Monday, June 18, 2007

This Is Getting Old

There must be something special in Japan’s drinking water. A 111-year-old man in Japan officially became the World’s Oldest Man recently. Wow, I bet that’s something to brag about at the local bar, which I’m sure only serves him water or tea. The country also has the World’s Oldest Woman, who is 114. See, women do live longer. Now we have official proof to answer that age-old argument. I say let’s put the two of them together. If they bicker anything like my grandparents (who are in their mid-80s), they could sell tickets to the ensuing spectacle. It seems the older they get the more contempt they have for each other and the less they hold back. I should feel bad, but I think it’s cute. Seriously, do people really need to blame each other for a room being too cold or too hot or how much a pound of beef was at the super market or even in what city my mother was born? It makes Archie and Edith from ‘All in the Family’ look like newlywed lovebirds by comparison. If they ever were nice to each other, we would fear that they were suffering from terrible illness.

The best part of the AFP news story was when the World’s Oldest Man (we’ll call him Relic) cracked a joke about having lived too long. He might have said he was joking, but I wonder if it was one of those nervous jokes that people make when they really need help. He attributes his longevity to eating mostly vegetables and very few greasy meals.

Well, that does it for me. If that is what it takes to have a long life, punch my ‘timecard of life’ at age 40 or so. I try to avoid vegetables at all costs, like bribing people with $10s and $20s to eat mine. It’s made me poorer, but it doesn’t leave the ‘vegetably’ taste in my mouth. I could not imagine trying to limit my meals of greasy, gooey goodness. After all, the reason I exercise is to be able to continue eating those things. We all need French Fries, we all need onion rings and pizza is often a nice treat (and by ‘all’ of course, I mean me). Also, my addiction to melted cheese has been well documented here. I feel sorry for Relic. Can you imagine the guy passing on a nice meal while saying something like, ‘no thanks, I’m trying to make it to 115’ while everyone else at the table rolls their eyes. I wonder if living with someone that old is like constantly waiting for the other shoe (or him) to drop.

I don’t believe in taxing our healthcare system, but didn’t they invent bypasses and angioplasty for a reason? Look at it this way, if your sewage or water pipes are clogged, you call a plumber for their services. I choose to take the same approach with my medical provider. If they have a way to unclog my arteries, why not take advantage of it. I’ve already had an angiogram and while it was uncomfortable and I didn’t appreciate how hard the nurse had to push on the artery in my thigh (I sure feel sorry for her husband) to stop the bleeding afterwards, I could handle it again. I’ve already had heart surgery so I could take another bypass if it allows me to continue eating my favorite foods. Part of enjoying life is enjoying fine food and friends. Well, that and days off. In my opinion, you can only dress up a zucchini or green bean so many ways (such as Clark Gable or Marilyn Monroe…OK, that was horrible. I can hear the groans). However, you can do so much more with cheese and a deep fryer.

Just think of everything that Relic and Lady Relic have witnessed in their 111 and 114 years. I have to admit that it must be neat to see how much the world has changed, and even progressed in that amount of time. Wasn’t it only 50 years ago that people had to watch TV in black and white? Let’s look at some of the things they have seen. Relic and Lady Relic have had a front seat for not one, but two World Wars. They have gotten to see the miracle of the microwave, microwaveable popcorn, cars that have temperature gauges, 3-D movies, Saturday Night Live, The Bee Gees, David Hassellhoff and even riding lawnmowers. Can you imagine what it must have been like while they were growing up to actually have to cook their own meals? There were no McDonalds. Or how about a television with only 4-8 channels. They must get dizzy today having over 300 channels to surf, unless it’s just their blood pressures acting up again. Obviously, they have also been witness to bad things like global warming, fuel shortages and the birth of Paris Hilton, but I’m glossing over those things because I like to stay positive. Unless I’m at work. There’s nothing positive there, except when the clock strikes five. That reminds me, does anyone else find that the ONLY time they drive slowly is when they are driving into the office, or is it just me? I also have noticed that I play really depressing music while doing so…

Well, congratulations on officially becoming the World’s Oldest Man Mr. Relic. All I can say is better you than me. Although just think of how many bingo games he’s gotten to play. I bet he’s the all-time leader in consecutive rounds played. Sorry, there was just no way I could write 1,000 words about old people and NOT mention bingo, or mobile home parks. Oh wait; I didn’t mention mobile home parks? Well just think of the advancements Relic has seen in mobile home technology. Why, they don’t even call them ‘trailers’ anymore…and they have garages now.

