But Do They Give You An Icy Reception?

I just read an AP story saying that – are you ready for this – Iceland is the most desirable country to live in. And since I am culturally and globally stunted, this is where I begin to make fun of a country with ‘ICE’ in the name. I wonder if I’ll get as much hater-aide as I did for my anti-Clay Aiken remark yesterday? I hope so, because as the late Dale Earnhardt used to say, you know you’ve made it when they boo you. It’s when they stop booing that you should be concerned. Granted no one actually booed me and I really haven’t made it anywhere (unlike Mary Tyler Moore in Minneapolis), but I’m looking at it all positively nonetheless.

The story said that Norway had been on top (that’s what she said), but Iceland took over the honor. The US fell from the 8th to the 12th most desirable place to live. Yes, I know that is hard to believe with all of our crime, violence on TV, gambling and prostitution, not to mention Clay Aiken and Richard Simmons lurking out there! Man, I sound like my grandmother! But, rest assured, we shall once again know dominance of country-hood. I also just read that the Jackson 5, including Michael, may be touring again as soon as next year, according to Jermaine (you know, the reliable one). That and the new Star Trek movie alone should get the US back up to at least 7th, maybe 6th if the Jackson 5 include ‘Dancing Machine’ in their play list! OK, I’m kidding, we can get back to 4th if they start rocking that groove. As soon as Paula Deen opens a nationwide chain of restaurants, we will be 2nd. There is just no way we can produce enough snow to overtake Iceland though. At least that’s what they guy operating the snow machine at the local ski resort told me. I figured I should go to the experts on this…

Now on to Iceland. I just don’t know how I could possibly live there. What would I do every weekend without 2 huge lawns to mow and edge and rake? Am I expected to shave the ice instead? Will Zamboni Machines replace lawn mowers. Oh wait, that should go into the ‘Pro’ category instead of the ‘Con’ one. How will my lungs adapt to crisp, cool, smog free air? Will I go blind or into some form of shock when the air I see is not brown, but clear as the Maker intended? What will life be like without 4 hours a day of the Food Network? Iceland probably doesn’t even have a Sonic Burger or a Denny’s. Icelanders most likely don’t even know who Barry Manilow is! Although, being referred to as an Icelander might be kinda cool. It sounds like a sports team. I can’t think of any other nationality that sounds like a sports team. Perhaps New Zealanders, but I don’t know how they rank on the big list. Zimbabweans has a nice ring to it, but it’s probably better suited to being the name of a kids show. It sounds much better than the Wiggles.

I’m sure there are plenty of Starbucks in Iceland though. And if for some reason there currently aren’t, there sure will be after word gets out about Iceland’s desirability. Living in Iceland will make it nice and easy though to build an entire crowd of snowmen and women to practice my stand-up routine in front of. I can also play Godzilla from time to time and build small cities and stuff to trample over whenever I have any pent up aggression to deal with, you know from hearing Clay Aiken and stuff like that. Oooh, and a snow fort, like the one on Hoth in The Empire Strikes Back. I just hope the neighbors don’t report me to the Iceland Police for ice building code violations. If that happens, I fear the rest of my neighbors will give me a chilly reception, or worse – the cold shoulder.