Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Beyond The Cubicle Wall…

If I ever decide to write a mock work place soap opera (a Mopera, if you will), today’s post title would be the name of it. I haven’t regaled you with my tales from beyond the cubicle wall in a while and yesterday was one of those days that reminded me that I need to. The day got off to a bad enough start and I should’ve realized it would be best for me to go home, even though it was my fault.

I must be missing something in my life, dying or succumbing to the effects of my weak heart, but I arrived at the office and promptly told Female Coworker that I was so happy to see her that I could hug her. Where the heck did that come from? Unfortunately before I could recover, I had said it and at least two other coworkers heard me. What was Female Coworker’s response to this? ‘I don’t like to be touched!’ Really, did anyone who has been reading this blog expect anything different? Realizing what I had done, I went and tried to hide in my cubicle. I turned my monitor so that no one could see my face and tried to pretend I was on the phone for the next hour or so. All was going well until I got my fingers stuck in the handle of my coffee cup. It turns out that while I might be able to get four fingers through the handle of my ‘Incredibles’ coffee mug, I cannot get them out of said mug. And THIS my dear friends was when Female Coworker felt it was necessary to come over and speak to me about my earlier hugging utterance. She walks into my cube in all her ‘I’ll kick your arseyness’ while I am trying to pull my half empty coffee mug off of my left hand. She asked me ‘what the #$#^$#^% are you doing,’ to which I replied with sunken shoulders and downcast head ‘uh, my hand is stuck in my coffee mug.’ She countered with ‘what did you do idiot, glue it?’ You can imagine the left coast rattling laugh that ensued when I admitted that I had put too many hands through the handle…

Yes, that is the point when I should have clutched my chest and used my physical disappointments as an excuse to go home. I of course did not. This was only somewhat directly related to the fact that I had a staff meeting to attend. Our staff meetings are always interesting. Mostly this is because of Mr. Socially Oblivious who really picks staff meetings to rise to the occasion. He likes to repeat what other people have said just mere seconds after they say it as if it is his own grand idea. Let’s just say I have a great boss who chooses to pretend that Mr. Socially Oblivious is in fact the architect of the great idea. Then there’s his well, ‘habit.’ He likes to bite his fingernails throughout our meetings. Ok, MAYBE I could handle that, but it’s the fact that he spits them out and you can hear them ping off the blinds. Dear readers, I AM NOT making this up! It’s disgusting and I have more than once been in the middle of speaking when he does this and it causes me to draw a blank and forget what I was going to say, which makes everyone think there is something wrong with me and not Mr. Spitting For Distance.

Then came lunch. Female Coworker, Mr. Lay Low and myself all went out together. You can imagine our surprise when we ended up at the same Hawaiian BBQ joint (aloha, mahalo, sorry it just felt so appropriate) as Boss Man, New Guy, Mr. Socially Oblivious and one of our clients. We sat at the far opposite end of the restaurant and made faces at Boss Man while he was busy conducting his lunch meeting. It was evident he had no desire to be at this meeting and we all thoroughly enjoyed watching him try not to laugh. When Female Coworker took a call on her cell phone, she immediately slipped into her ‘need to yell’ voice, which many cell phone users seem to suffer from. Twice I reminded her to use her ‘inside’ voice but to no avail. When she finally got off the phone Mr. Lay Low and I began yelling to explain to her how loud she is on the phone and everyone in the restaurant turned to watch us. Now it was at this point for some reason that the owner of the restaurant decided to walk by our table. We nodded and smiled in a scene eerily reminiscent of the Cantina scene in Star Wars where the Storm Troopers walk past Han’s table after he shot Greedo. (Author’s mental note: I truly cannot I believe I just made that analogy…). I spent the rest of lunch asking aloud how in the world Mr. Socially Oblivious could be hungry after snacking (on his fingers) throughout our staff meeting all morning!

