Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Do My Eyes Look Like Marbles? The Continuing Adventures Of Binoculo.

What follows is not for the weak stomached or faint of heart. According to the AP, Claudio Paulo Pinto of Brazil has his eye on a world record. You’re asking what the big deal about that is, well I’ll tell you. He can pop his eyes out of their sockets .3 inches and is working on breaking the current record of .43 inches currently held by a woman right here in the United States (with all respect to Lee Greenwood, it’s another reason I’m proud to be an American). That’s popping them out far enough to make the eyes of Sesame Street characters like Elmo, Cookie Monster and Kermit look like mere goose bumps!

The AP says that this world record hopeful was recently laid off from his job working in a haunted house (there’s a shocking surprise). I can’t imagine how one goes about popping the eyes out of their sockets. I know it happens frequently to animated characters, but it’s news to me that real flesh and blood people can do it. Apparently, it’s called “globe luxation,” although that sounds to me like something more relaxing than a violent ocular protrusion (for lack of a better definition).

My mind boggles at how Mr. Pinto discovered he had this “gift.” Was he blowing his nose? Did he get hit in the back of the head and then his optical orbs popped out? During a dream, did a voice come to him telling him to try to pop his eyes out? Was it a dare? My guess is that someone said something that really, really surprised him and his body’s natural reaction to it was his eyes protruding out of their sockets.

I’ll admit that as I’m writing this I’m trying to bear down as hard as I can to get my eyes to pop out, but no dice. I guess having that special ability makes Mr. Pinto almost superhuman. He actually has a super power. He can zoom in on an object the way a digital camera’s lens can extend to zoom in on something. But what would be an appropriate name for a man with such powers? I’ve got it, Binoculo, the human pair of binoculars.

Binoculo roams high rises at night zooming in on darkened alleyways looking for the city’s evil doers in his never-ending attempt to prevent crime. When the city is in distress Binoculo looks towards the skies and sees a spotlight beckoning him to come to the rescue. Of course all Binoculo can do is see at longer distances, so he still has to call the police and by the time he calls them, reports the crime and the officers show up, the perpetrator has gotten away. Without Binoculo though, no one would know what the suspect looks like. What an asset Binoculo is.

Who would have thought that such a seemingly disgusting bodily action could be so positive? Although if he’s successful at setting the world record, won’t it ruin Binoculo’s secret identity? Something tells me it’ll be pretty easy to spot a guy who can pop his eyes out on command.

7 comments:

Odat said...

ROFLMAO...OMG...This is so funny!! Thanks for my morning laugh! Binoculo!!! ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ah
(But seriously tho, I have a pug dog,and they too are prone to become future Binoculos because of the bulging eyes!)
Peace

ShadowFalcon said...

Ok this actually scares me, I mean what if you eyes pop out and you lose them?

mist1 said...

Dad told me that the reason that you have to close your eyes when you sneeze is that your brain knows that what's about to fly out of your nose is really disgusting.

I think he may have been mistaken. Clearly, this is what happens if you keep your eyes open during a sneeze.

Meloncutter said...

You have a point about how people discover their hidden talents. I am just glad there is only one thing that ever popped out on me in my life, and hernias can be fixed.

Well ..... um there is one other little thing that pops out from time to time, but decorum and keeping your comments section PG rated keeps me from discussing that little feller.

Great Post.

Later Yall.

Lizza said...

Good lord, what a funny post! And yes, Binoculo's superpower would seem to be pretty useless...unless someone hires to pay him to describe women undressing in their bedrooms.

PARLANCHEQ said...

Freaky! I won't even try to challenge him for the record for fear that I'd pop them out and not be able to get them back in place.

Michael C said...

Odat: You are welcome. You could get your pug some cool pirate patches.

Shadow: Don't be afraid. Remember that if it happens there is always a career in haunting.

Mist: I agree, I will now squint even harder when a sneeze is coming on. Maybe I'll even start covering my nose for good measure ;-)

Melon: sorry about the hernia and we'll the leave the other poppage to the imagination

Lizza: Something tells me that someone out there would gladly pay binoculo for his peeping talent!

Parlancheq: I'm with you. That's one record that can be broken with me nowhere near it!!