Friday, June 29, 2007

That Was The Greatest Staff Meeting, EVER!!!

I may have alluded to this throughout the week, but I had my big upper management staff meeting today where we had to essentially justify our existence. My fellow bloggers gave me a lot of great ideas to use to get through the meeting and now that it’s over, I have to say IT WAS THE BEST STAFF MEETING EVER!! Let’s put it this way, my boss gave me several looks throughout the meeting that essentially said ‘you’ll be blogging about this, won’t you.’ Rest assured I gave him the ‘you bet your behind’ look back several times.

The meeting started off innocently enough. My fellow prankster coworker and I had been debating all week whether to speak like pirates or gangstas through the meeting. In fact, we spent the majority of yesterday practicing both methods. A bet was even placed that I would slip the phrase ‘walk the plank’ into my presentation.

Having worked with this particular upper manager before, I kind of knew what to expect, but all of my coworkers did not. The tone of the meeting was set early when Female Coworker was asked what client keeps her up at night worrying. I answered the question for her and Upper Manager stopped me and asked Female Coworker ‘what’s the deal, are you sleeping with Michael?’ I began choking on my coffee and everyone else’s mouth hit the floor. Then we all laughed. It kind of opened the floodgates of inappropriateness. Seriously, have you ever heard an Upper Manager make accusations of a coworker’s sleep partners? I wonder how our HR department would feel about that. Actually, after the many meetings I have had with them, I know the answer…

Then came the moment when Upper Manager said, ‘OK Female Coworker, since you’re sleeping with Michael, who keeps him up at night worrying?’ Female coworker answered the wrong client. Upper Manager then made a comment about how I had been lying to Female Coworker in bed. I tried to regain control of the situation and explained that I had lied to Female Coworker so she would let me get some sleep last night…AND I GOT AWAY WITH IT!!!. My friends, I had tested the waters of office rudeness and let me tell you, they were very, very warm. For the rest of the meeting, Female Coworker was asked what each male coworker said about their clients while in bed with her. It was almost surreal and I really did think I was being tested. I’d like to think I lived up to the expectations that had been set.

When In The Office Two Days A Week Guy began his presentation by stating he was not much for metrics and numbers, we all listened as he read off his stats for a few minutes. I then asked him sarcastically when he was going to get to the metrics. Upper Manager did not laugh. Then New Guy began his presentation by handing Upper Manager highlighted spreadsheets detailing his performance. Immediately and collectively, everyone rolled their eyes. I was almost driven to tears by this display of eye-rolling teamwork and camaraderie. It was totally a Dwight Schrute thing to do and New Guy will now forever be called Schrute by those of us who will remember his actions from this day forward. Since rude and crude was now acceptable, I offered him my lip balm as he wrapped up his presentation. New Guy may not have appreciated it, but everyone else sure did.

Then came to moment we were all waiting for. It was Mr. Socially Oblivious’ turn to justify his job. And boy did he. He took a cell phone call while Upper Manager was asking him a question, cussed like a Catholic boy whose parents are out of town and kept biting his fingernails. We all smiled knowing that we could not have scripted it any better. And please keep in mind this is the same guy that when he saw his secretary at the donut shop this morning, told her it looked like she was getting fat. When our other secretary told him last week that she was pregnant, he responded with ‘again?’ I could go on, but I don’t want to bias you. When he referred to one of his lady clients as being ‘Very Female,’ we all lost it. Do I really need to tell you that for the remainder of the day, everything we described was described as being ‘Very Female?’ Even lunch. My quesadilla was ‘Very Female,’ as was my boss’ salad and the waitress who served them to us. Seriously, all Mr. Socially Oblivious skipped doing was simulating the size of the woman’s chest with his arms. I honestly don’t think I’ve ever given someone a more appropriate nickname than Mr. Socially Oblivious.

Well, that was our staff meeting in a nutshell. It featured all the things that make entertainment captivating. It had sex, adult content, bravery, betrayal, tension and a cast working towards a common goal. Unfortunately, I did lose the bet about working the phrase ‘walk the plank’ into the meeting. I did however explain what ‘gangstas’ and pirates have in common…they both like booty. AND I GOT AWAY WITH IT!!!!! Maybe this place isn’t so bad after all…

Did I just say that out loud? What is happening to me…?

