Monday, November 27, 2006

Hello CIA, I’m Responding To Your Ad

I joked last week about wanting to do a story based on a radio commercial I heard about the fact that the CIA is hiring, but I was too afraid of Big Brother. Well, after reading this AP story about the CIA on Yahoo, I’m ready to. The story is about how the CIA is looking for new employees, which I guess they call recruits. The story says that they have shown ads during baseball games, taken out ad space in various magazines and airport billboards as well as during movie trailers. It even says the CIA has hired an ad agency. I bet the ad company’s creative folks are having a blast pitching ideas to CIA employees. I can hear it now, “ok guys, if you don’t think this tagline is good, you’re not going to shoot or torture me, right? Guys, smile, that was just a joke, really.”

Now I’m glad to know that I wasn’t the only one noticing how weird it is that our government’s intelligence agency is publicly seeking employees. Apparently one of the things the CIA wants to do is wipe away the notion that all CIA work is like the very fictional world of James Bond. I’m sure my stereotypical driveling in the next few paragraphs is the exact type of thinking they want to discourage, but I just can’t help it.

What a relief though to know that if the CIA were to hire me I wouldn’t have to go out and buy enough tuxedos for every day of the week. It would be a little sad in a way to be hired by the CIA and have all of those myths associated with covert work demystified so quickly. I could see myself sitting in my new cubicle saying to no one in particular, “so this is it, really? Can my ballpoint pen kill anybody? When do I get to meet Q? Did I miss the lady with the caviar cart or does she come by after lunch?” At that point I’m sure I’d be executed…I mean fired. Oops.

Although I know nothing about the workings of our country’s intelligence agency (I swear), I would imagine that working in a cubicle there beats working in a cubicle for anyone else. My guess is that the two most interesting departments would be HR and the requisitioning department. My mind can only imagine what items would be requisitioned at the CIA. Of course, in reality it’s probably the same type of stuff at any company like pencils, pens, computers, paper, copier toner and explosive tie clips. Wouldn’t it be great to hear a line like, “did you get that order of magnetic, homing device, self destructing wrist watches filled yet,” just once while at work.

HR might be the easiest department since every personnel file would be marked ‘classified.’ Imagine having to review someone’s file to determine whether administrative leave is necessary after he or she destroyed an entire riverfront Bistro in pursuit of a wanted dangerous international smuggler. More than likely, the day-to-day monotony of a CIA HR person would be filled with healthcare enrollment options, retirement packages and sexual harassment claims filed by older cold war relic spies who keep hitting on their new, young secretaries by calling them Ms. Moneypenny and asking if they’d like to see his Aston Martin (if you catch my drift).

Man, I bet the training films are great to watch. Do you think they save money and just show Bond films or do you think they actually make the training films themselves? Do the training films talk about how important it is to forget what you overheard during lunch or to only look down at the floor or up to the ceiling when walking down the hall? Does it cover the importance of leaving your disguises in the office and not forwarding government email to your best friend from high school just because it says ‘for your eyes only’ or ‘this message must be destroyed after receipt?’ My mind tingles at the possibilities.

Do you think the CIA plays other government entities in a governmental softball or bowling league? I bet that all the CIA players show up in Ray-Ban sunglasses and fake beards. I wonder if the other teams just throw the games because they are afraid of what would happen if they beat the CIA. No matter what the answers to all of these questions are, I think it would be great to join the CIA. Do you think our nation’s security could be better achieved with the help of someone who willingly and proudly writes daily about nothing worthwhile? Or perhaps my blog is just a decoy…Bwahahahaha…


**Author’s Disclaimer: Of course, I do not work for the CIA. Although if I did, I could not tell you. No, seriously, I’m just your everyday Monday through Friday cubicle dweller who writes a blog. I have no knowledge of espionage or intelligence gathering. I am not even pretending to, as that is probably a crime. Although if I did have knowledge about it, telling you would definitely be a crime. But I’m not, so there…

11 comments:

Odat said...

Oh boy! Just wait for the googling of "U.S. Security" "spying" "espionage"
"lethal ballpoint pens" "self destructing wrist watches" "Miss Moneypenny!!!" Boy are you in trouble!!! If I were you I'd think about getting a new idendity.
Peace (maybe).

PS To all who view this comment, I'm just passing thru, I don't know this person. Just exercising my free speech here...... :-)

Michael C said...

Great, now I'm worried...no wonder why I haven't had any comments yet...Odat who??

Awesome Mom said...

I am willing to bet that it is like any other boring government job unless you get to spy undercover. My husband has a top secret military clearance and it is so not as cool as it sounds. The forms were insane to fill out though.

thethinker said...

By saying that you do not work for the CIA, are you trying to use reverse psychology on us? If so, it's not working. I'm on to you.

abbagirl74 said...

I have a feeling that working for them would suck. Just a feeling and it was just an opinion. Don't take me out next week.

Michael C said...

Awesome Mom: Yeah, I bet the forms were worse than the forms at tax time!

Thinker: oops, I didn't mean to be so transparent!

Abbagirl74: I no longer have an official clearance for that...oh man, did I just write that publicly? ;-)

ian said...

Stay right where you are. You have been identified as a potential threat to National Security. Our troops are already rappelling down the outside of your house. Don't turn around too quickly - the one with the lazy eye has a twitchy trigger finger.

Now, back away from the keyboard...slowly.

Ian

mist1 said...

I have been in the Cocaine Import Agency for years. It's not as glamourous as you think it is.

mist1 said...

Although, it does keep you slim.

Violet said...

Of course, Bond was English and that's the real reason he wore tuxes everywhere.

Once upon a time I worked for a bank in an area which had a "secret" software weapon. So when the software company invited us to their Christmas do we were the only guests who refused to wear name & firm tags. Which led many people to wondering whether we were in the SIS (NZ's secret service). Almost exciting.

ShadowFalcon said...

If you did become a spy you could tell us about the cool gadget at the least :-)