Monday, September 17, 2007

Here’s Something To Chew On

I just finished reading a report from Reuters that said scientists in London have created a chewing gum that doesn’t stick. Well at least it doesn’t stick to streets and clothes and stuff like that. There was no mention of sticking to skin and hair, which of course are the two problem areas I have most often while chewing it. Ok, not the actual chewing, but more the blowing of bubbles.

I chew gum a lot to keep me from snacking. I also chew gum to keep me from saying stupid things. However, this requires several pieces and it often makes my jaw hurt. I don’t want to brag, but I am a pretty good bubble blower with enough gum in my mouth. Picture a baseball player with his cheek full of chew and then multiply it twice and that’s how much gum I like to blow bubbles with. Lucy and Ethel like to pop them when I do this, hence my concern about being able to have non-stick gum that will easily come off of hair and skin. I mean gum that doesn’t stick to pavement is great for the aesthetic of our local neighborhoods, but unless I fall face first onto the pavement with a big bubble gum bubble sticking out of my mouth, gum that doesn’t stick to the pavement really does nothing for me.

Have you ever been jogging or walking and you realize you have inhaled a small bug or insect? Come on, you must have. Quit laughing at me! I wonder if gum would act as a good barrier and trap said insect before you swallow it. It would save me the embarrassment of gagging while exercising in public trying to heave the inhaled insect back up. One of these days, someone is actually going to stop while driving by when they see me out gagging and it’s really going to be embarrassing. I imagine it’ll go something like this:

Nice motorist: hey are you ok? Are you having a heart attack? I can tell from your nicely muscular legs and your physique that you must be exercising. (Hey, it’s my story) Did you over-exert yourself?

Me: cough, ack, cough. Uh, no, I swallowed I fly, perhaps I’ll die.

Nice motorist: you’re choking on a fly? Ha!!! You lame-ass, what are you doing exercising outside with your mouth open? Idiot….oh man, is that Barry Manilow coming from your MP3 player? Too bad you didn’t swallow a venomous spider instead…
(jerky motorist speeds off and crashes into light pole)

Me: You won’t mess with Barry again will you? Bwahahahahahahaha!!
(fly enters my mouth again during evil laugh)
Oh $$%&%&^*&%^&^*%, I really gotta learn to keep my mouth shut!!!

While I took a few liberties in creating that situation for you, you can easily see how needed a gum is that can trap bugs from flying down one’s throat, especially when exercising in public. Another development I would like to see with gum is one that’s flavor does not diminish or that changes flavors throughout the chewing process. I think this may have been done for the chick that blows up like a blueberry in the original Willy Wonka. So apparently, we must have the technology to do this because if I remember correctly, you can’t show something in a movie unless you can really reproduce it in real life.

I really am not sure what all makes gum. I think it’s the chicklet or the gum-gum tree, so I decided to do away with tradition and actually research the answer on Wikipedia, where it it’s printed, it’s proof. I stopped my research after the fist paragraph when I came across this description of gum: ‘many modern chewing gums use petroleum-based polymers instead of chicle.’ Uh, yummy? I didn’t realize that chewing gum had two of my favorite ingredients: petroleum, which burns quite nicely, especially around the BBQ and polymers, because it sounds so modern. So basically, the way I see it, the modern piece of gum is made of the same things that our newest stealthy spy planes are. If that’s so true, then how come everyone knows when I am chewing gum and asks me to stop chewing like a cow? My gum really doesn’t seem to be that stealthy. Perhaps it’s the grape flavor. I don’t think the stealth bomber is coated in grape, but then again, I’ve never licked one. And if I tried, I could almost guarantee that I would be detained by some military officers, who in an ironic twist, would probably be chewing gum.

Important shout out: Because she was kind enough to make me an honoUrary Canadian the other day, I have bestowed upon Airam the title of honoUrary Southern California. She used ‘like’ and ‘dude’ in the same sentence, so really, how could I resist?

****Because of my work’s Monday night Booze Cruise, Q&A Tuesday will be on Wednesday again this week****


Crashdummie said...

see, another thing we have in common - bubblegum!

This post made me smile - obviously due to the post itself, but also then pic - Jarod aka The Pretender like that bazooka gum too ;)

Princess Extraordinaire said...