Before I wrap this up, I need to address a concern. It has occurred to me that some bloggers (well, at least one that I am aware of) may be feeling some degree of sympathy for Female Coworker because it appears that she is the victim of our countless pranks. Let me caution you that Female Coworker is only to be feared, never sympathized with. Let’s put it this way, she gets a client on the phone and you can feel and smell the fear emanating from the phone line or cell tower. Instead of saying good morning to her clients, she greets them with a warm ‘why the hell do you keep screwing up?’ ‘We ALL fear her here, even Boss Man. Now that I made my hugging remark, I am in the most fear.

Just to save face, I turned some of the staples upside down in her stapler. Sadly, I think she heard me giggling when she screamed ‘who the hell messed with my %$%$%^$&’in stapler!!!!!!’ Yeah, I’m hoping to make it through today. If I don’t, all of you are free to take one of my PEZ dispensers…

38 comments:

brandy said...

MC- Glad you cleared up the 'feeling sorry for Female Co-worker'. I don't feel sorry for her at all anymore- continue on with the upside staples good man. And can I just say the fact that you put up my Personal Jesus and the Baldwin in a photo makes you the hero of the day? I'm so jealous that your staff meeting gives you such good blogging material. Mine consisted of me and my boss. Her staring into space talking about her boyfriend and me thinking of all the ways I could end my life using the dull point of a pencil.

Michael C said...

Bran: Glad you are back on my side with the whole FC issue. I thought you might enjoying seeing your personal Jesus today. Do I need to have all pencils removed from your vicinity??

Jenny! said...

I think you might be dorkier than I am...with the Star Wars reference! He he he!

Michael C said...

Jenny!: I knew doing that was a mistake ;-)

meleah rebeccah said...

"she immediately slipped into her ‘need to yell’ voice, which many cell phone users seem to suffer from. Twice I reminded her to use her ‘inside’ voice"

CRACKED ME UP!

(and I love the picture you know why....)

(ps again: great title for a TV sitcom)

Michael C said...

Meleah: Thanks! I thought the Tina fans out there might enjoy a fix, especially since it's summer rerun time ;-)
Maybe I can at least sell the sitcom title to a network and let them do the rest of the work...

katherine. said...

what is wrong with Star War references?

Michael C said...

Katherine: Nothing, unless one gets too detailed with the obscurities, say like Han shooting Gweedo, for instance ;-)

kat said...

I don't feel one measly second bad for Female Co-worker. I rather enjoy that she is tormented. I don't know her but I know she most likely deserves it.

That is fucking disgusting about Socially Obvious and his nailbed snacking. See - I would have to say something. I really would. I would probably say it in the meeting.

And I would probably get fired and end up being the waitress at the Hawaiian BBQ joint.

And I would probably clip my nails into his food.

Umm... I've gone too far haven't I?

Michael C said...

Kat: No you haven't gone too far. Please continue ;-)

Odat said...

I just hope that some day michael, that you can kiss that cubicle goodbye...I think it messes with your brain!!!
Peace

Michael C said...

Odat: Cubicle, what cubicle? Oh, you mean this box I'm in??

Airam said...

I would've accidentally thrown the remaining coffee (room temperature of course) in her face for that comment.

Ralph said...

Michael, mere mortals like Female could never understand...you are just so misunderstood (or is that misunderstimated?)

AndreAnna said...

Ok, that story about you getting your fingers stuck in the mug is hysterical and totally something I would do!!

And that fingernail guy is just gross. I would so say something one day, as he pings them off the blinds "Hey, wanna see who if you can hit the bald guy?"

a life uncommon said...

I think the pranks are hilarious... and kinda fun. What other way are we supposed to get through this thing we call work?

AndreAnna said...

Oh, and would you still be my friend if I told you I never saw Star wars and the reference was totally lost on me? :(

Michael C said...

Airam: Yes, I've noted that is needs to be room temp before I try it ;-)

Ralph: I'll definitely be excommunicated if I keep it up, my friend.

AndreAnna: Glad to know I'm not alone in the coffee mug thing, really I am!
And yes, I can look past the Star Wars thing...for now. Can you view it within the next 3 months?? ;-)

A Life Uncommon: Those are my thoughts exactly. We have to blow off a little steam at work. Sure our productivity drops, but only a little. Right??

