Thursday, June 14, 2007

It Sure Sucks To Be Pluto

Remember the big hubbub (can I still be cool if I use that word) about the demolition, I mean demotion of Pluto last year? I wrote about it, as did many others. The poor celestial body was stripped of its planet status and reclassified as a smaller object. Well, it turns out that another nearby moon was found by the Hubble Telescope to be bigger than Pluto. So now not only does Pluto have to suffer the indignity of losing its planet hood, but it’s not even the biggest of the new ‘dwarf planets.’ If they keep finding more of these moons out there, we’ll be referring to them as Pluto and the Seven Dwarves. Admit it; you knew that was coming… I think Disney is already working on snapping up the licensing and trying to get a Happy Meal deal finalized with McDonalds. You can collect all eight of them!

Gee, I hope it’s PC for me to say dwarf planet. Was I supposed to call it a ‘Little Planet?’ I know ‘Elf Planet’ is out as I’m sure ‘Gnome Planet’ and ‘Midget Planet’ are. Is calling Pluto an ‘Almost Planet’ acceptable? How about ‘The Little Planet That Was But Is Too Small To Be Anymore?’ Too wordy? OK, then I guess ‘Wannabe Planet’ isn’t appropriate either. We could call it the ‘Accidental Planet.’ Since Clyde Tombaugh discovered Pluto (yes, I’m that smart - - and thank you Wikipedia, by the way), perhaps Pluto should now be called ‘Tombaugh’s Folly.’ That has a nice ring to it, don’t you think?

If we are so concerned with reclassifying planets, shouldn’t we pay some attention to both Jupiter and Saturn? Each of them is very unique. Let’s take Jupiter for instance. It is the biggest planet in our solar system and should be reclassified to represent that fact. When compared to Earth, Mars or Venus, Jupiter is just plain huge. If you ask me, Jupiter is an ‘Obese Planet.’ Is ‘obese’ ok to use? I know it’s hard when everyone turns on the television or telescope or observatory and sees the beautiful Earth. Then they all feel that every planet should be compared to earth’s alluring curves. Let’s be serious though, Earth is a model that not everyone can live up to. Many planets need to be comfortable with their own size and craters and stop viewing Earth as the standard instead of the exception. Perhaps we should stop making such a big deal out of Earth so that the other planets don’t get a complex.

That brings me to Saturn. I don’t want to state the obvious, but Saturn is by far the richest of the planets. Can you think of another planet that sports its own jewelry? I mean seriously, how many rings does one planet really need? The worst part about it all is that Saturn is so cocky about its appearance. Rumor has it that when all the planets get together around the Sun that they sing ‘You’re So Vain’ about Saturn after it leaves. Yes, it’s cruel, but until Saturn learns to be a little more humble about its wealth, the jealousy and spite are just going to continue.

Saturn should really learn a few lessons from Mars. Ahh, Mars. It’s the planet that is thought of so highly that we used to fear it. I mean we think we jut found evidence of a shoreline on Mars, we keep sending rovers there and hope to visit it one day. If a planet were ever going to get a big head, or hemisphere, Mars would be it. But nooooooo (said in my best Steve Martin impersonation), Mars has remained ever humble. Next to Earth, Mars has more bragging rights than anyone, but it doesn’t get all flashy or complain about its classification. Then again, neither does Neptune, but really, who cares about Neptune? It just sits out there and has nothing special to offer. Who ever thought of naming a planet after the sea? Neptune is so disappointing. In fact, we should just reclassify Neptune as an underachiever. It’s not like it gave us a superhero or anything like Krypton did…

The planet we should really be concerned about is not Pluto, it’s Uranus (no, not yours. Get it? Ha, Ha. I said Uranus). If ever a planet had reason to be self-conscious, it’s Uranus. The poor planet has been, well, the butt of more jokes (here we go again if you read Tuesday’s post) than any other celestial body. I pity Uranus. It’s small, unattractive and always gets dumped on. So go ahead and cry for Pluto’s disappearance as a planet if you want, but it’s really Uranus that I worry about being wiped away.

38 comments:

brandy said...

Poor Pluto. Disney names a freaking character after this planet and now it's not even a planet. What a kick to the junk. (Hey, I've been around little kids all day, I have to say stuff like that sometimes). What the hell is going on there? Oh, and I think calling Jupiter "big boned" might be more appreciated.

captain corky said...

Do you think Pluto can still get it up?

Erica AP said...

You are all about the bum talk lately, huh? You can really never go wrong with writing about bums...

Michael C said...

Brandy: Jupiter as big boned? That's great!! And much kinder.

Captain: I have no idea. Do we really want to?

Erica: Why do I feel like I should start singing 'I like big butts??'
;-)

Trundling Grunt said...

Saturn is the bling planet, Jupiter has a giant zit.

I am sure the reclassification of Pluto is all very logical but it still takes some of the mystery and interest out of the universe so it's still on my list.

Jay said...

I feel badly for Pluto. Leave him be already.

Michael C said...

Trundling: I hear you my friend.

Jay: Yes, I am sorry.

Heart Of Darkness said...

Haha - I remember thinking this is what bullying on a galactical level must be like...

Michael C said...

Heart of Darkness: It's exactly what it would be like. Be very wary of Saturn...and that lay low Neptune!!