23 comments:

AndreAnna said...

Holy crap and boogers, I'm first! waahoo.

I wish my meetings were that fun. My "team" at work is made up of only females, so our meetings usually end up discussing periods, babies, or So You Think You Can Dance.

Michael C said...

AndreAnna: Yep, you are first!!! Aside from the periods, it sounds like those discussions would be fun!!
;-)

Ralph said...

Well, using the "sleeping with" comment is probably better than using the 'Eff' word to get the participants attention...Hey, you don't have to be anal to enjoy presenting metrics (although my metrics are better than anyone else's metrics)...your walking the plank note reminds me of a shirt I saw on the Cape last year:
"Plundering...
Drinking...
Wenching...
Oh It's a Pirates Life For Me"

Odat said...

Hope you don't "walk the plank" if any of them read this!!!!
Have a wonderful weekend.....
Peace

Patti said...

I can't believe you said that maybe your workplace "isn't so bad after all"
are you feeling OK Michael?

Patti said...

P.S. I just redid the seal, with corrections.

Lone Grey Squirrel said...

Okay, you've lost me at the point where you are sleeping with everybody!

brandy said...

Well done! Man, I think I want to work where you work. Sounds like it would be at the very least, very entertaining. I never mentioned this in my email, but my co-worker and I once did a 'talk like a pirate' presentation. Our theatre class was performing "hook" and we made a bet to see who could throw in more 'pirate lino' during our introductions and welcoming. I kicked her ass, my personal favourite being 'your children were a bunch of wee lubbers when they came fit for davy jones locker, but we've shipped them straight and now we've got a mean bunch of one eyed mates'. It was ridiculous. But fun. I considered mentioning the 'poop deck' but wasn't sure I could say it with a straight face. Especially to a crowd wearing pearls and excessive tweed.

Michael C said...

Ralph: I may need to go get that shirt!

Odat: Yeah, I'd definitely be plank ridden if they saw it!

Patti: I don't know what came over me and thanks for the new seal!!!

Lone Grey: Believe me, I was lost too.

Brandy: After detailing your pirate antics, we would get into too much trouble if we worked together ;-)
It sure would be fun though. With that workplace pirate lingo, you are my hero for today!

FRIGGA said...

Maybe I'm reading her wrong, but that Female CoWorker seems to be a bit Angela-ish (or just doesn't have a sense of humor)... I'd think she'd raise a stink over that.
I also wanted to let you know I posted the answers to the TT13 "Have You Ever?"

~*SilverNeurotic*~ said...

I'm insanely jealous of you.

kat said...

Reactions to post:

1. Laughing
2. Hitting hand on desk, laughing
3. Slapping forehead
4. Clapping

Michael C said...

Frigga: Angela would be the perfect description and kudos to you for making the reference!!

Silver: Don't be, it's still work ;-)

Kat: Just promise me you won't sue if you injure yourself. I don't think I could afford it ;-)
Thanks for being the first to clap for a post on mine though. That rocks!!

Heart Of Darkness said...

I think you should have talked like Clint Eastwood... "You have to ask yourself, do you feel lucky today, huh, do ya, punk!"... I'm not sure your boss would love that, though...

Heart Of Darkness said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Michael C said...

Heart: I wish you had mentioned that earlier. I'll save it for the next meeting!!

Heart Of Darkness said...

Haha

See, I'm good at meetings... maybe I can use that phrase next staff meeting! ;)




wouldn't that make them feel SO lucky they hired me?

Michael C said...

Heart: now that I think about it, it's best not to mention me if offered an interview.

'well, you did great, until you mentioned Michael...he's bad news. Sorry, we won't be able to offer you the position...'

Heart Of Darkness said...

Oh, but if I use that phrase while on the itnerview, then they wont care if you're good news or bad, they'll just... hire me because I sound just like the Clint? :D

Michael C said...

Heart: Good point, they may also be too scared not to hire you ;-)

Heart Of Darkness said...

Haha!


Why do you think I'd use that phrase, huh?

Michael C said...

Heart: Pretend not to know me and you'll fit right in!!

Heart Of Darkness said...

Oh, that's what the rest of the staff does...?