Wednesday, June 06, 2007

The Graduate (Times 2)

Well I can’t believe it’s finally here. Lucy and Ethel graduate tomorrow. No, don’t worry, this isn’t a bad sitcom where the new baby ages 4-6 years during the show’s summer hiatus. They are graduating from preschool. I have no idea what that means, but I do know it’s important enough that me wearing shorts to the event has already been questioned. To help explain how important this is, I can tell you that when I can’t wear shorts to something, it usually means someone has died or gotten married, but rarely both at the same time.

I am almost interested in what the commencement ceremony is like for a bunch of giggly 4 years olds who can’t yet manage the volume of their voices. Will there be a procession? Will there be a commencement address delivered by someone? Since all the graduates are four, will it be someone like Barney, Big Bird or even the Wiggles? Man, I hope it’s not a clown that will talk down to the kids in the hope of entertaining them. Well, that and the fact that clowns scare me, except Ronald McDonald. I have been conditioned to expect a Big Mac when I see Ronald McDonald and that makes me happy.

I also hope there won’t be a valedictorian. I can just imagine having to listen to a well-rehearsed five-minute speech given by the smartest kid in the preschool. You know the type of kid I’m talking about. He (or she) is the one that can already tie his (or her) shoes, has stopped picking his (or her) nose, understands geometry and has read War and Peace. All of the mothers in the audience will be commenting how cute the youngster is and all the men will be making hand motions to the other men saying things like ‘can you believe this kid?’

Since you really can’t give a four year old a car for their graduation, we chose the next best thing: a bounce house. I’m sure they’ll be excited about it but let’s be honest here, with a weight capacity of 300 pounds; it’s more than enough for me to be able to get in there with them, not that I’ll need their invitation to. Within a week, they’ll be begging me to get out of it so they can get into with their little friends. Something tells me they’ll grow up to be the type of teenagers that are too embarrassed to bring their friends over to the house. I mean seriously, I paid for that bounce house. I’m just letting them use it.

All of this talk of graduation has me remembering my high school graduation. It never really turned out the way I expected. Sure there was the diploma and good-byes to friends I haven’t seen since, but there was something missing. There was no Anne Bancroft, me breaking up my true love’s wedding or an escape in a school bus. Come to think of it, I went that entire day without hearing Simon or Garfunkel. I didn’t even attend the big drunken post graduation bash because some friends and I were getting up early to go surfing the following day. The fact that there were five of us and only one surfboard is completely inconsequential. We have still chosen to call ourselves surfers.

So now, the twins enter public school. They’ve already grown so fast and before I know it, they’ll be graduating from real high school (as opposed to the one portrayed in High School Musical). I have no idea how I am going to prepare financially for that, especially since no one is yet making the movie version of Full House. I’m still holding out the hope that it’ll be made within the next 2 years while Lucy and Ethel can still play Michelle Tanner as she was in the last few years of the show. Actually, buying my next house, car and the boat I have always wanted hinge on the making of that movie too.

I am so concerned that I won’t be able to pay for double the college tuition in 13 years that I have resorted to giving Lucy and Ethel subliminal messages. I know it’s wrong, but I whisper the words ‘marry rich’ into their ears as they sleep each night. It must be working, because everyone says they’ve been asking what a karat is lately.

17 comments:

Empress Bee (of the High Sea) said...

sigh... we had girls too, and i hate to tell you but after college the bride's family pays for the weddings too... sorry.

smiles, bee

AndreAnna said...

Don't worry, I'm sure your girls will be smart enough to get scholarships (or marry rich...)

;)

Odat said...

I just love pre school graduations.....so cute and so innocent...cherish it....
then go play in your bounce house...
Maybe you can set one of them up with that valedictorian!

A surfer, huh????

Peace

Michael C said...

Empress: I know, I'm trying hard not to think about that ;-)

AndreAnna: I'll take either one!

Odat: I don't work for the rest of the week so that bounce house is going to get a lot of use ;-)

mist1 said...

If that whole college thing doesn't pan out, I heard that blogging can make you rich. Teach them how to type.

captain corky said...