AndreAnna said...

Why, what happens in three months? Is there a test? Oh god, I hate tests.

Michael C said...

AndreAnna: I just figured 3 months was plenty of time to get the 6 films watched ;-)

Lone Grey Squirrel said...

Very funny post as usual. You are really an extreme sports athelete, the way you flirt with danger aka female co-worker. haha.

Lone Grey Squirrel said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Lis said...

Great choice of picture although for a moment there I thought this was going to be a How-much-do-I-love-Tina-let-me-count-the-ways type of post.

Speaking of office pranks, anyone in my office who goes on holiday usually return to find everything on their desk wrapped in newspapers. Individually.

Patti said...

Funny, funny stuff, except for the fingernails. Ga-ross!! How could someone do that??

I recently attended a grownup dinner (Rotary Club) where one woman at the table decided to play a prank when one of the guys got up to talk to someone at another table. She switched his peach melba dessert (vanilla ice cream) with the dish of sour cream on the table. She drizzled some of the peaches from her dessert onto his. The eight of us were laughing so hard we were crying as we anticipated his return. We all couldn't stop releasing endorphins and the rest of the room was looking at us.
He finally returned and took a bite of his doctored dessert. We were all about to burst as we watched him.
I realize you had to be there, but you get the idea. Long story short, pranks have a place in our grownup world.

Crashdummie said...

Awww I thought that was so sweet of you. If I was close by, I’d just go to your office, approach your desk, dragging you up on your feet and give you a great big hug and say: “You mushy carebear you!”

The least of your probs would be wondering what your colleagues thought of this incident – you should be more worried how I found out where you worked, and how I recognized you IRL…


PS. Sure that stunt deservs 2 PEZ dispenseres no?

Michael C said...

Lone Grey: I had never thought of it as an extreme sport, but you are exactly right!!

Lis: I was tempted to do that type of post, honestly! I like the newspaper prank!!!

Patti: I wasn't there and it still sounds like a great prank.

Crash: Yes, your stunt deserves much more than 2 dispensers. I'll even throw some of the PEZ candy in too ;-)

Leiselb said...

Ha-larious. Seriously. Female Co-worker sounds like a headcase....but one I think I would thoroughly enjoy AFTER I got over the verbal abuse, you know? Fingernail man is just....gross. Thanks for the morning smile!

Jenny! said...

I love Star Wars! You should see my Chewbacca costume!

Michael C said...

Leiselb: You are ver welcome. I'll tell Female Coworker she can can't on you ;-)

Jenny!: Seriously? Now I wanna see it!!

brandy said...

It would appear that FC has NO allies at all. I feel slightly ashamed for worrying about her- clearly that was the wrong move.

Michael C said...

Bran: Trust me, she more than holds her own (that's what she said). I could feel somewhat bad for her if I didn't fear her the way that I do or if she had let me hug her ;-)

FRIGGA said...

I definitely like the title of your new Mopera. And as unpopular as this might make me, I still feel some sympathy for FC. Or, at least I wonder, which began first, the pranks or the "fear me" attitude?
In any case, this post had me laughing the whole way through :P

Michael C said...

Frigga: it was the fear part! That was first...I swear ;-)

ingenue said...

The banner's very cool. The post, I admit, I didn't finish. It's time I surrender to sleep. Sorry.

I'll be back.

Michael C said...

Ingenue: That may be the most honest comment I have ever seen ;-)
Hurry back!

best bud said...

Han Solo shot Greedo. Wasn't Gweedo an SNL character?

Michael C said...

Best bud: Oh my, that's embarrassing. I'm updating that right now!! Thanks buddy!! ;-)

~*SilverNeurotic*~ said...

I have a coworker that likes to give hugs...it would be one thing if she was genuine but she's not. I think I will have to start with the "I don't like hugs" attitude before she returns to work.

And my mother suffers from loud mouth syndrome too...except it also affects when she is talking to someone with an accent. I guess she thinks that along with the accent, the people are half deaf as well.