Thursday, September 20, 2007

Almost Smooth Sailing

Well, the big Booze Cruise was Monday night and I survived. In fact, I managed to neither fall off the vessel nor be pushed in, so all in all, it was a very good night. We really had no idea what to expect. I figured they were doing the cruise for us on a Monday night because it’s cheaper and thinking that, I had no idea what our boat would look like. I honestly expected that it would need an outboard motor that had to be primed and pull-started like a lawnmower. Plus this was a three-hour tour (I kid you not) so we were all imagining our future as strandees on an island with lots and lots of coconut shells. The other problem with a cruise is that once it leaves, it’s not like you can just get off and go back home. That is why most mass killings happen on boats because no one can leave. It’s kind of like a captive audience. Ok, I made that up. I really have no statistics to support it, although I still think it’s a very good argument.

As you can imagine, most of us didn’t get much work done Monday knowing that we were ‘sailing’ later that night. At lunch with our boss, the booze cruise is all we could talk about. I even suggested that I would offer to pay Mr. Socially Oblivious $20 if only he would wear his lifejacket from the time we boarded the boat until the time we got off. Everyone, my boss included, thought this was a great idea. I would have taken far less to do it myself, but no one offered. It’s shame too, because I’m talking like only 5 bucks and I would have happily worn that orange vest all night. Heck, I probably would have started up a conversation with our department’s VP just to show it off. I also bet everyone at the table that Mr. Socially Oblivious would end up on the railing of the boat’s bow yelling ‘I’m king of the world’ before the night was over.

A short time after lunch, four of us piled into Partner In Crime’s car and headed out for the anticipated two-hour drive. We left work early and were on our way. Apparently I must have made reference to the fact that I had $60 on me one too many times because at one point during the drive, one of the other passengers cut me off mid-sentence and said ‘we know, you’ve got 60 bucks in your wallet no shut up!’ What we didn’t figure on was the fact there we could take the carpool lane the entire way so the trip only took us 50 minutes. Fortunately, there was a Game Works arcade across from the harbor and we all took turns beating each other at racing simulators and the basketball game. Although everyone was pretty miffed that I didn’t pay for their tokens since I had that 60 bucks in my wallet. In my defense, I did offer to pay for parking. Granted I knew we could validate the parking ticket, but it’s the thought that counts here!

As the cruise time approached, we headed towards the marina. As we got closer and closer to the boats, I had the feeling that ours would be the one you could not see until you were practically falling into the water. The boats we saw were towering. Surely our company would not provide such luxury. Then we found our boat. I think it was last painted when cars had fins. We shook all the big wigs’ hands and headed aboard. Trying to lay low as usual, we took the very first table in the back. Suddenly there was a commotion and people were lined up practically to the stern of the boat. It was at this point that we realized there was a bar and it was free of charge. Oh wow, booze cruise indeed. As we set out to sea, the water was pretty choppy. As the night went on, this would provide a ton of free entertainment as we got to watch one of the members of our upper management stumble all over the top deck while swearing that what was in his cup was coffee. Seriously, he made Otis, Mayberry’s town drunk on ‘The Andy Griffith Show,’ look like a priest during prohibition. It also provided countless moments of fun for anyone near me. It was the first time I had been on a boat since diagnosed with my inner ear damage last year. It’s not that I got sea sick, because I didn’t, but it’s the fact that every time I lost my balance I could not get it back. It was like when something happened to the Enterprise crew on ‘Star Trek,’ only no one else was falling from side to side with me. Lots of people stood by and applauded my efforts though.

Late in the evening, Mr. Laylow and I decided we wanted to see the bow of the boat. I got a little nervous as we passed the bartender right before walking out the door onto the bow and she asked us if we were going to the bow as if she was taking a head count in case we didn’t return or something. We shook it off and went anyway. Before long, everyone from our office had congregated to the bow, with the exception of Mr. Socially oblivious. Mr. Laylow went and got him but I could not find the orange life preservers, which combined with the bartender’s earlier comment did not make any of us feel very comfortable.

Within mere seconds, Mr. Socially Oblivious was asking me to hold his cup so that he could ‘do that Leonardo DiCaprio thing from that Titanic movie.’ I made a comment about how he couldn’t hold his liquor when he handed me his cup and up he went. We all laughed, but no one paid me (remember my bet from lunchtime). He decided to do it a second time because someone ‘said’ they missed it. Again, no one honored our bet. Then someone said they wanted to get their digital camera so they could capture the moment. Mr. Socially Oblivious said he would do it again, but not until the camera was produced for him to see. Once it was, he handed me his cup a third time and climbed up the bow’s railing. As we were all rolling in laughter as he again proclaimed that he was ‘king of the world,’ a door opened and the boat’s captain yelled out ‘hey, get off of there! I had two people fall off this boat last week trying to do that and it wasn’t fun.’ A few thoughts went through my mind at that point:

1. 2 people in one week? That’s scary. Not scary that they fell in but scary that 2 other people actually thought they would be cool if they tried it.
2. Where was the yelling captain during Mr. Socially Oblivious’ first 2 attempts, and
3. Should we really trust a captain with an open shirt collar and pooka shells around his neck?