I'm sure we can come up with a sitcom about them starring them. Who would you like to play you?

Patti said...

Preschool graduations are wonderful. Get ready to hear "Take Me Out To The Ballgame." At least that's what I most remember from the last preschool graduation I attended for our now 16-year old son.

Marrying rich is indeed an awesome concept.

And as for college, funding can come from all sorts of sources, from scholarships to grants and LOL (Lots of Loans).
Enjoy the day! And happy bouncing after the ceremony.

Michael C said...

Mist: If blogging makes you rich then sadly, I must not be doing it right.

Captain: That's a great idea. Mike Meyers can play me or Fred Willard, but then the idea of a senior citizen having 4 year old twins might be a little freaky.

Patti: 'Take Me Out To The Ballgame' would be great! The bounce house inflates in less than a minute, so I can't wait to get back home ;-)

Patti said...

Do you have a doctor's note to enter the bounce house?

The Rock Chick said...

Awwww, congrats to Lucy and Ethel!! We didn't do the pre-school thing with any of our kids so I'm not sure what happens at a pre-school graduation! I'll bet it's cute, though!!

One of my daughters graduated from 8th grade on Sunday. She wanted a new flute to play in high school. Kids! I think I got a clock radio when I graduated from high school and now we have to buy bounce houses and flutes! Times, they are a changing!!

Congrats to your girls!!!!
Jessica The Rock Chick

Jenny! said...

How exciting...twins! I remember my Preschool Graduation being a pain and stupid...but hey...I was 4 and I didn't get anything even remotley as cool as a bounce house!

Flenker said...

I had a graduation ceremony for kindergarten, and our guest of honor was none other than Barbara Bush! This was in the pre-first lady days. It was right around her vice-first lady days, though. She vowed to be at our high school graduation, but never showed. It was awkward, all of us sitting there waiting for her. She did send a letter stating that she wished she could have made it, but due to health issues or something, she wasn't able to. I think it was just a cop-out, so she wouldn't have to come to some school in Iowa. She probably figured she'd be dead by then. Oh well. Congrats to your girls!

Ralph said...

Michael, You wrote the speech for your valedictorian, didn't you...c'mon dad, you are trying to play this event as cool as you can, but are very soft hearted. After all, this is as big a change in life as going from 29 years old to the big 3-0...right?

kat said...

You are beyond - BEYOND - ridiculous. This entry went in so many different directions of laughter I almost can't take it. Lve that you bought them a bubble bounce thingie. That rules.

So apparently some school in one of those incestuious middle states graduated NINE sets of twins the other day. NINE.

Just thought that might interest you for some reason.

~*SilverNeurotic*~ said...

Hm, if they did a movie version of Full House I would hope it would be a satire, like they did with The Brady Bunch movie. :)

Pre school graduations are cute, the kids usually sing a few songs, the teacher might say a few words about how wonderful the kids are and then they get "pretend" diplomas. Least, that's how my siblings preschool graduation went...

High school graduation was a weird experience for me. I didn't cry or get emotional, got my diploma and stood around waiting for my boyfriend to get his (he was one of the last cuz he graduated summa cum laude (I graduated cum laude. I was determined he was going to be the first person I hugged but my plan was foiled as the kid that sat next to me in English class that year came over and literally picked me up to hug me as "you are the one that forced me to pass English!". I haven't seen him since.

Michael C said...

Patti: No doc note. Nothing stands between me and bounce house deliriousness ;-)

Rock Chick: My high school graduation gift was an electric razor. Woo Hoo.

Jenny: I can't even remember if I went to preschool.

Flenker: Thanks for stopping by. Barb Bush at a kindergarten ceremony? That's pretty big time stuff!

Ralph: Yeah, I'm soft hearted, but both twins cried so much they had to be removed from the ceremonies for a little while ;-)

Kat: Incestuous middle states? Man, I swear you are great with words!!! I would almost kill for a line that good. Wait a minute, don't worry, I won't.

Silver: A sarcastic Full House remake would be so much fun to watch!

FRIGGA said...

I wanna bounce house too! If I can go back and graduate preschool can I play too? :)