It’s A Dang Good Thing There Was An Election Yesterday

No, this won’t be a political post, and it certainly won’t be worthwhile. Some major, major news stories broke yesterday that we would have had to read or hear way too much about had there not been an election yesterday. The election served as a ‘firewall’ to spare us from the other ‘big’ news of the day yesterday, to use the same parlance that all the election pundits keep using last night.

What were the big news stories you ask? Well, let’s just say that had they occurred any other day, it would be the news equivalent of having a stock market crash and a Presidential resignation on the same day. First, Faith Hill reacts in a supposed ‘unprofessional’ way when learning she did not win a CMA Award Monday night and then we learn that Britney Spears is divorcing K-Mart or K-Y or Fed Ex, sorry his name escapes me at the moment.

As they do with all awards shows, each nominee had a camera on her when it came time to read the winner for the Country Music Association’s Female Vocalist of the Year. By the way, in case you aren’t familiar with them, the CMAs are the Nobel prizes of country music, or at least the blue ribbon awards. When former American Idol Carrie Underwood’s name was called, Faith Hill clearly said “what” while throwing her hands up. Unfortunately, it was caught and aired nationally. As the entertainment press and country music morning DJ’s pondered it yesterday, there was an apology by Faith saying it was a joke. Of course had it not been Election Day, we’d probably still be talking about it. Now granted, I’m still writing about it, but I always write a day behind. If it was a joke, it kind of bombed. How could you not expect that to look bad when you ‘joke’ about being a bad loser? I equate it to making a death joke about the deceased while talking to their loved ones at their funeral. It if was her publicist’s idea, Mr. Or Mrs. Faith Hill Publicist is probably hiding under his or her desk today.

One can only imagine how that phone call went (in honor of Bob Newhart, I present my best Bob Newhart phone sketch impression of the conversation between Faith and her publicist).

“Ok Faith, CD sales have been lagging a little lately…Well no, it really wasn’t that great…No I guess I did forget to tell you that, sorry…Here’s what we need you to do…We’ve test marketed this and we think it’ll be huge…With who? A couple of retirees in Branson, Missouri…Yes, they really liked the idea…Forget the gracious damsel bit, it’s time to get gritty…Um, no, you won’t get an Oscar for it…Well, reality TV is through the roof and fans want to see the real deal…No, I didn’t see America’s Next Top Model last night…What we need you to do is act mad, throw a fit and look disappointed…Yes, I said throw a fit…Yes, I promise it’ll get you some press…Yes, of course I’ll send a statement saying it was a joke…Yeah, I think we can get you on Oprah to explain…No Faith, I don’t think you should jump on her couch during the taping…”

Maybe it’s time to stop putting the camera on the nominees prior to the opening of the envelope and the announcement of the winner. Having to maintain such a ridiculously fake smile for that one moment alone (and more if you’re a multiple nominee) probably leads to the need for plastic surgery more than anything else. Better yet, maybe we can do away with televised awards shows altogether and put the air time towards something better, like three straight hours of lawyers doing stand up or something. Now that’s entertainment!

The other big news item that was overshadowed by the election was Britney’s divorce filing. Wow, sure didn’t see that coming. They just had a baby and she was on Letterman Monday night and seemed so happy. Now we’ll just have to put them on the divorce side of history’s celebrity marriage ledger along with Burt and Lonnie; Billy Joel and Christie Brinkley; Lisa Marie Presley and Michael Jackson and Sinatra and Ava Gardner. At least Sinatra’s tumultuous marriage and divorce resulted in some of the greatest torch/saloon songs ever. I just can’t imagine Britney or Kevin Federline crooning “In the Wee Small Hours of the Morning” or “One For My Baby” though.

Why can’t celebrity marriages last like Danny DeVito’s and Rhea Pearlman’s or Bill Cosby’s and Phyllicia Rashaad’s? Oh, Bill and Phyllicia weren’t married? Are you sure? She played his wife on two different shows. I thought you had to be married to do that! Next, you’ll tell me that Ozzie and Harriet Nelson weren’t married!

We must all be getting older when in this one year alone, we’ve outlived both Jessica Simpson’s and Britney’s marriages. At least we can take solace in that.