Wednesday, September 26, 2007

The Blank Page Or Bailed Out By Bullets

I sat down to write today’s post and nothing came out. I guess I am suffering from ‘blogstipation.’ I don’t believe there is an actual medicinal cure for blogstipation as it can only be cured by stupid things happening in the news, to me or to my coworkers. Unfortunately, come blog time, none of those things had yet to happen. I tried to ‘create’ a little blog magic by starting a rumor about on of my employees that involved raw fish and a weed whacker, but it really never spread like the wild fire I hoped it would turn into. I changed my cell phone’s ring tone to Homer Simpson saying ‘DOH’ 32 different ways, but that only humored my coworkers instead of annoyed them. Then I tried to teach Lucy and Ethel famous TV catch phrases but they were more interested in watching another episode of Dirty Jobs. By the way, how exactly should I take it when my 5 year-olds ask why I don’t get dirty like Mike Rowe?

Despite all of these attempts at manufacturing something to write about today, I came up with a big fat ostrich egg. The big zilch. The infinite nothingness. That last few rotations on an old record before the needle falls off. The sum total of 0 + 0. The net worth of my PEZ collection. Yep, nada. Then I remembered seeing what some of my favorite bloggers have done from time to time: bullet points. I have never been bold enough to try bullet points, but figured there is no better time for them than during a Kirk/Spock hand-duel to the death with blogstipation. So, here are random bullets that recently occurred to me but that I was too lazy too busy to turn into full posts:

* How is it humanly possible that I can watch movies like ‘Tommy Boy’ and ‘So I Married An Axe Murderer’ a hundred times yet still laugh uncontrollably when the same joke happens over and over again? Speaking of ‘Tommy Boy,’ why didn’t ‘Holy Schnike’ become as popular as ‘Yo Quiero Taco Bell?’

* Why are the ‘crotch shot’ and other accidents made famous by America’s Funniest Home Videos so funny, especially when it hurts so much? To test my theory and determine whether it was just me or something innately funny about it, I had Lucy and Ethel watch AFV with me a few months back. Turns out it’s not just me. Heck, they laughed harder than I did…and then proceeded to slam a pillow into my man area. Curious thing though, I was no longer laughing.

* The fact that the word ‘angus’ sounds so much like ‘anus’ is a wonderous dietary tool. Every time I am tempted to order angus beef or an angus burger, I sound the word ‘angus’ out really fast and no longer crave it. The same technique also applies to shitake mushrooms.

* If there is a 99 cent store down the street from Big Lots and near a Dollar Zone store and up the street from the 98 Cent Market, why don’t I open a 97 Cent House of Bargains and take all of my competitors’ business? Or should I just find a job in a city that doesn’t have so many cheap stores within 2 square miles of each other?

* Why did both CHIPS and Battlestar Gallactica feel the need to have an overweight guy? And did the overweight guy on CHIPS really have to have a name like Grossman? What would have been wrong with calling him Officer Steve McSkinny or Officer Slim Danielson?

* No matter how old or mature I get, I will never, ever get bored of the fact that I have a Cousin Oliver like the Brady Bunch did.

* Does telling people that I was ‘giggling like a 12 year old schoolgirl’ make it harder to maintain my macho image? Is macho still a word? How come I have yet to be in a restaurant where they serve Macho Nachos? Should I copyright the name Macho Nachos? Would it be wrong to name any child I may have in the future Chimi Changa? It’s a great name for a golfer.

* Should I still proceed with my sitcom idea for a guy who lives his life according to what the late Chicago Cubs broadcaster Harry Carray tells him to do in his dreams each night? Could I actually call the sitcom Holy Cow?

* How is it that I love listening to Louis Prima but by the second half of Disc 2 of his ‘Ultra Lounge’ 2 CD set I am ready to commit horrible crimes of destruction against stationary objects?

* When will producers at the Food Network, Discovery Channel or Travel Channel bite on one of my show ideas. They can take their pick of ‘Sitcom Travel,’ ‘Taking The Country By Song,’ ‘Normal People In Normal Places Doing Normal Things,’ ‘Old People Telling Stories,’ ‘Weird Hobbies And Collections,’ ‘The Great American Scar Comparison Challenge,’ ‘Taking The Fork In The Road,’ ‘Holy Crap That Smells Good,’ ‘How Will This Taste Barbequed,’ or my newest idea, ‘Look At That Abandoned Thing On The Roadside.’

Ok, I’m out of bullets. The thought gun is empty. Perhaps I’ll have to develop some of these into full posts. But then again, maybe I’ll finally get access to Socially Oblivious Guy’s computer to be able switch his mouse speed all the way to slow next time he leaves the office and won’t need to turn these into full posts after all.


Alison said...

Sometimes bullets are a good thing.

TexasPeanut29 said...

