Thursday, September 07, 2006

California Has High Hopes For New Speeding Deterrent

The news of a speeding citation recently issued in Canada has California Transportation officials moving quickly to implement a new speeding deterrent for the Golden State’s highways and byways. The citation was issued to a Swiss man who was going about 100 mph in Ontario. According to Reuters, when the man was pulled over he told the officer that he was going fast because he knew he didn’t have to worry about hitting a goat. Apparently, goats are a concern on Swiss roads, or the man has severe issues in the noggin and shouldn’t be driving in the first place.

Whatever the driver's reason, it didn’t take long for Caltrans officials in California to recognize the advantage of having packs of goats (assuming that’s what they are called) roaming our roads. A plan is being put in motion to round up goats from every farm and pasture that can be found. Local goat herders will be paid a deposit by Caltrans, which they will get back upon returning the goats safely to their owners. Caltrans will not get their money back for “goat bumps” (goats injured or killed by speeding motorists). The “goat bumps” will be sold at a reduced priced to local roadside BBQ joints.

“Over the last several years, we haven’t experienced the success we anticipated with speed reducing projects like speed bumps, rumble strips, cameras and radar,” said a Caltrans official. “Goats are relatively inexpensive, plentiful and can be moved easily depending upon speed reduction needs, he added.

Within the next few months goats will be strategically placed on local roads where there are known to be speeding problems. Once the goats have been successful in reducing speeds in the initial areas of focus, they will be re-deployed to the next group of locations where Caltrans is concerned about reducing speed. The goats will be relieved of duty for time off at regular weekly intervals. During the time off, the goats will be allowed to graze in local fields. It is hoped that operation “Grazin’ In The Grass Is A Gas, Baby Can You Feel It” will not only keep the goats relaxed and refreshed but will help maintain the landscaping of nearby roadside grasses and vegetation.

Caltrans is very excited about their new approach to speed reduction. “If having to dodge goats in the middle of the road doesn’t stop someone from speeding, then totaling your car into a live goat will surely make you think twice next time you want to put the pedal to the metal,” a Caltrans official said.

I guess in the final analysis, dotting our roads with wild goats will help keep motorists from sewing their wild oats.

9 comments:

Meloncutter said...

I thought we had this program already in place here in the US. Only we use homeless people instead of goats. Or did I just hear something wrong again?

Later Yall.

Odat said...

Here's looking at you "kid"!
LMAOOOO

ShadowFalcon said...

I read this and just knew you'd be posting about it.

I'm sure it will work, its just thats is so tiresome cleaning blood off your car...

the Laughorist said...

Can we think bigger, folks? Let's build on Michael's very practical suggestion (witty and brilliant posting). Mate these goats with Suri (to give them lips) and cross-pollinate them with those egg-laying transgendered fish so that lip-endowed Katie Couric goats can provide on-the-spot traffic reports of traffic goats with tits (sure to sloww down traffic even more).

mist1 said...

Goats do not travel in packs. The correct term is "gaggle."

As in: That really gets my gaggle of goats.

INAMINI said...

I think it migh be more effective (and more humane) to use Republicans? Oops, people might aim and accelerate, therefore defeating the purpose.

PARLANCHEQ said...

Ha! Glad you posted about this. A friend from your great state of CA had emailed me the news report. She's known to do 80+ on the freeway, when there are no goats around, that is. She’ll be crushed to hear of the Caltrans plan. ;)

Michael C said...

Parlancheq, this can't come soon enough. I was taking my regular walk yesterday and came within literally 2 feet of becoming an SUV's hood ornament. The lady finally saw me after she flew through the crosswalk. She was on a cellphone, too. I was thinking how ironic it would have been that my last post would have been about speeding. Isn't life funny. WHERE'S A GOAT WHEN YOU NEED IT!!!!!

heartinsanfrancisco said...

SUV drivers with cell phones clamped to their heads are one of my pet peeves. In New York it's illegal to use them while driving unless one has a head set. I can't imagine why California is so far behind. It almost makes me believe that this really IS la-la land. Gee, you think?

You'll probably get a citation from the ASPCG tomorrow.