Raise A Glass Milwaukee, You’re America’s Drunkest City

Forbes.com has released the results of their quantitative search to determine America’s Drunkest City. I’m sure all of my fellow Americans are appreciative of their effort just as I am. Of all the possible things to rank our major cities on (like lowest crime, most industrious, most populous, highest salaries, most Fred Willard fans, etc.), they decide to find America’s Drunkest City. Yeah, let’s publicize that to a world that already hates us and thinks we’re lazy.

In addition to being the home of the Milwaukee Brewers, the mayor of the city can now add being the drunkest place in our country to his cap. I bet the chamber of commerce is going to have a field day promoting their new honor. I hear they are acting to change the official city song to “There’s A Tear in My Beer.” What a great travel campaign they can now use. “Come drown your tears in Milwaukee, where you’ll never drink alone. It’s been proven, scientifically.”

To find our drunkest city, Forbes.com says it examined cities based on the following factors: state laws, number of drinkers, number of heavy drinkers, number of binge drinkers and alcoholism. After weighing all 35 cities chosen and all data collected, Milwaukee was the foam that rose to the top. Minneapolis-St. Paul (another party hot bed), Columbus (are you kidding me?), Boston (I can kind of understand that), and Austin (everything’s bigger in Texas) round out the top five. From these results, it appears that the mid-west is a lot more fun than originally thought.

Of course, Milwaukee was once the brewing capital of this country so on the surface it is not a stretch to believe that it could be America’s drunk capital. However, of all the breweries that once called Milwaukee home, only Miller remains. Come to think of it, maybe that’s why everybody’s drinking…to drown their sorrows.