It’s Official, The Holidays Are Upon Us

I don’t want to worry you or cause concern, but in case you hadn’t noticed, the holidays are here. What holidays you ask? I mean the big triumvirate of Halloween, Turkey Day and Christmas. Autumn started Saturday so I knew things would be getting into gear soon.

My first little 16 ounces of a hint was while I was at the grocery store on Monday. Pumpkin Spice creamer sat there beaming among all the other “non-special” coffee creamers. It seems like holidays are being crammed (or in this case, creamed) down our throats earlier every year. I took it in stride however and bought three bottles of the stuff just to play along.

Then today, on a visit to a major shopping store that I will refer to only as “Target” to protect its identity, I stumbled across their holiday layout. It wasn’t like they had just devoted two aisles to Halloween and Christmas, they had huge signs made up and the entire back of the store was holiday ready with everything plugged in and blinking away. No wonder we have rolling blackouts. It’s the same thing every year: rows and rows of costumes, plastic and rubber light up pumpkins, very commercialized Christmas tree ornaments and all types of lit yard decor. Really folks, it’s not even October yet! How early do we truly need to see the latest version of ornaments, stockings and other trinkets based on timeless classics like Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer, Scooby Doo, Sponge Bob and The Simpsons?

This ain’t your grandmother’s holiday anymore. If you don’t believe me, walk into a grocery store the week before Halloween and try to buy a carton of eggnog. You’ll actually be able to, but its shelf life won’t last until Christmas. Then you'll be forced to drink it in hiding to avoid being made fun of as the freak that drinks eggnog for Halloween.

I don’t know what things are like in your neck of the woods, but every open lot here in my fine city has been stocked with hay bales, fences and outdoor lighting. Come October 1, these lots will be transformed into glorious suburban pumpkin patches, complete with inflatable replicas of The Titanic and the space shuttle. Perhaps on Halloween night one of them will be judged the most sincere pumpkin patch and will earn a visit from the Great Pumpkin.

It’s too bad these holiday lots that sit empty most of the year don’t sell live or frozen turkeys. Most of the lots close down in November before opening back up a month later to sell Christmas trees (although they still have the inflatable Titanics for some odd reason). If they could sell turkeys for Thanksgiving, these lots could stay open for three straight months. I don’t know what type of permit you need to sell live turkeys in a fenced off public lot, but I’m sure obtaining one is a mere formality. They could sell frozen turkeys, but there’s no fun in that. It would be like walking into the most expensive seafood restaurant in town and all they have in the lobster tank out front are lobster tails instead of the whole lobster.

So, bowing to the pressures of retailers everywhere, I’d like to take today September 27th to wish you and yours a Happy Halloween, Happy Thanksgiving, Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. Wow, where has 2006 gone?