Monday, August 07, 2006

The Case Of The Convict Cookies: Girl Scout Leader Caught Stealing

Really, what were the chances that there would be two great Girl Scout stories in a row? Apparently pretty darn good! This time we turn our attention to Ohio where Girl Scout Troop 225 recently lost their leader after she was charged with stealing over $5,000 to pay for her cell phone bill and other expenses.

The troop’s checks starting bouncing and it was then discovered that the troop’s bank account had only $8 left in it. Officials became suspicious and the trail of cookie crumbs, so to speak, led to the girls’ leader. If convicted of this heinous crime, she will have to pay back the stolen funds and serve 18 months in prison.

“Boy howdy a Girl Scout leader behind bars would make a great movie,” said a now-fired correctional facility employee.

Aside from the complete misuse of power (usually only exercised by members of Congress), needing to steal upwards of five grand for a cell phone bill is pretty shocking. My guess is that the phrase “other expenses” is probably law enforcement code for breast augmentation. To pay back the $5,000 she will owe, the leader could probably write a book chronicling her ridiculous crime, how she thought she could actually get away with it and her experience in jail.

She could name it something cool like “Samoa Snatcher” or “Troop Mom: Behind Bars.” I can see a Dr. Phil appearance in her future and a Lifetime Channel original movie, or maybe the Disney Channel now that I think about it. It could star Shelley Long in the reprisal of her Troop Beverly Hills role.

Let’s not forget the real victims of the story though; the girl scouts left behind to cope with the betrayal and the money they no longer have to use towards summer camp, crafts and the general fostering of local good will. I guess that’s what it’s used for, unless it’s for pinball machines, alcohol and backroom Monte Carlo nights. How would I know, I’ve never been a Girl Scout. I just write negative stories about them.**

My hope is that it won’t take too long for them to earn the $5,000 back. After all, that’s only about 9 boxes worth of Girl Scout cookies, isn’t it?

**Disclaimer: I have no problem whatsoever with the Girl Scouts as an organization, any particular girl scout member or their delicious cookies containing multiple addictive ingredients, which I crave for nightly.

5 comments:

Odat said...

Hmmm.....breast augmentation? lol...(men and breasts again)!

Send em all to the rabid camp...that way they'll be a lil more enthusiastic than usual selling cookies and make that money up in no time!

Peace

Michael C said...

The rabid camp is a great idea. I hear Avon is going to try a similiar sales tactic.

The Rhymes With Cookie Monsterist said...

I think there's lots of community service options available if this alleged scoundrel is convicted: make her eat the crap, make her serve as the den mother of a Boy Scout troop for gays only, make her go door to door selling them in some, um, decidedly unsuburban neighborhoods late into the evening. The list goes on. Why do their freakin cookies piss me off so much? Does it harken back to the time the company pres. of a former employer brought in his whiny daughters with the threat we had better buy this shit? Dr. Andrew, this anger is AFTER years of therapy!

Michael C said...

Wow Laugherist,
I didn't mean to strike such a sensative nerve, sorry. I myself am actually afraid of Girl Scout cookies. I think they have hidden powers beyond our comprehension!!

meloncutter said...

Dang... with all of this sin, corruption and debauchery in the girl scout organization, I feel bad about the days when I was a boy scout and we would slip over the the girl scout camp and eat the brownies.