Let’s Hear John Mellencamp Sing About This Small Town

I read recently that there was a small town listed for bid on E-Bay, if I read correctly (since I can no longer locate the story, but I swear I’m not making it up). Apparently it was just a few buildings but because it used to have a post office it can be considered a town. How cool would it be to own a town? Very, I say. I could buy a town and join the ranks of other famous town owners like Kim Basinger and even Walt Disney. I know Walt did not own a town, but I am choosing to give him credit for Disneyland.

When you buy a town, I wonder if you get to rename it. I hope so. I’d hate to spend that type of money and be stuck with someone else’s town name. I think I’d call it something that would be easy to read on a small map and could be readily understood by everyone passing through. The name of my town would be Michael’s Town. I realize it’s an exclusive sounding name, but the town would be very inviting and open to all. Where the money would come from to establish this town is beyond me, especially after paying to obtain the town in the first place. So, we’ll just assume that I have the money to both buy AND fix up the town. To help you better imagine my town, I am trying for something between Mayberry and New Rochelle (bonus points to anyone who knows what show was set in New Rochelle), although I’ve only seen both of those towns in black and white, so maybe I should shoot for Oz. That had plenty of color from what I remember.

That all being said, I would commission a beautiful sign at the border of my town welcoming everyone. I would seek out corporate sponsorship to somehow offset the cost of the sign (and the town), so the sign may read something like: ‘Welcome To Michael’s Town, sponsored by Coca-Cola and presented by Procter and Gamble.’ Yeah, corporate sponsorship is always a last result, but think of what the additional funds will let me do with my town.

There would definitely need to be an old-fashioned main street in my town complete with gazebo where people could perform and public celebrations could be held. It shall be called the Chevron Gazebo, presented by Frito-Lay. My town would also need a gas station, bowling alley, laser tag facility, mini-golf course, bounce house birthday place, movie theater, town hall, fire house and old-fashioned candy store/malt shoppe (notice the fancy ‘e’ on the end there?). Oh, it would need a Bar-B-Ques galore, too. Seriously, have you ever seen a town without a Bar-B-Ques Galore? Ok, a SUCCESSFUL town without one. And a Chili’s. Every town needs a Chili’s. How awful would it be to live in a town where you couldn’t drop everything and go order an Awesome Blossom whenever you felt like it? Maybe they can get a way with that stuff over in Crapsville, but most certainly not in Michael Town.

Since I paid for the town, I believe that entitles me to mayorialship (my word, but feel free to use it). Having never held public office, I don’t know what my mayorialship would require of me, but I’m hoping it’s stuff like judging pie eating contests, beauty contests, figuring out how to spend the town’s money and lots of ‘official’ afternoon naps. I’m also counting on an oversized pair of scissors I can carry around for official ribbon cuttings (and for use as a theft deterrent and my lawn care/shrubbery needs). A sash that says ‘Mayor’ would be pretty snazzy too. I’d like a top hat, but if I have to choose between them, I’ll take the sash.

I suppose folks are going to want to live in my town, so a homebuilder would be necessary. And once you build homes, you need grocery stores and sprinklers and a newspaper. Then comes a police force, schools, eventually an airport, a dump, a hospital and then a McDonalds, though not in that order, so you can call off your lawyer goons Mickey D’s. Wow, this is going to get expensive. I think the first thing I’ll do as mayor will be to pass a law declaring that deficit spending is ok and that I will need to raise taxes. To avoid having too high a tax rate I will open corporate sponsorship up to all public facilities. The school can be sponsored by Elmer’s glue, the police station by ‘Cops’ on FOX, the dump by Hefty Trash Bags and the airport by Southwest Airlines. For fun I could try to get Burger King to sponsor McDonalds. Lastly, I would consent to Terminex Pest Control sponsoring the mayor’s house. Imagine how cool the house would look with a big plastic bug lying on its back on the roof. We can put a red nose on it at Christmas time.

On second thought, just thinking of all this stuff is making me tired. Perhaps I’ll just buy the town and ‘flip’ it for a profit. I’ve watched people ‘flip’ properties on HGTV, so it can’t be too hard to unload a town that I paid way too much for, right? Oh crap, now I’m gonna be paranoid.