I was planning on celebrating my 400th post in grand Q & A style. That was before I wasn’t able to get a Monday post done, so this is only post number 399, which is kinda fruitless. If you are a baseball player, 399 homeruns won’t get you in the hall of fame. So, let’s hope I can make it to 400. Before I begin, it is important to
warn inform you of the following things: nothing here was researched, my answers will probably get me forever banned from contributing on Wikipedia, my answers should never be quoted or referenced in any public or social forum, there will probably be at least one reference to Tina Fey and at least one incidence of TWSS (which is the new ‘hip’ way for me to say that’s what she said. Let’s hope it takes blogsville by storm!). So, remain seated please; Permanecer sentados por favor…
Airam begins the festivities with an Oz inspiring question. She wondered ‘If you had to choose between having a heart (like the tin man) or having a brain (like scarecrow) or having courage (like lion) or having red ruby slippers (like dorothy), which would you choose and why?’
Wow, so many to choose from. With my heart problems, I should immediately answer The Tin man, but I’m not smart enough to get by without a brain. I think I’m ok on courage and the ruby reds would make me look like Klinger on MASH. By process of elimination, I will have to say a brain like the scarecrow. Although I would really rather have that cool voice enhancing curtained telephone booth that the Wizard had. See, without my brain, I was not able to realize that that wasn’t an option.
Continuing with the ‘ask a deep question’ theme, Not Fearing Change asked ‘How do we make the world a better place?’
Since nothing was mentioned about peace, harmony or the brotherhood of mankind, I am going to answer with ‘soft inflatable bumpers,’ like the kind they use for small kids (or me) down at the bowling alley. Seriously, doesn’t everyone believe the world would be a much better place if it were just one big bounce house? I think so. We could all just bounce to and fro and I’m pretty sure that would help us all get into shape. Besides, with soft bumpers and bouncy thingies all over, it’s bound to make auto insurance rates go down. It is virtually impossible to hurt something against a bouncy side. Believe me, I have tried…extensively.
My fellow Rat Packer Ralph asked ‘Do you love your Chevy Truck so much that you would have Mabel pee on a Ford truck?’
For those of you who don’t know, Mabel is my golden retriever…not Lucy or Ethel’s real name. I have a good friend who is a social worker and she reads this blog, so I just wanna clear that up. But then, she already knows Lucy and Ethel’s real names, so my joke is kinda pointless. I would have to say no, I’m still trying to get her NOT to go in the grass, so I don’t want to confuse her even more. By the way, does anyone happen to know where there is a levee in Corona, California so that I can go drive my Chevy down by it? Or, as I believe George Jones and Tammy Wynette (who beat the heck outta Tim McGraw and Faith Hill by the way) once sang (as did Dale Earnhardt, Jr. in a recent commercial)…we aren’t the jet set, we’re the old Chevrolet set…
ARM, who can probably appreciate the George and Tammy song I just mentioned, got right to the heart of me with her questions: ‘Which character from The Office do you relate to the most. Which character do you wish you could be? Which character would you like to gouge out their eyes with a pencil?’
I probably do relate to Jim the most, but I’ve got a lot of Kevin and a little bit of Toby in me (TWSS – that’s what she said….was it ever more appropriate? Plus I got it worked into this post). I most wish that I could be Jim. I mean he’s probably gonna get Pam and he already has Karen. What’s next? Jim gets Jan Levinson Gould?? As far as the pencil gouging, you might think I’d say Dwight, but he’s so entertaining. I would say Angela. When I’m annoyed, it would be Kelly.
Lone Grey Squirrel shows that he is the true intellectual with his questions.
1. (Economics) Why is it that I am poor while Paris Hilton is rich?
That’s a good question. It might have something to do with the fact that your family never established a very large hotel chain (I'm assuming). I’m not sure she has actually ever made a dime on her own. Then again, she probably doesn’t even know what a dime is.
2. (Science) If the Star Trek Holodeck was really invented, what would you use it for?
Good question. Perhaps I would use it to take Tina Fey (there, I worked her in) to a greasy diner for disco fries and corn dogs while I make her read my blog until she gives me a job. I might also pretend it’s one big bounce house that serves lobster and has plenty of Lime-Aid on tap. Yes, now I want a holodeck. Can they be ordered by catalog yet??
3. (History) What really happened to the Lost Colony at Roanoke Island, Virginia?
I don’t know, we never found them. Get it? They’re lost and we never found them? Ok, you’re right, it might not be as funny as I think. My guess is that they heard there were no Starbucks in Virginia and headed for the Carolinas.
4. (Art) What is the difference between a painting done by a chimpanzee and one that is sold for millions as modern art?
Most likely it’s due to the fact that the chimp flings its own ‘eliminations.’ Or perhaps the chimps don’t have a good agent like Thomas Kincaide does. Seriously, do we need to have bath towels with his paintings on it? I think Charmin will be releasing their ‘Works of Thomas Kincaide’ toilet paper rolls in the fall.
5. (Sociology)How do ugly guys like Mick Jagger get such pretty wives and girlfriends? Is there hope for me?
