Friday, September 14, 2007

I Don’t Think This Is What They Intended

Things changed forever at work on Tuesday. Perhaps I am making that too dramatic, but things did change. After months of speculation and promises, it finally happened. My coworkers and I officially got our company leashes. Yep, we now have company issued cell phones. And these aren’t your run of the mill Moto Razors, these are the nice NEXTEL phones (did my sarcasm come through there?).

Yeah, you know the ones I’m talking about. If not, let’s put it this way, we are calling these new phones ‘the brick.’ It’s funny because I thought technology had made huge strides to make things smaller and then we get the bricks. However, there is one feature of the brick that made us all forget about complain less about them. It’s NEXTEL’s direct connect press to talk feature. Basically, we are all carrying around company walkie talkies now. Needless to say, it took us all collectively about 1.5 minutes to realize the full potential of this feature and in no time we had all traded numbers and it sounded like a trucker’s convoy in the office. It’s really made everyone’s day just a little brighter getting to say things like ‘over,’ ‘out,’ ‘do you copy,’ ‘what’s your 20’ and the mother of all great CB sayings ‘10-4.’ I added a ‘breaker, breaker’ and ended certain words with ‘ner,’ as in ‘niner,’ but it really didn’t catch on. I’m working on Roscoe’s laugh from The Dukes of Hazzard, but people are saying I’m spending too much time on this stuff.

I know having these phones has made me more efficient at work. I announced (via NEXTEL of course) that I would no longer be walking down to anyone’s office and that I would communicate with them by NEXTEL only. At first everyone laughed at me, which is not unusual in the office. Those laughs stopped and turned to words of praise though when they realized just how easy this new way of communicating in the office really is. I’m still working on assigning everyone call names…or handles, to use the real CB parlance (did it sound authentic there? That’s what I was going for). I have requested either Bandit or Snowman. Hopefully I don’t have to tell you why. I proposed that we give our boss the handle of Smokey. No one jumped on the idea.

I can tell that this new technology is going to make me lazy. I have already thought about getting one for personal use and also giving one each to Lucy and Ethel. That way when I need something, they are a button away. Really, who likes yelling upstairs to inform their children that it’s dinner time? When they are out playing in the backyard and I need them to come into the house, it’s such an inconvenience to have to get up during my favorite show, walk the few feet to the sliding glass door and tell them something. Sure I’ve got TiVO and I could pause said favorite show, but think of the wear and tear on my ‘remote control’ finger.

Yes having a cell phone is a convenience, but in these busy times, who really has the time to wait for the dialing and ringing stuff that is so much a part of the modern telephone process. I know I don’t. You may not have picked up on this, but I’m a busy guy. I have to go to work, think of good pranks while there and try to actually avoid doing any work (which we all know is harder than the work itself), drive home, stop at the grocery store to look at the lobster tails (it’s my window shopping), get the charcoal lit on the BBQ, dunk my arm in water after nearly exploding it off while spraying lighter fluid directly onto the roaring flames of the very same BBQ, grill meat while playing with the dog, play with and pass my wisdom off to Lucy and Ethel and of course, blog. Having to walk down office halls, walk upstairs to the twins’ room or dial a number and wait for it to ring really just slows me down. Yes, this new NEXTEL is sure going to make my life easier. And I didn't even have to pay for it!

Oh, did I mention it has GPS technology? We all think that our management is going to start keeping tabs on us. Not to worry, I’ve wrapped my phone with an entire box of Tin Foil to repel the satellite beams. Sure it’s heavier, noisy and reflects light with the brightness of the sun, but I get to walk around without anyone knowing my coordinates. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to get on the NEXTEL and ask the guy I share a cubicle wall with what time it is…

25 comments:

Abigail S said...

I think GPS on a cell phone is great! Although, I wouldnt be having a boss or anyone tracking my every move.

Michael C said...

Abigail: If I'm lost on top of a mountain and can still get cell coverage, then yes, I would be happy I have the GPS ;-)

Patti said...

Stopping after work to gaze at lobster tails at the grocery store is priceless. But if it helps you unwind after work, who am I to pass judgment? ;-)

Wondering if anyone in the office is named Roger. That would add to the fun.

"Roger, Roger."

Amy said...

Congrats on embarking into the wonderful work that is NEXTEL. I have a company NEXTEL also because I am on call 24 hours for my job. Nothing is more fun then two-waying your coworkers with that annoying chirping noise at 3am. They LOVE IT! As for the GPS, we do use it to keep 'tabs' on our technicians that are out in the field during the day, but you can go into a menu option and put your phone on restricted so no ones can track you, that's what I do when I'm trying to take an extenedd lunch (nap) and hide from my boss. I'm sure that will be much more efficient for you rather than using tin foil lol. ;)

Michael C said...

Patti: Unfortunately, no roger...

Amy: I'm on call 24/7 too! I hate it. Thanks for the disabling tip. Now, what to do with all that tin foil?
;-)

~*SilverNeurotic*~ said...

I hate those nextels with a passion.

meleah rebeccah said...

I have to ask WHY? Bandit or Snowman?