Shortly after all of this while we were still trying to compose ourselves, partner in crime looked at me and said ‘I suppose we can expect a moment by moment written recreation of this on your blog soon, can’t we?’ I slapped him on the back and chuckled ‘yes Partner in Crime, you most certainly can.’ You know, I still haven’t gotten paid for winning that bet…

****I know I'm a little late, but Lucy, Ethel and I HAD to record a 'talk like a pirate day' podcast. The scratching noise is them playing with a nail file. And I swear we were sober while doing this!****

18 comments:

Candace said...

You do your "O"s like a Canadian.

OMG Ethel and Lucy slay me! ^_^ Jazz hands would definitely be too much with Pirate talking!! I like that your teaching them about dead air at such a young age, but what really made me grin until my cheeks hurt were the great laughs. ^_^

Arrrr, Matey!

So people actually fell off the boat? No wonder they were counting heads, LOL! I bet ship's captains everywhere loathe that film.

Patti said...

For your own safety it's a good thing you cannot drink, matey.

Glad you all got back to shore with no casualties.

Did the captain have a peg leg? That would have been appropriate.

~*SilverNeurotic*~ said...

Boats seriously scare me. Better you than me.

Odat said...

Sounds like you had a fun time..I guess we have to make it fun in order to survive "mandatory" work outings huh?

Ralph said...

So this was the nearest thing to the SS Minnow and it's a three hour tour...Who among your office crew played the part of Gilligan? Were you the Professor? Yar, if it's a pirate's life for you, why didn't you just hijack this seasick bucket of bolts?

Beth said...

I'm glad you're alive and thanks for making me think of mass killings when I'm going on my first cruise ever next year. Yeah, thanks. :)

Hey, did you see Dale Jr.'s new number? I'm annoyed, I don't know why but yeah.

armalicious said...

Ha!! I love your booze cruise story! And that 2 people have already fallen off doing the SAME THING!! Too hilarious. And scary, yes...

I agree with Candace - Lucy & Ethel's laughs are awesome. And I forgot to say this on my comment on the actual podcast, but I do love that you told them that "silence kills"...that's what I tell people all the time when I get that "please be quiet look".

AndreAnna said...

I puke on boats. I would have been a fun companion.

Glad you had fun!

Tammie Jean said...

This is great! I love the way you tell a story :)

I tried to leave a comment on your pirate podcast - not sure if it worked, but that was too cute!!

Open Grove Claudia said...

God. There's no question of paternity with those kids - is there?? They are hilarious. Lucy is very clear and Ethel sounds like a ham. It's cool that you enjoy them so very much.

Mother Hoodwink said...

Who needs free booze when you have inner ear issues? Fun.

I don't think there are boat trips anywhere anymore that don't involve some jackass doing the "King of the wolrd!" crap.

Just telling it like it is said...

Now that was funny...Micheal that story was written so good I could swear that I was a fly on the window of the boat!!! Mister social...coffee in his cup that is funny...I bet he was hating the morning
!! tehhhehe

kat said...

Hahahah!!!!! Ok - I digress on my slamming of Talk Like A Pirate Day. Your passion for pirate-speak is infectious. You soooooo command the swab-speak.

And your offsping are even more into it than you are. The big finish rocked. It's funny - I was doing Jazz Hands when I was listening so it actually all worked out.

kat said...

Oh shit - I forgot about the booze cruise. That was a great relay of the trip. I felt like I was there. I felt all seasick and stuff!

Candace said...

Michael??

Oh, dude! I have two books for you, it turns out. Heh heh heh. . . ^_^

Lis said...

I always hate that feeling like I'm still swaying even after getting off a boat.

Also, you should provide video proof of Socially Obvious "doing that Leo thing". All three attempts. It'll be a hit on YouTube. Or Darwin Awards.

FRIGGA said...

Oh now you have me all excited about my own "booze cruise" tomorrow night. Except I have to pay for my own drinks, its a family thing not a work thing, and we all get a LOBSTER DINNER! ;-)
Oh, if you pay me $5 I'll shout "I'm King of the world" WHILE wearing the life-vest! :-0

Frances said...

Playing in those racing simulators would definitely provide hours of enjoyment. If you wish to take that fun factor to your home, you might wish to check out websites such as sportsentertainmentspecialists.com which provide such simulators.