Tuesday, June 12, 2007

A Slow Pitch Right Down The Middle

When you get your inspiration from making fun of odd news stories, it doesn’t get any easier than this: A woman with the last name of Butts was accused of stealing toilet paper from an Iowa Courthouse. Ok, it could have been just a little better; her last name could have been something like Wipey. Yeah, I would pay someone with the last name of Wipey to steal toilet paper. Hey, what about Hiney? Hiney would be good too.

What I can’t figure out is why someone with such a ‘touchy’ or ‘sensitive’ last name as Butts would ever try to steal toilet paper, let alone steal it from a hall of justice, how cheeky. Sorry. Couldn’t she think of better booty to loot? Now she’ll be the butt of many jokes, although she probably already is. I can think of a few of my own to well, crack. Of course, I would never make them directly to someone with the last name of Butts because I wouldn’t want to look like an ass. I guess in hindsight, I already do.

Where was I? Oh yeah, the stealing thing. It has to be on par with stealing a candy bar from a police station vending machine. I wanted to say stealing donuts from a donut shop, but that’s too obvious so I decided to glaze right over it and just sprinkle it in there. I don’t like to leave holes in my stories. Maybe the Butts family could open a cigarette shop or sell a certain prosthesis? But…which body part? How about chins? My favorite is the cleft chin, like the one I possess. Some folks refer to that as a butt-chin, although that should probably be a different tale.

I guess I really have no other point to make. I’ve already come up with every angle of this story that I could. Unfortunately, I can be anal that way. So, I’ll wrap it up now. This could be my shortest post ever but it will allow me to cook dinner tonight. For some reason, I thinking of either rump roast or, yes you guessed it, pork butt, which isn’t what you’d think it is. I think it comes from the shoulder. Although in some animals, the definition of shoulder can be very broad…You know what, I’ll stop while I’m ahead. Or am I behind?

28 comments:

Ralph said...

Micheal, in a nearby town, there was a volunteer fireman who was convicted of setting fires...His name is Wallburn (I am not making this up!), so what's in a name?

Shibari said...

Hello! I just read about this.. I think it is hilarious actually. Wanted to post as we share a favorite movie.. So I married an Axe Murderer.. (brilliant stuff) Love your blog .. have a great day!

Ralph said...

PS, that roast, rump or otherwise, looks fabulous, nicely marbled (read: FAT), great for gravy (are you allowed that?)

Michael C said...

Ralph: I knew the comments inspired by this post were going to be fun! As far as the roast, I'll never stop eating red meat!

Shibari: Thanks for stopping by. It is a great movie, isn't it. To this day I still quote from it frequently!

captain corky said...

I really enjoyed this post, even though it made my hemroids flare up.

Empress Bee (of the High Sea) said...

i guess the poor thing will be the butt of jokes for years to come...

smiles, bee

Trundling Grunt said...

I know someone who actually married into the Butz family - and didn't keep her maiden name. But she is a trifle odd, in a sweet and somewhat violent way.

Michael C said...

Captain: Oh, sorry 'bout that!

Empress: You betcha!

Trundling: Now that is hard to fathom. For most, that would be a deterrent to even marrying the guy.

brandy said...

You are a god among mere mortals. Congratulations on having my favourite post of the day. Genius!

Michael C said...

Brandy: Well that was awfully nice to say. Thanks!!

mist1 said...

I had two post ideas to run tonight. One involved a photo of a large piece of meat. I decided to post the other one.

Crazy.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

The End

Michael C said...

Mist: You've proven before how gullible I can be, but I'll assume you aren't kidding and say something like: 'I took care of the meat portion of blogging for today.'

Hearts: I can't top that!

Odat said...

You forgot one....I know you don't like to curse...so I'll kinda say it for you: "What an a**hole"...
Peace

Lee said...

GRROOOOAAANNNN! ;)

Patti said...

Michael, we can always count on you to never do anything half-a**ed.

There was a traffic reporter in CT whose last name was Carr and the nurse I had when I had arthroscopic surgery on my knee was Nurse Payne.

Alison said...

I stole a roll of toilet paper from my alma mater two weekends ago. Been meaning to blog about that since I did it...

Michael C said...

Odat: I knew I could count on you ;-)

Lee: I deserved that.

Patti: Those are very good names!

Alison: Since your last name is not Butts and you only stole one role, we'll let it slide ;-)

Jenny! said...

When I read this in the paper, I literally spit out my drink...what the fuck! I think it was a plow for attention, cuz seriously .... your last name it BUTTS...lets go steal TP!!!

The Rock Chick said...

OMG! This was hysterical!!! I saw the article on Yahoo about Ms. Butts and laughed so hard I couldn't even breathe! I guess you're never too old for butt jokes...

Truth is by far better than fiction. So is making fun of it! Thanks for the laugh--this was super!!!!

Jessica The Rock Chick

kat said...

I hate to be a buttinsky but I thought perhaps I should suggest more meal options rather than be a party pooper and not leave any type of innuendo here. I don't want to assume that everyone has had enough of the butt jokes.

Nothing clever. Just wanted to suggest disco fries to go with the pork butt.

Michael C said...

Jenny! Yeah, not Ms. Butts' most brilliant idea, I'm sure.

Rock Chick: Sometimes you just can't make the best stuff up ;-)

Kat: OH MAN, DISCO FRIES AND PORK BUTT. COULD ANYTHING TRULY BE BETTER??? I swear my keyboard is going to short out if I keep drooling on it!

Natalie said...

Of all the posts that you have written and I have read, this may be my favorite. Nice work.

Flenker said...

Being from Iowa, and being familiar with the town involved, this theft probably had something to do with meth.

Flenker said...

Being from Iowa, and being familiar with the town involved, this theft probably had something to do with meth.

~*SilverNeurotic*~ said...

I suspect toilet paper gets stolen a lot from courthouses...it would explain why there was never toilet paper in the woman's bathroom when I was serving for jury duty.

FRIGGA said...

Um, that was punny. Butt I'd rather not get into that.

Erica AP said...

You are but a genius!!!