paper wrapping on an already great present. Yeah, I like fried food. I am prepared to die prematurely for my love of it. I keep going to the local Best Buy just to stare at the deep fryer they are selling. I should be concerned that the salespeople there are starting to recognize be, but I don’t care. We’re talking fried foods here, man!

I have lost a little sleep thinking about obtaining the current object of my affections. My mind drifts to all of the things that I could do with her, I mean it, should I finally buy her, I mean it. Sorry. Of course, I’ll make all the basics like fried zucchini, onion rings, fried mozzarella sticks, corn dogs, french fries, chicken nuggets and yes, fried chicken.

What really gets my heart, I mean mind, I mean stomach, going are all the new things I can try and deep fry. Burritos, candy bars, bananas, peanut butter sandwiches (Elvis’ favorite, of course), fried BBQ meat and perhaps the tastiest of all, deep-fried bacon (I call that one Heaven’s Homecoming). Seriously, although the first bite may stop your heart, can you imagine anything tastier than fried bacon? I can’t, but I’ll keep trying. That’s why I’m going to try fried waffles, fried pancakes, fried breakfast cereals, fried Cheetos, fried pita bread filled with hummus, fried corn, deep fried ice cream and inevitably, a deep fried wrist watch. I won’t eat it; I just know it’s going to happen sooner or later. I’m thinking fried bubble gum might be fun to try too.

I realized I had better start pricing cooking oil in bulk. That’s the only way I’m going to be able to afford this obsession, I mean infatuation, I mean hobby. While I’m pricing bulk cooking oil, I’ll probably start pricing treadmills too. That will allow me to justify consuming about 10,000 calories (8,000 of which are fat calories) daily. Goodness knows what the house is going to smell like during all of this experimentation, but that’s why they make scented candles. I am officially excited. Celebrating fried chicken is just the jumping off point…

Speaking of fried (how’s that for a crusty segue), I can tell you without hesitation now that falling asleep in your children’s kiddy pool for at least two hours is not a good idea. At least the dog licking my hand woke me up before my skin actually started to sizzle. I can also tell you that this isn’t a story you want to tell your coworkers. The image of being passed out in a children’s pool on the 4th of July while your dog licks your hand is never flattering. It seems to be amusing to other people, but that’s about the point when you realize they are laughing at me instead of with me. That is a huge distinction that makes a significant difference.

The last time I was this sore was after my chest was cracked open like a King Crab leg during my open-heart surgery. Actually being this sunburned may be more painful. My chest and stomach is so red that it looks spray painted and fake. And then I move and realize the burn is very, very real. I have to remember to loosen my necktie and stop hanging around the coworker who likes to slap people on the back when he tells a bad joke. I also need to seriously contemplate whether I should not shower for the next few days. The first moment that hot water hit my chest, I think I passed out as my nerve endings screamed ‘Uncle!’ Next time I plan on lounging in Lucy and Ethel’s pool, you can make darn sure I’m going to fill up on caffeine. I’m also hearing some very positive feedback on something called sunscreen. Is it something you suspend from poles? Hopefully it isn’t too expensive and is easy to use.

This is all another perfect example of life’s ying and yangs and ups and downs. One fried is extremely tasty and the other fried is extremely painful. I think it’s beautiful when life balances out that way. Although you know what, both will kill you in the end. Why are the best things always so bad? Oh hey, how about fried Macaroni and Cheese??????


Completely Worthless Thing Almost Worth Mentioning Today: I just heard that one of my coworkers is on the phone with someone named Mabelline and another is on the phone with a woman named Elvira. How cool is that! I told my secretary that when Peggy Sue calls, I‘d gladly take it…

23 comments:

Jenny! said...

Fried Mac and Cheese balls are delicious! You remind me of my fiance...he will ooze in places wildy inappropriate at the mention of bacon!

TexasPeanut said...

You have to tried fried Twinkies, we have they at our State fair, Along this fried Snicker bars and this year both Fried Oreos and Coke (the drink) were added. Man, I love the South.

Michael C said...

Jenny!: Your fiance sounds like he was born with a ton of good taste! I'll leave the oozing part alone ;-)

Texas: My keyboard is going to short out from all the drooling you just made me do! Fried Coke?? My world just got new meaning!!!

Odat said...

I'm not one for fried foods, ya know (does that mean I won't be your best bloggin bud anymore?)
As a matter of fact I'm feeling sick right now...lol. (That's why i didn't go to work again today ;-)
BTW, if you feel you can't sleep at night, why not hop into the kiddie pool! Problem solved!
Peace

Michael C said...