Ok where to start???
* When did I miss the blog stating that you wouldn't be doing Q&A Tuesday anymore?
*I don't think telling people you "giggled like a 12 yr-old school girl" is hurting your macho image, because it makes me laugh so much to picture that.

CrystalChick said...

No one is funny in "Tommy Boy." There are no memorable lines. None of the characters is interesting except for the enigmatic figure played by Rob Lowe, who seems to have wandered over from "Hamlet."
Whatever....I found it funny and still laugh at all the same parts....
*please go away and let me sleep FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.
*Maybe you were watching a movie with that funny comedian, oh what's his name? Buddy Whackett?
*Fat guy in a little coat
*That's gonna leave a mark

Patti said...

"Old People Telling Stories" could be hilarious. Or it could be sadder than sad.

The bullet points idea is a great one. Sometimes things only need a paragraph or two!

The Kimmer said...

As a technical writer, I applaud your use of the bullet. Bravo, well done!

armalicious said...

Oh, MC. I am so proud of your bullets (TWSS)!

*I flippin' love Tommy Boy! Holy friend and I would watch that pretty much every day our senior year of HS. I have the entire movie memorized. And I'm totally going to start bringing back Holy Schnike...good idea!

*It's just funny to watch people writhe in pain...what can I say?

*Never thought of the angus/anus thing before. you've ruined any burger eating experiences I may have in the future.

*There is really such a thing as 99 cent store or 98 cent market? That's for real?

*CHiPS ruled! When we were in San Diego for our honeymoon 6 years ago, I got to see a CHiP for real and immediately started singing the theme song.

*I tell people that I giggle like a 13 year old boy all the time...what does that say about me? Also, I love the complete ADDish feel of this bullet point.

*I would totally watch that sitcom. Have you ever seen Will FErrell's impression of Harry Carray? "If you were a hotdog, would you eat yourself?"

*Those are some good show ideas. Especially the "Holy Crap that Smells Good" one. I want to hear more about "Sitcom Travel:, though.

wolf said...

The Offspring and I also enjoy Dirty Jobs, and after last night's show he was determined to come up with some job for me to do in order to have Mike Rowe come visit and work with me. I tried to explain to him that working with Microsoft products is about as icky as it gets, but I don't think he quite understood.

Odat said...

What happened to your blogstipation? Did you take Blog-o-bismal and get blogheria? ;-)

Open Grove Claudia said...

In the immortal words of Lo Pan, "I'm sure that even in a life as short as yours there are some mysteries." and (of course) "shut up (michael) you were not put upon this earth to get it."

*~*Cece*~* said...

Wow. Your mind was in overdrive huh? lol

AndreAnna said...

MMMMmmmmm.. Mike Rowe. I heart him.

And I still love Angus burgers.

Ralph said...

Can't you take care of blogstipation by taking a fiber supplement?

I don't think 'Angus' is as bad as describing than that far out orb in space known as 'Uranus'

Will your sitcom feature Harry Carray singing "Take me out to the ball game" at inopportune moments?

kat said...

HAHAHA! It's like Q&A Tuesday without the middle man. I was considering answering all of these questions but you didn't say it was Q&A Tuesday In Reverse. But I will say that movies don't have to be Gone With The Wind to be timeless and classic. So I Married An Axe Murderer will NEVER stop being funny.

This poem.... sucks.

Michael C said...

Alison: Yes, especially when being attacked by big vermin.

TexasP: I didn't get a ton of q's, so I'm banking them. Please don't confuse that with lazy ;-)

CrystalChick: Kudos to you!!!

Patti: let's hope that at least the pilot episode is funny.

Kimmer: Thanks! As a non-technical write, I appreciate that ;-)

Armalicious: there is so much to say in response to your comments, but I'll restrain myself because I don't want to get too excited writing about all of those things ;-)
But yes, I love Will Ferrell's impression of Harry Caray!!

Wolf: That's probably more stimulating than what I do.

Odat: All of the above!

Claudia: Ok, though I am not sure how to take that ;-)

Cece: It didn't start out that way, believe me.

AA: I think I kinda do too. In a manly buddy sort of way.

Ralph: yes, the sitcom will feature that. And lots of mispronunciations, too!

Kat: maybe you should answer them. That would be a blast!

meleah rebeccah said...

your so called got "NOTHING" posts are better than the posts I work on For Days.

Damn this was hysterical.

‘Holy Schnike’ is big in my house.

(and so is Mike Rowe and his 'dirty jobs')

"Officer Steve McSkinny or Officer Slim Danielson"

GREATEST Character names... eva.

"* Should I still proceed with my sitcom idea for a guy who lives his life according to what the late Chicago Cubs broadcaster Harry Carray tells him to do in his dreams each night? Could I actually call the sitcom Holy Cow?"


FRIGGA said...

There's just too much stuff in this one...

I think you have some awesome ideas for a new Discovery Channel show - I especially like the BBQ one, but even better (In my fried loving opinion) would be "How can I fry that?"