There, that about covers it. I should stop while I’m ahead. I fear this material is getting old. All of a sudden, I’m in the mood for a well ‘aged’ steak…

51 comments:

Jenny! said...

I fed my veggies to the dog! He lived to be 24! Just kidding!

Crashdummie said...

ah, but see, life is not abt all the years you have lived, but abt all the moments you have cheerished.

So instead of thinking how much the old dude has experienced, I'm kinda hooked up on all what he hasn't...

mist1 said...

I heard on CNN that they had to be carbon dated to get an age estimate.

Michael C said...

Jenny!: That is funny. I'm bad at math, so what is that, like a 300 year old dog?? ;-)

Crash: Quality not quantity. You got that right!!

Mist: Yeah, apparently they both now qualify as historic artifacts ;-)

Odat said...

I'm not sure I want to live that long...actually I hate bickering...I think I'll go back to the french fries! ;d
Peace

AndreAnna said...

"Vegetably."

Classic. :)

Michael C said...

Odat: Yes, back to the fries! That's my motto.

Andreanna: Fruity, meaty or 'pie-y' tastes I can stand, but never, ever vegetably ;-)

Girl on the Run... said...

Maybe there only still alive because they did some dastardly deed and are being punished by being kept here...

lol

I am sure I am wrong but that's what Im thinking!

lol

M

Michael C said...

Girl on the Run: That's a a scary thought, isn't it? ;-)
I wonder how old I'm gonna get??

Patti said...

When the clock at work strikes 5, I imagine you sliding down a dinosaur's tail and yelling: Yabba-dabba-doo!

I've never heard anyone say "vegetably" but I like it.

FRIGGA said...

Dude, I soo do not want to live past 100 if I can't actually enjoy my life.

Michael C said...

Patti: I don't have a tail to descend, but I do run out ;-)

Frigga: I'm just hoping it's exciting after 60 ;-)

brandy said...

I don't think I want to live to be that old. I'm perfectly fine with dying at 84. That seems like a great age to go. And about the tv bit, I heard 100 years ago they didn't even have tv's. Of course, I don't have proof of this, but just the idea sends shivers down my spine.

Michael C said...

Brandy: 84? I was thinking 73. NO TELEVISION? SURELY YOU ARE KIDDING ME!!!!!
;-)

Jay said...

Living to 111 without grease...what kind of life is that?

And we wouldn't want to put the poor heart surgeons out of work now would we?

Michael C said...

Jay: It would be a sad, sad existence. I'm sure the heart surgeons will always have someone to cut open ;-)

Heart Of Darkness said...

People argue because they don't have anything better to do. A way of killing time as good as any, right?

What's theuse of us putting the two 100-something together - not like they are going to breed and pass on the gene of long living...


I took a test online once (and we all know how accurate those are, and it turned out my life expectancy is 89 years. Which is fine by me, not like I don't have enough plans to fill out the years up to 89... but 89? That sounds a little too old for my stomach. Plus, I'm not sure I want the proof of Newton in deed being right on my own body... *sigh*

Michael C said...

Heart: Breeding 100 year olds? I'm suddenly not feeling well. That would probably make Newton feel bad he was right ;-)

I haven't thought much about how long I'll go. I'm just trying to take advantage of the time I've been given, except when I get bored, which seems to happen all too often ;-)

Heart Of Darkness said...

Hear, hear!

Life is boring. Let's try and make the best of it.

Besides, I'm pretty much sure it's a physical impossibility for 100 y/o to breed.

And Newton... well, I was talking about gravity....

Michael C said...

Heart: Yes life can be boring...and then you find yourself in a discussion about what 100 year olds can do...let's leave that to the 100 year olds ;-)

Heart Of Darkness said...

LOL

RYC: Be glad I didn't tag you on the 100-things! ;)

Michael C said...

Heart: Man, 7 is a lot!!!!
If I started on the 100 things, I might finish before I die.
;-)

Heart Of Darkness said...

Yep, know that feeling... why I put off updating the list.

Heart Of Darkness said...