Odat: You seriously didn't go to work again today? So, how's life in your spectacular world?? ;-)

I'll look the other way on the fried foods and yes you're still my best bloggin' bud!!!!

If I sleep in the kiddie pool, the bats might get me....

FRIGGA said...

Oh man, I want that fryer now! I could just go to KFC, but I always stop when I remember the whole KFC/Taco Bell rat incident (NY I think...). Well ewwww! But I love fried food. Especially cheese!

Patti said...

"Fry Me to the Moon" just jumped into my head for some reason.
Ummmm...you could have the sensation of going into space and beyond after consuming all the yummy fried goodness you mentioned? A fry high??

I give up. Having a weird day.

Michael C said...

Frigga: I'm telling you, fried cheese is a key building block of life! It think it's also a key destroyer of it, but I really don't care!
;-)

Michael C said...

Patti: Fry Me To The Moon has always been my favorite Sinatra song!!

Scottsdale Girl said...

OMG Fried bacon? *swoons*

Michael C said...

Scottsdale Girl: Doesn't it sound tasty. I haven't been able to do a single productive thing today since I started thinking about it!!
Thanks for stopping by.

Mother Hoodwink said...

My husband had a fried Twinkie at a state fair once. The sugar rush made him even more obnoxious than he is when he drinks.

Hope your sunburn goes away soon. Until then you should fill your tub with aloe and jump in.

PS Thanks for visiting me.

~*SilverNeurotic*~ said...

True story: When I was in high school and had my first date my dad decided that that day would be the perfect time to deep fry chicken wings, and even though I was not planning on eating I sat at the kitchen table while he was cooking. The guy comes and picks me up and after driving for awhile he remarks that his jeep smells like fried chicken. God, how embarrassing! But we got a good laugh when I told him what it was.

JR's Thumbprints said...

Once a year, the wife and I purchase a greasy bucket of chicken, and once a year, we're reminded of why we don't do it more often. We blame is on the coupon.

Awesome Mom said...

I have a deep sympathy for your wife right now. I can't even begin to imagine how gross your house would smell if you got that deep fryer. Lucy and Ethyl would go to school smelling like fast food.

Ralph said...

I think that Sinatra's better choice lyrics would be:

"Come Fry With Me,
Let's Fry, Let's Fry Away..."

How about some fried calamari tubes, look like onion rings, but can vulcanize if fried too long. Breaded and deep fried Brie?

Does your heart doctor have spies planted on your blog which will have the food police sent to your home...?

AndreAnna said...

Mike's Alton Brown obesession turned against me when he did a special on frying and how if done at the right temperature, frying food really doesn't absorb any oil and just cooks the food, and isn't any worse for you that a little pat of butter. So, after months of pleading, I finally bought him the most expensive deep fryer with digital thermostat for his birthday.

He's used it once.

Sigh.

Mimi Lenox said...

..it's the ying to food's yang...Priceless, Michael.

Michael C said...

Mother Hoodwink: Fried Tinkies? I can only imagine their wholesome goodness. Thanks for visiting my site!!

Silver: THAT, is a funny story!!!!

JR: I won't ask what reminds you why you only do it once a year ;-) Coupons are powerful, evil tools!

Awesome: AM I a horrible father since the twins expect fried with every meal?? ;-)

Ralph: Sinatra's Coffee Song could be redone to the Deep Fryer Song...

No spies, although I do hear weird sounds sometimes at night ;-)

AndreAnna: When you put it up for sale, just let me know! I would vote Alton Brown for President, if given the chance!!

Mimi: Thanks! Good to see ya, too.

Crashdummie said...

and ppl wonder why I'm a vegetarian ;)

Michael C said...

Crash: I promise not to hold that against you ;-)

Tammie Jean said...

Have you ever been driving in your car and thought, "Wow, something smells good!" And then you realize all you can really smell is the grease cooking from the diner or McDonald's or something? We smell grease and go Mmmmmm! It's gross but true.

kat said...

I have had fried mac and cheese. It is OUTSTANDING.

A friend of mine is planning a Bacon Tasting party. She is inviting a bunch of people and everyone is supposed to bring their favorite prepared bacon. Normally I don't eat meat but I am making an exception for this. I don't know if anyone is planning on deep fried bacon but if it happens I will let you know.