It’s The First Day Of Fall, So They Tell Me

Fall begins today according to the radio, the paper and even the calendar. I have chosen to believe them all despite the appearance of any physical evidence to support the claim. I don’t know what Fall (or Autumn, apparently they are synonymous) is like in your corner of the world, but here in Southern California it’s not much different than the middle of summer.

It’s still hot, it’s still smoggy, it’s still dark out past 7PM, trees are still green and my air conditioner hasn’t stopped running. I have always imagined that Fall is like the Charles Wysocki painting above. I’ve actually heard that in parts of country, the colors are similar. Apparently our local merchants have also chosen to believe that Fall is a reality. Autumn and Halloween decorations are in the stores and empty lots I’ve recently driven by have bales of hay stacked up indicating that they are preparing to sell pumpkins (which are no doubt imported from cooler climates).

As a lifelong Southern Californian I really miss getting to experience everything I have been told about Fall. The things I miss are hayrides, apple cider and of course the beautiful Fall foliage. I have decided to do something about it once and for all so that my children and my neighbors can experience the bliss of Autumn.

I have developed a product called InstaFall (which could also be the name for a highly alcoholic beverage). InstaFall is a modified spray paint can that releases alternating amounts of yellow, orange and brown paint. It was cheaper to just load the can with a yellow, orange and brown mix rather than have them alternate, but the product didn’t test well. The test group indicated that the mixed version should have been called InstaPuke, so I spent a little more money on the final product.

Through the magic of InstaFall’s never-to-be patented technology, anything you can aim at can become as beautiful as a Fall day in New England. The paint formula has been treated so the colors won’t run indoors or out and are guaranteed to last for at least 3 months. Trees, bushes, the front lawn, piles of raked leaves and even that old ’68 VW bug on the side of the house can be autumnized. Imagine the Fall beauty you can create.

So there you have it, a way to enjoy Fall throughout the United States and the world. It no longer has to be just a day on the calendar. Fall can now be a time to appreciate the beauty of the changing seasons for everyone. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to start work on InstaSnow and InstaWinter…