No Thanks Man, I’ll Just Wait My Turn In Line

Lines at amusement parks are certainly no fun. After all, who goes and pays upwards of $40 per person to spend the day in line for your favorite thrill ride? A few years back Disneyland installed the Fast Pass system where you could pick up a ticket that would allow you to come back at a certain time and go to the front of the ride queue. Well, according to the Associate Press, Six Flags Great America in Illinois is now offering visitors a way to move up in line. Their way is a heck of a lot cheaper than installing Fast Pass ticket spitting kiosks near its most popular rides.

The line-jumping program is in effect through October during Six Flags’ annual Fright Fest. The AP says that there is no limit on how many times park guests can move to the front of the line and the pass will be good for up to four people. Oh yeah, did I admit that you have to eat a 3-inch Madagascar Hissing Cockroach to receive the special line privilege? I didn’t, oh sorry. I hate when I overlook little details like that. I’ll recap: one person eats a cockroach and all four people in your party get to move to the front of the line, any time.

I wonder how many different bugs, slugs and other living things the Six Flags marketing staff considered before going with the Madagascar Hissing Cockroach? They probably didn’t consider snails since they are already a delicacy throughout the world. Bees and wasps sting and people are allergic to that, slugs bubble too easily when salt is applied and worms cost too much because fisherman who want to use them keep driving the prices up by purchasing them at bait shops rather than digging for them. Raw fish would just be considered sushi and there’s nothing daring about that, beetles fly too well and caterpillars are too juicy. Besides when it can be advertised that something is from Madagascar and hisses, it drives the exotic factor up so high that the marketing folks really have no other choice.

It’s really a spectacular deal. You don’t have to pay any more for this privilege and you don’t have to show up at your favorite ride at a specific time. Of course you have to sign a waiver that I imagine indemnifies Six Flags from being responsible for things like your stomach falling apart, horrible mental trauma from reliving what you ate, intestinal problems that could plague you for the rest of your life and I presume your death. But really, what’s the harm in losing any financial or medical assistance from Six Flags forever when they are allowing you to move to the front of any ride’s line that you wish? After all, no one forced you to eat the cockroach.