(maybe you can or will answer that in the next Q&A?)

I have faith that you will master the sound of Roscoe’s laugh from The Dukes of Hazzard in no time at all.

AndreAnna said...

Everytime I see someone chirping on their nextel phone, I want to follow them home and pee in their bed. It is so annoying!

ruby said...

You might be semi-joking about phoning your kids to say dinner's ready or whatever...but my uncle's family does just that. They phone each other from the living room to the dining room...which are five steps away.

Open Grove Claudia said...

Um - "this new technology is going to make me lazy".

Um.

Really.

Lazier than you already report to be?? Is that possible??

FRIGGA said...

Wow, to think about all the time I've wasted listening to phones ring...

Oh, I may need some advise from you. I have about 1 month until I'm left in my wing of the building alone for a week ;-) And none of my co-workers suspect me to be the prank playing type, however the others in the office are - so I can totally get away with it - any ideas?

Heart Of Darkness said...

Last time I worked where I work now, I got the ulcer and the splendid idea of a two-board solution: on the front board, you have your laptop. Your phone is in the pocket, attached to your ears by a headset. The back board contains a printer. If you feel like taking a leak on company time, you're doing it while carrying on a price negotiation - just watch out, that thing you intend to use as TP just might be a very valuble technical drawing... just because they were running us to the ground 14-18 hours a day...

...knowing that, you'd think I'd think twice, or at least not get excited when they called and wanted me back... (not for my brilliant ideas, though, I'm sure)

Leiselb said...

freaking hilarious...you're going to get a tumor from that tinfoil....

mist1 said...

I need my phone implanted in my head so that I don't drop it in the toilet again. Of course, I did almost knock myself out on a doorknob the other day. I suppose that would have damaged my implanted phone. Maybe it's for the best.

katherine. said...

you'll start calling everyone "good buddy" and lunchtime will become a Convoy no doubt

Janna said...

Good idea with the tinfoil.

Odat said...

Breaker, breaker one-nine, you got the Shamrock here! ;-)

Peace

Ralph said...

Company furnished instant gratification...and they pay you, too? George Jetson had the same pain in the finger problem as you with your Nextel. Why not 'Rat Pack' for your handle

Random Magus said...

I actually like your idea of calling through the phone - you're right who wants to get up during their favourite show ;)
I am sure a few years from now we'll have some fancy contraption that does just that.

Aislínge said...

Wow. I remember when I had a CB with one of those huge K-something antennas on my black 1977 Camaro (pretty cool, huh? I was 19 then, a mere 20 years ago).

My handle was "Wench" since I worked then at the Ren Faire (and now if I had a CB it would be EMT Wench). I knew all the 10-codes back then - now I know the Parsippany 10-codes, as relates to the rig - 10-8 (responding to a call), 10-97 (returning from a call), 10-7, 10-20, 10-22 (always a favourite - cancellation from a call), and the ubiquitous and only standard 10-code anywhere in the US - 10-4.

I do know Bandit and Snowman. But I suspect there are many readers who don't. I think calling your manager Smokey is great. Let me know what his/her reaction is to that!

Unfortunately the fact is that your company has just doled out leashes to all of its employees. Distressing. However, if you continue to make it a game, maybe they will take it away!

Michael C said...

Silver: I'm starting to realize how bad 'instant accessibility' can be.

Meleah: It's from Smokey and the Bandit and I am getting very close to Roscoe's laugh ;-)

AA: That could be the best revenge I have ever heard...Brings a totally new meaning to 'pissed off.'

Ruby: I now have the desire to befriend you uncle.

Frigga: Not to worry, we'll come up with something really, really good!

Heart: It's only 2 months, get that office internet up and going and we'll get ya through it. 2 board system? Genius!

LeiselB: That's ok. There is already something very wrong with my head!

Mist: Yeah, maybe. Implanted phones have got to be pretty expensive to replace.

Katherine: How could I ahve forgotten about 'good buddy?' Thanks!!

Janna: Thanks!! And Welcome.

Odat: Shamrock? Niiiiice!

Ralph: Yeah, I guess it's a perk or something. Rat Pack is very good!

Random: Yes, let's hope it's only a few years away ;-)

Aislinge: A black 77 Camaro with a CB? I think that's cooler than you will ever know!!!!

Candace said...

MuNKi and I have been known to text each other from across the living room, but that's because we can say dirty stuff to each other without the kids hearing. ^_^

Your tinfoil mod sounds most effective. If your battery dies, you can just flash morse code across the room/sky.

Have you tried to get anyone to beam you up yet? ^_^

Michael C said...

Candace: Dirty texting? Yeah, I might get fired for that :D

kat said...

Hot DAMN! You are getting the company-issued-27 pound phone???? SWEET!

It's actually an indication that you are doing a fine job at Company XYZ because they have purchased vintage phones which probably, presumably, don't come cheap. They couldn't afford such a historical piece if you weren't kicking ass!

Sorry - can you tell I am also anti-NEXTEL?

Parlancheq said...

I think Lucy and Ethel need NEXTELs. That's how I call my son for dinner. Seriously.