What To Do In ‘08

Well, we are now inside of a year until the next Presidential election. I know with the constant debates and everyone announcing their candidacy that you thought the election should be just a month or so away, but nope, it’s still a year from now. It got me to thinking about whether or not anyone (like me for instance) would actually want to be President. I suppose there have to be some perks to it, other than the obvious ones like Air Force One, my own seal (the type you put on jackets and shirts, not the type at SeaWorld, although that might become a ‘pet project’ of my administration) and having your own personal chef. And I’m pretty sure the White House bathrooms must be amazing. Well, at least the West Wing made it all look so cool (yes Bran, I said West Wing).

I’m not the best golfer, but I imagine that if I became President I would start winning a lot more rounds. The same probably goes for bowling and baccarat. Granted I’ve never played baccarat, but that’s because I don’t own a tuxedo. If I was President, I would have to have a tux and then I could play baccarat more often. Although this fun would be more than tempered by the fact that I would be required to wear suits or just pants in general. It seems that most Presidents consider relaxing clothes to be slacks and a polo shirt. I got news for ya, that is what I always thought ‘dressing up’ was. Man, it must suck to be President.

As fun as I previously thought it might be to become President, think of the liberties you give up by becoming the leader of the free world. It’s rather ironic when you stop to think about it. For example, does the FBI monitor your emails and computer usage in the White House? Because if they do half as good a job as my employer’s HR Department does, forwarding funny emails and the ‘Check It Out, I’m The President And Now I Order You To Read My Blog’ blog would most certainly come to an end. One can only assume that getting to watch 4 hours of NASCAR every Sunday would end too. To get on their good side though, I’d invite the FBI to come up and watch the Office and 30 Rock in the White House theater every Thursday. I’d even serve Juju Bees because everything is more fun with Juju Bees.

Then comes the eating stuff. It HAS GOT to be a perk to be able to have a chef at your beck and call. What worries me though is if the chef ever cuts you off and is forced by his job contract to stop you from eating too much. ‘Sorry Mr. President, you’ve had a few too many Monte Christos tonight, why don’t you head upstairs to the residence and get some rest. When that happens you are left trying to smuggle food into the White House, which only gets the food delivery guy jumped by the Secret Service. It’s an ugly vicious cycle…

If you become President, people start caring overnight about what you have to say. This means that you need to be very careful when speaking your mind. We all say things in private that we probably would not say in public. When you become President, there will always be someone there to take note of your thoughts. Once again, if I were President, I could instantly damage the United States’ agricultural industry and the efforts of parents everywhere who try in vain every night to get their children to eat vegetables when I am overheard saying ‘dangit, not green beans again. You know how much I hate eating vegetables. Why isn’t there more fried food on my plate?’

There is one perk of being President I could get used to though. That would be getting to attend sporting events and throwing out the first pitches and saying ‘Gentleman, I am the President, now please start your engines…’ Yeah, that would be fun. I’d be concerned about inviting all of the winning teams to the White House for photos though. I’m a very harsh sports fan (just ask Jeff Gordon – yeah, that was me yelling at you in September at the California Speedway). There is no way I could invite a sports team I did not like to the White House without expressing my dislike for them. I don’t think a President would be thought of very highly when he whispers to the team captain something like ‘enjoy your time here because I root against you and if it were up to me you’d be picking up trash on the highway’ or ‘you know you only won because you cheated, right) in between photo poses.

Yeah, perhaps the presidency is not for me. Not that I’d ever GET elected. As soon as the press and the guys hired by the opposition to dig up dirt on me come across my blog, I’d be finished. Seriously, I did an entire post on eggnog not long ago.