The Biggest BBQ That Never Was

I saw a news story that contained the words “world record” and “BBQ” and had to read about it. They tried and they tried and they grilled and they stoked, but the country of Namibia failed in making the record book for the biggest BBQ ever. At least 44,007 Namibians crowded into a local sports stadium to feast on a 5-mile long sausage (I can just imagine the comments that’ll be posted after that statement) to break the world record of 44,159 people that attended a BBQ in Australia. I thought that was a lot of people until I was at Red Lobster the other night for the All You Can Eat Shrimp Fest (and they wonder why America has an obesity problem, but alas, that’s a “tail” for another day).

The organizers of the event had to stop counting for safety reasons when they were only 152 people short of breaking the record. The crowd was being counted as it left the stadium and as the amount of people pushing toward the gates increased, the organizers feared a stampede and halted the count and their chance at the world record. It’s very noble that they would put the safety of their citizens first. Although I hate to admit it, I’m not so sure I would have been able to issue the orders that would ensure I was kept out of any world record pertaining to BBQ. Come to think of it, most hard-core BBQ pit masters would probably say the same thing. If it happened in America, I can envision what those last few moments would be like now (insert Brady Bunch like dream sequence special effects here).

“Come on, come on, keep it going, we’re just a few folks short. I don’t care about the fences or what the fire marshal has to say, Midnight Smokers BBQ is gonna be in the Guinness Book of World Records…uh-oh, I gotta go!!”

Perhaps as equally as important as the moral dilemma of risking life and limb for BBQ immortality is the fact that another country thought of this attempt, technically 2 if you count the current world record holder Australia. I absolutely cannot believe that the record was not attempted in the States, especially in Texas or the Carolinas (although I suppose it could have been since I’m far too lazy to actually check, but for the sake of this “story,” we’ll assume it hasn’t).

As a true Barbequer and smoker (meats, not cigarettes), I’m a little embarrassed someone thought of all of this before we did. Granted if either of those fine BBQ regions had attempted it, it would not have been a lame ole sausage that was used. It would have been beef (cue Sam Elliot with his “It’s what’s for dinner” orchestral background) or pork (cue the “Other white meat” ads). I’m not sure a continuous 5-mile long chunk of either meat exists, but then did we really think the 5-mile long sausage was natural (again, here come the comments). If there was a true 5-mile long mass of meat out there, it’s definitely going to have some (as in 3-4 miles) of by-product in it.

Maybe it’s a blessing in disguise that the good folks down in Namibia have a conscience and that it stopped them from being able to break the record. Now we carnivorous Americans can use the harrowingly close call as a wake up and get out there and set the world record. It’ll be easy; we can grill up plenty of meat and just grab all of the people waiting in line for Endless Pasta Bowls down at The Olive Garden.