The One About UFOs Because I Couldn’t Think Of A Better Title

According to a Reuters news story from Monday, an international panel has asked the US government to reopen its UFO investigations. It also asked the government to open up its ‘Elvis is Dead’ file and to publish all of its research on the Flying Soda Bottle phenomenon. I however am going to focus on the UFO thing, although for the record, flying soda bottles can count as UFOs. There is however no truth to the rumor that the same panel has asked the government to open the doors to Hef’s Playboy Mansion.

A lot of people have reported seeing UFOs. Sometimes they are witnessed by groups and other times by lone individuals on dark highways in backwoods. Although it is somewhat embarrassing, I am going to use this blog to say that I have had my fair share of UFO sightings. I realize I may be ridiculed, but I have seen more than one UFO. Since I have shared that fact, I guess I should go ahead and give you the details of the sightings I have experienced.

- September 17th, 2003. During a feeding for my twins there was a soft dull rumble followed by what can only be described as something resembling egg nog mixed with cottage cheese is flying across the room. I was too horrified to reach for my camera.

- July 4th, 1996. During our annual 4th of July softball game I was playing centerfield. I momentarily took my eyes off the game to look at a girl strolling by the park. Next thing I know I hear a big ruckus and look up just in time to see an unidentified sphere just seconds before it glances off my head. This was followed by lots of laughing so I decided not to report it. There appears to have been many witnesses as the sighting is still referenced to this day

- November 3, 2002. While changing one of my newborn’s diapers, I turn away from the stinky subject and turn back around just as I see something streaming through the air. It was a yellowish liquid and therefore does not qualify as a traditional flying object. However, I saw it and that is all that matters.

- August 5th, 1997. While driving south on Interstate 15, I look up just as a UFO is striking my windshield. The same windshield I had paid to have replaced just two weeks prior. Damn UFO cost me a $150 deductible…and I never even saw it, just its aftermath.

- Thanksgiving, 1983. After the family meal of turkey, pie and a few libations, my drunk Aunt decided to show us her ‘special’ trick. This time, the UFO looked to be of the dental variety. It flew across the room and I have not been able to watch Florence Henderson do a Polydent commercial since.

- March 13th, 2007. During a ‘team building exercise’ involving nerf guns while we were supposed to be on a conference call, I hear a pop and just as I look up, I see a UFO sailing over my cubicle wall into the crowded public lobby of my office. We all scatter quickly. The UFO was never returned to us.

- September 29th, 1996. It is my first day of golf class so that I can complete my coursework and graduate from college. I am practicing my golf swing with a 3 wood while lined up with 22 of my classmates. Next thing I know, what looks like the same 3 wood is hurling through the air directly to my left. I notice that my hands are now suspiciously empty and thinking of nothing else to say, yell ‘fore!’

- June 6th, 2007. While teaching Lucy and Ethel how to hit Whiffle Balls off a tee, I am struck quickly and violently by a UFO in the Manitalia. This UFO sighting felt like it was followed by an alien probing. It hurt. That’s why I don’t talk about it.