Heart Of Darkness said...

I think we should throw a few punches at Uranus. With a name like that, how can we not? :D

Michael C said...

Heart Of Darkness: I like the way you think!!

Heart Of Darkness said...

You only know half of it! ;)


Oh, you cry every day at work? Poor boy... I get furious ten times a day, but still... :)

Michael C said...

Heart: There's also a lot of mumbling and grumbling. I've gotten pretty good at that, too.

Heart Of Darkness said...

Oh, so when I said "you only know half of it", you decided to find out the rest, huh? LOL

Go ahead, ready all my blog posts, I dare you! ;)

Michael C said...

Heart: Isn't insomnia great??
;-)

Heart Of Darkness said...

Can't sleep? Heat up some milk, pour up some bourbon into it, drink it, jump in under the covers.

Or...


;)

Michael C said...

Heart: For me, the 'or' usually ends up with me in a staring contest with my alarm clock for the rest of the night. It usually wins
;-)

mist1 said...

I was at the bar last night with Pluto. He's totally a wreck since the whole demotion thing. It was kind of tragic really.

You should have been there when Rhode Island walked in. Pluto went nuts. He was all like, "little dude, you're next." He called him a commonwealth and all Hell broke out.

It was freaking awesome.

Heart Of Darkness said...

Staring contest. Huh... not exactly what I had in mind, but if it works for you... :)

Lone Grey Squirrel said...

Where were you when I studied astronomy? If you were teaching it, I might have remembered a thing or two.

The Rock Chick said...

You know I say there's nothing quite like a good rant!!! He who can rant about planetary status is ok in my world :)

very clever post! really liked it!

Jessica The Rock Chick

Michael C said...

Mist: That is too funny! I hear Pluto got into a shoving match with Lichtenstein, too.

Heart: I was tired and it was all I could come up with. Any more suggestions? ;-)

Lone Grey: Just remember that Neptune will stab you in the back!

Rock Chick: Thanks! It did kind of become a rant, didn't it.

FRIGGA said...

That was all very informative. But then you go and completely leave out poor little Planet X. Maybe you're just trying to start more planetary bar brawls..
:)

Kaiser Scott said...

How come no one is mentioning the great planets Mercury named after Freddie ?

fyi uranus was the first planets discovered in 1690 william herschel

mikey --Uranus has been visited by only one spacecraft, Voyager 2 on Jan 24 1986 so see mars isnmt so special after all

Michael C said...

Frigga: Yes, creating awkwardness is fun for me ;-)

Scott: Why don't you display this super intelligence in the office? I am kidding of course, my friend.

Jenny! said...

I swear scientists name things like uranus just for shits and giggles! Could the next planet be named vaginas just for fun!

KAISER SCOTT said...

I SWEAR AS SOON AS I STEP THRU THE DOOR AND SEE JABBA THERE WELCOMING ME MY MIND TURNS TO MUSH MATE MY WISEDOM IS BETTER SERVED ELSEWHERE RIGHT NOW OR ATLEAST UNTIL MY ARSE WAKES UP AND I SHAVE .I DONT THINK I COULD PULL OFF THE MIAMI VICE 5 O CLOCK SHADE LOOK AS WELL AS YOU DO MATE ...

Kaiser Scott said...

WHY DOES THE NEXT PLANET HAVE TO BE NAMED AFTER A WOMANS BODY PART ? WHY CANT WE HAVE THE PLANET TESTIES OR PLANET SPERM .DONT THEY HAVE A NICE RING TO IT ...IMAGINE THIS AROUND CAMPUSES IN AMERICA...THE SUN MERCURY VENUS EARTH MARS JUPITER SATURN URANUS NEPTUNE PLUTO TESTIE AND PLANET SPERM ! NOTICE HOW I BUSTED OUT PLANET KNOWLEDGE EVEN PUT THEM IN ORDER FROM THE SUN

Kaiser scott said...

Jenny would the people on planet vaginas be Clitizens ?

Jenny! said...

Kaiser Scott....fuck yeah they would! Oh, you are so clever! I wish I would have thought of that..dang!

Just telling it like it is said...

The only planet I ever paid attention to is uranus... should I be worried?? Is that so wrong...
and you know that the apple does not fall from the tree when you little boy comes home from school and says, "quess what mom there is a planet called uranus"..apparently that is the only planet he paid attention to too!!Yep that's my boy!!

Michael C said...

Jenny and Scott: You should take this routine to the nightclubs!!! ;-)

Just Telling: You should be one proud mama!!! ;-)

Just telling it like it is said...

You know I am I taught him well

Patti said...

I don't think I'm supposed to read some of these comments.
I lead a sheltered, suburban mom kind of life.

P.S. Tell Scott to get his own blog.
I would read it.

Michael C said...

Just Telling: I AM taking parenting notes from you ;-)

Patti: Don't encourage Scott!!! ;-)

kaiser scott said...

the leader of planet clit could be his royal highness clitorus maximus

kat said...

I have officially seen it all. A blog about the gluttony and insecurities of our fucking planets.

THIS is why The Wonderful World Of Nothing Worthwhile is the first stop I make when I have time to stop.

Michael C said...

Kat: Can I copyright that last sentence you made? It's PERFECT advertising!!
;-)