Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Scientists Prove Artificial Christmas Trees Help Promote Weight Loss

A revolutionary and landmark study was completed over the past holiday weekend and its results were announced yesterday. The San Bernardino, California based I Can’t Believe We Get Funding For This, Inc. (ICBWGFFT) research think tank has proven a link exists between holiday decorating and extreme calorie burning. It’s kind of the reverse of trimming the tree.

The research was conducted with fourteen men participating. All fourteen men ate until they became dizzy Thanksgiving Day and throughout the remainder of the holiday weekend. Seven of the men were then instructed to spend the weekend doing their normal routines while the second group of seven was asked to assemble a seven foot artificial Christmas tree complete with lights and decorations and then to string lights on their homes. The group of decorators lost thirteen pounds between Friday and Monday morning while the first group who did not decorate gained twenty. Incidentally, the group of weight gainers is now suing ICBWGFFT.

“Obviously there’s a significant link between holiday decorating and weight loss based on our highly controlled studies,” said ICBWGFFT’s lead scientist. “Everyone assumes that artificial trees are easier to deal with at Christmas time, but that is just a myth. With a real tree you just drive home from the lot or tree farm, put it up in your living room and decorate it, but with an artificial one you are responsible for lugging it around, erecting it and fluffing up all branches and tree tips before you can do anything else like adding lights or decorations,” she added.

The scientists believe that the constant motion necessary to assemble a decent looking artificial tree is equal to jogging or swimming for three consecutive hours. They observed their subjects’ non-stop activity as they made lap after lap after lap around their trees trying to make sure that each branch and tip on every single limb was positioned perfectly. The scientists also noted that the more compulsive the individual, the more time they spent arranging and rearranging the trees’ branches.

“These men would step away from the tree to look at their work, see a bare spot, and begin moving the branches again as if they just couldn’t stop working on their tree,” a scientist noted. “It’s like they were hummingbirds and had to maintain perpetual motion. To be honest with you, we’ve had a lot of fun reviewing our study subjects’ tapes and will probably submit a few to America’s Funniest Home Videos when we’re done.”

ICBWGFFT said that the more lights and decorations placed on the tree, the greater the weight loss would be. They also were able to counter the notion that stress can lead to weight gain. The holidays and decorating for them are some of the most stressful times of the year, but despite the stress the decorating men endured over the weekend, all seven subjects posted significant weight loss. Unfortunately, five of the seven subjects consumed an average of three cups of eggnog per day after the testing period and gained their weight back. Those subjects are also now suing ICBWGFFT.

Officials at ICBWGFFT celebrated their groundbreaking discovery by announcing this morning
that they have teamed up with an artificial garland manufacturing plant in Ohio to begin selling artificial Christmas trees with 5,000 tips and the most branches possible on any commercially available tree. They hope to have the tree, named The Thinning Tannenbaum, in major retail outlets, home improvement mega stores, vitamin supplement shops, Weight Watchers and Jenny Craig by the second week of December.


Barb said...

I'm still fat lol :)

Odat said...

ICBYW500WAT! (I can't believe you wrote 500 words about that)!

P.S. I'll take two. Have to work off that turkey and stuff.

Odat said...

P.S.S and by that I meant it's all good michael, a great, fantastic, wonderful post!!!!!!!
I love charlie brown too!


Michael C said...

Barb: Are you saying it didn't work? Dang scientists...

Odat: It was the hardest 500 I've ever attempted ;-)

Odat again: Aww shucks, thanks. Peace!!!!!!

Lizza said...

Haha! Funny post as usual. It's a great idea, except for the threat of lawsuits.

ShadowFalcon said...

Ok so all I need is a fake tree, some charlie brown and vitamins...

Michael C said...

lizza: yeah, lawsuits can be such a bummer - but a great deterrent!

Shadow: that sounds about right -- no suing though, ok?

thepinkangel said...

so much for the beer guts. Too bad we can't get men to obsess about things besides the darn Christmas tree branches. Hilarious post...really got me laughing on this one.

Michael C said...

PinkAngel: Glad you enjoyed it. I can't speak about getting men to obsess over other things ;-)

fringes said...

Great post and, hmmm, very interesting. I may have to try this at home this weekend, thanks for the tip.

Thanks for visiting my blog today. Go NaBloPoMo'ers!

Michael C said...

fringes: thanks and thanks for stopping by!