I have totally had the bug-in-the-mouth/eyes/face thing happen and it's no fun I tell is just wrong when they go up your nose and you can stil feel them thriving...gross...

Lis said...

I'm thinking you'll hate Singapore because of the chewing gum ban. Hee.

Patti said...

Now I understand where you get your fruit for the day - grape flavored bubble gum.

Must be full of those necessary antioxidants.

Happy non-Booze Cruising tonight!

CS said...

How about a gum with a sound barrier so other people don't have to listen to someone chewing gum? That would get my financial backing.

(I don't think I've had an insect fly down my throat, but definitely into the eyes. Hate that.)

Michael C said...

Crash: I loves me the gum chewin'

Princess Extraordinaire: Welcome. Yeah, bugs were not meant to thrive inside of us. It just violates the rules of nature!

Lis: How could I hate the country where you live? But yeah, no gum chewing?? Ouch!

Patti: Yeah, that's what it is. Thanks! ;-)

CS: That would be a very, very popular gum!

meleah rebeccah said...

I love gum. I am a Big League gum chewer. Something about shredded gum makes me very happy.

Open Grove Claudia said...

I used to chew a lot of gum, but I found out that there's a toxic substance for dogs - and my dog loves gum. Rosie will sit beside me and cry if I have gum. So no more gum.

Have fun Boozing and Cruising!

ruby said...

Do you have any idea how crushed I was when I realized Copa Cabana wasn't a happy song? Once I figured out who shot who and why Lola lost her mind???

Odat said...

I chew gum a lot too...not grape tho...peppermint....(I wonder how we can find out if a stealth bomber is coated in grape???)

Candace said...

You're probably booze cruisin' right now! Cool!

You killed me with the jerky motorist scenario. ^_^

Uh, petroleum? Like, EW! Of course chicle is tree blood, so. . . ;-)

Parlancheq said...

Petroleum-based polymers? Yuck! I may never chew gum again.

As for the bug-in-mouth problem, this is easily solved by always wearing one of those hats with netting like honey collectors wear. And now that they have that gum that doesn't stick to stuff you can blow bubbles while wearing the hat, too.

brandy said...

Ohh man! I want to be an honourary Sothern Californian too! Actually, I would like to be an Rhode Islander, but I don't know if you can give me status to a state you don't live in. Could you look into it? Oh, and if I'm lucky enough to get status, do I get to vote for your president? I know the words to your anthem and think red, white and blue are great looking colours together, so I feel like I'm well on my way to fitting in. Let me know. My fingers are crossed.

Airam said...

Just the thought that I may swallow a fly prevents me from jogging outside. I never even thought of that! Eww!!

Michael C said...

Meleah: Big League Chew is THE BEST!! See, we are twins!

Claudia: I find that very interesting! I once gave myself a haircut outside and the dog licked up my hair...maybe she just loves me that much...

Ruby: That is hysterical, but I remember when I really 'got' the lyrics too.

Odat: Just write the Air Force a letter. I'm sure they will answer it candidly ;-)

Candace: Chicle is tree blood? I'll take the petroleum additive stuff thank you very much :D

Parlancheq: Hi! That is a brilliant method. Plus, if I ever decide to start beekeeping I'm already set.

Bran: I can't do the Rhode Island thing, but like from this point on, consider yourself like an honourary Californian, dude. Yes, vote away!!!!

Airam: Yes, jogging inside is much less buggy, but you run into stuff a lot easier. Oh, unless you use a treadmill I suppose. :D

Janna said...

If only they made bug-repellent-flavored gum, the bugs wouldn't fly into your mouth in the first place.

FRIGGA said...

" can easily see how needed a gum is that can trap bugs from flying down one’s throat, especially when exercising in public."

You are truely talented for pulling off that sentence! ;-)

kat said...

I want gum that changes flavor while chewing!!!! That is the best idea ever.

Or cheese flavored gum.

The Joggler said...

This Sunday, which also happens to be Gum Chewing Day, I'm planning to run the entire Toronto Waterfront Marathon while juggling and while chewing gum.

I'm trying to regain my Guinness World Record for the fastest "joggling" marathon (which currently stands at 2 hours, 52 minutes), and this time around I decided to chew gum at the same time because people kept asking me if I could do it.

Now you've got me thinking that this gum-chewing may act as a bug blocker too. Perfect!