The obvious answer is money. One could also say it’s his stellar dance moves, but I used to impersonate him in high school and never got one single date out of it. I think it’s because his pretty wives and girlfriends know that they will have access to his closest, like is leggings and stuff. Get some sweats, a tight fitting leotard-like shirt and some leggings and there is PLENTY of hope for you!
6. (Politics) How can squirrels conquer the world?
One nut at a time (that’s what she said – it’s just so hard to stop saying that!!) First they probably need to form a political party. Then develop a military. My parents live in the mountains of Southern California and I have seen squirrels there fight over one peanut. Believe me, they have what it takes to rule the world. Cue the scary background music….
Next up is Brandy. Wow her questions were tough for me this week for some reason. You all have to respect her because she keeps a Dwight Bobblehead doll on her nightstand. This means that I have to surrender my claim to being the World’s Biggest Office Fan’ to her. She asked:
1. Would you rather have sustainable world peace or free cheese for everyone for the rest of eternity?
I don’t really think there is a choice to me made there, Bran. Free cheese for everyone forever WOULD lead to sustainable world peace. Our arteries may be more clogged than my spam email folder, but we’d all be so happy that we’d forget our differences. Loss of blood flow due to the clogged arteries would probably help us forget just a little too.
2. Is a dream a wish your heart makes, or is it the result of a life time of images, sounds, ideas randomly being put together in a haphazard way that mean nothing?
That’s deep Bran! Quite possibly, too deep for me. However, I will attempt an answer nonetheless. The ‘images, sounds, ideas randomly being put together in a haphazard way that mean nothing’ is actually my blog. I don’t think there are very many random dreams. I don’t dream very often, but when I do, it was a dream that I enjoyed so much I was upset when I woke up, which must mean there was a reason for it. Perhaps this could be due to the fact that waking up means it’s time to head to work…or that I dream about food and wake up hungry.
3. If you could be anywhere else right now, where would you be? And does Martina McBride ever age, or is she part robot like I suspect?
Right now I would choose to be on a Caribbean island, or Scranton, Pennsylvania. It’s a very tough decision. Martina McBride has not aged a bit since she debuted in about 1995 singing ‘My Baby Loves Me.’ Although I’m a Sara Evans man myself, she is a beautiful woman who never fails to look or sound amazing. I think she’s more angel than Robot. The real robot is Shania Twain. Every song sounds exactly the same…I blame her husband who is her
SilverNeurotic asked ‘Who did you have to bribe to release you from the loony bin...er...the hospital?’
No one. I just annoyed the heck out of them until they could endure me no longer. Bringing in outside food, walking way too far from the nurses station, randomly taking one of the heart monitor leads off my chest and keeping my room at 62 degrees all no doubt helped facilitate my discharge. Next time I’m hospitalized, I’m going to sing ‘What’s New Pussycat?’ Whenever a nurse enters the room. I’ll be there one day, tops!
Erica AP also had a question about dreams. She asked ‘Have you heard of people only dreaming in black & white or in cartoons? And do you do that?’
I have not heard of the cartoon part, although it would be VERY cool to have a cartoon dream. I did once watch 8 straight Simpsons episodes and only saw things in yellows, blues, reds, whites and purples afterward. I have dreamt in black and white though, but it usually ends in a richly produced full color segment.
The Exception again posed some great questions, including one from a youngin…to give me practice. She asked:
Since you have been at home with the girls throughout this week, what is your favorite children's program - what is your least favorite?
Favorite – Those damn Wiggles. It was the Simpsons until Lucy and Ethel got old enough to repeat what they heard…oops. Least favorite – Barney. Always Barney!!
Is there a children's tune/song that drives you crazy as you have heard it just one too many times?
Toot, Toot, Chugga, Chugga Big Red Car. And anything from High School Musical
Did you prefer Ginger or Maryanne?
Maryanne. The pony tails, the humility, the overalls and checked shirt. She could actually give Daisy Duke a run for her down home money!!
And the question posed by my 7 year old this week: (drum roll please)
"How does the sperm get into the woman's body?"
It’s magic. Or I could Dr. Seuss/Grinch it up and say ‘it comes from here and ends in there.’ If and when I am asked that one by the twins, I will be more squirmy than the spermie…
Last but certainly not least is Patti. She asked: Michael, if money were no object and you had it to do over, would you go to medical school?
No. Too much work. If money were no object, I’d build an amusement park with a food theme. I’d call it Kitchenland…
She also asked 'If so, in what field would you specialize? (I'm thinking cardiology)'
If for some reason I passed out and woke up in medical school, I would specialize in the pinky toe, quite possibly the most useless appendage ever.
Thanks for all the great questions this week! I now have a headache and can't see straight. Maybe I'll go visit some more blogs...
****Update***** Crap, I knew this would happen eventually. I forgot to answer a question. It was my best blogging buddy Odat's questions. Ooops!!! In her infinite kindness, she said I can answer them next week. Which just increases the probability of me forgetting again. Bwahahahaha