Yep, know that feeling... why I put off updating the list.

Michael C said...

Heart: My problem is that if I put something off, I have to remember to eventually get back to finishing it.

Heart Of Darkness said...

Bad memory?

My memory's terrific - only a bit short.. ;)

ryc: repelling sounds great, I think I'll go with that. Oh, and it's good to know my secret's safe with you! ;)

Michael C said...

Heart: let's put it this way -- my memory is great (for the things I WANT to remember).

As far as your 'mission,' I won't say a word. Just make sure she gets to see and envy you in your cool repelling suit before you...well ya know ;-)

Heart Of Darkness said...

Hey, I said she's size zero. I'm... well, not. :D

My memory sucks - but then again, I never pay enough attention to actually store information in my logn term memory... but's it's amazing with stuff nobody wants me to remember! ;)

Michael C said...

Heart: Well then, if it makes you feel better, get it all over with quickly ;-)

I can't remember important stuff, but anything trivial gets locked in and I never forget it. It makes me very good at Trivial pursuit...not that being good at a board game matters in the grand scale of life...unfortunately ;-)

Heart Of Darkness said...

See, that's what I've said - scary! And apocalyptic! ;)

Michael C said...

Heart: Should I go to confession, tie up all my life's loose ends and say 30 Hail Marys now? Uh-oh, I hear thunder...
;-)

Heart Of Darkness said...

30 Hail Mary's? I sin more through one day then what 30 Hail Mary's would cure...

Try 3,000!

Besides, after the Apocalypse, I'll be crowned Queen of the Universe, so don't worry - there's always room for people adoring me! ;)

Michael C said...

Heart: 3,000 Hail Marys? It might not be worth the effort. I fear I'm too lazy for that much work.

Does the position of Queen of the Universe come with it's own parking decal? It sounds like a position with a lot of pressure. Regardless, I'll try and stay on your good side...
;-)

Heart Of Darkness said...

Free parking in the city, just like for politicians! ;)


Why am I not linked on your blog? :O

Michael C said...

Heart: I'll never get over that free parking thing. Out here we have plenty of free parking at stores, but I want a nice spot reserved for me.

Uh, as for the link...gimmie 3 minutes
;-)

Heart Of Darkness said...

3 minutes? Countin... tick, tick, tick, tick


I could send over my free-parking badge... wont do you any good, though, because it's stated it's a local phenomena... but still... if you want...

Michael C said...

Heart: OK, I lied. It took me less than one.

Just to show up at work with a free parking badge would make me the envy of all my coworkers!!

Heart Of Darkness said...

Good boy! One up for the "keep" side, post-apocalypse and all...



Which address you want the badge to?

Michael C said...

Heart: Why do I feel better now knowing I have my post-apocalyptic security all ties up??

Definitely to my work address. The suspense will kill them!!!
;-)

captain corky said...

I just don't know how anybody got along before Television. What did people talk about?

Michael C said...

Captain: Maybe they talked about whatever was on the radio?? What a scary idea...

Heart Of Darkness said...

I don't know, why do you?

Okay, the work-address it is.... what is it?

Michael C said...

Heart: I guess it's nice knowing I can watch the apocalypse from a afar now as entertainment knowing I'm in good with the Queen of the Universe.

Are ya really sending me a parking badge? Woo Hoo, I'm gonna be so cool!! Can I email you the work address??

Crashdummie said...

Pffft, I always get everything right… either that or I totally screw things up. ;)

Michael C said...

Crash: One day I'll get something right. The screw up thing is gettin' a little old ;-)

Heart Of Darkness said...

Sure - go for it! Use the email on my profile.

Michael C said...

Woo Hoo - Free parking!!
OK, at least the decal...
;-)

Heart Of Darkness said...

Girls are so much smarter - I used the email addy on your profile...

Michael C said...

Heart: I am in no way going to argue that point!!!! Drat, I've been bested again!!
;-)

kat said...

Hmmm... living to 114 (barely - a life without sex and cheese is hardly living and he probably isn't getting either) versus youthfulness and cheddar?

I'll take cheddar!

(PS... do you participate on any online death pools? I have three teams and I believe I have scored a couple of oldest living person deaths this year already!)

Michael C said...

Kat: A death pool? Are you serious? I can make money and a natural phenomena? Woo Hoo!