What's That Sharp Pain I Feel? Oh, It’s Just Metal.

The Associated Press is reporting that a major acetaminophen maker is recalling 11 million bottles of painkillers sold in places like CVS and Wal-Mart. The recall is for pieces of metal that have been found in some of the pills. It is believed that the metal is coming from the manufacturing equipment used to make the pills.

Hopefully the same manufacturer of this manufacturing equipment does not manufacture hot dog manufacturing devices (can you manufacture something that manufactures – maybe I should use the word ‘make’ instead). If they do, who knows what would end up in our hot dogs, although who really knows what ends up in them now?

This is really a great idea when you think about it - combining a pain reliever and shards of metal. Taking it for the acetaminophen helps the pain go away and taking it for the metal shards leads to pain somewhere else, which provides a diversion until the acetaminophen kicks in. Oh the many days I have writhed in agony with a migraine or some other horrible pain waiting for my aspirin to kick in. I could have just taken the recalled painkillers and focused on searing stomach pain and internal bleeding during that time instead.

I hear that the manufacturer may stop the recall and re-brand the product for distribution. They are currently leading towards the names Cut-enol, Sharp-enol or Metalcillin. It reminds me of the SNL episode where Dan Akroyd tried to market Bag-O-Nails for a Christmas present but was strongly criticized for it by Candace Bergen. Boy, those were the days. It also reminds me of the times when you could play lawn darts with what was essentially a small hand propelled metal missile. Ah, I remember the hours that my brother and I would stand in the backyard dodging the lawn darts we would throw at one another…

Now I’m no doctor, heck I haven’t even played one on TV, but in my view, taking this product might also help with other health issues. Surely, pieces of metal flowing through the bloodstream would help break down arterial clots, provided of course it didn’t tear the artery or vein to pieces first. If the metal ends up in the stomach, it becomes the perfect dietary supplement. Would you feel like eating with lots of little cuts in your belly? Would you even be able to? Would lots of stomach cuts equate to an ulcer? I’d better stop asking questions or I’ll ruin my argument. Rest assured though, if you’ve never felt a ‘sharp pain’ before, you will after taking this stuff.

So many of life’s greatest inventions have been the direct or indirect result of an accident. A few of them have been in the medical field like penicillin or the X-Ray (which, incidentally for your Cliff Claven useless trivia of the day, celebrated its anniversary yesterday). It looks like metal-based pain killers might be added to that list soon. As great a development as acetaminophen fortified with pieces of metal might be, one thing is for sure. Older men everywhere are hoping this same pharmaceutical company doesn’t produce E.D. pills. OUCH! I can sense men everywhere collectively crossing their legs and cringing at the thought of it…