Wednesday, August 08, 2007

It’s Got A TV, It’s Got A Bed, But It Ain’t No Hotel

Have you ever had one of those weekends you were looking forward to because you just knew you were going to be able to get away from it all for a while? I’m kinda, sorta, maybe about to have one of those weekends. There will be beds, there will be chairs, there will be TV and there will even be room service. Sadly though, it will not be the Holiday Inn, but it’s guaranteed to be much cleaner. No need to look at the sheets and mattresses with a black light here. This great vacation getaway even comes with its own stylish clothes. Nope, it’s not a country club and contrary to popular belief, it’s not a place for me to mentally rest for a while. And no, I’m not having my face reshaped or serving time for something I can’t recall doing. Besides, my coworkers said they weren’t going to press charges. Not that anything happened, but let’s just say if something were to have happened, how would one get burn marks off cubicle padding and peanut butter out of a CD-ROM player?

Where will I be vacationing later this week? It’s…….the hospital! Yes, I won four fabulous days and three amazing nights at my local Los Angeles hospital. I get to go in for a new medicine for my heart on Friday and will be staying through the weekend. I plan on sleeping, I plan on writing, I plan on Wi-Fi’ing (can I say that….I think it’s a verb), I plan on reading a great new book I bought and I plan on not having the potential side effects that are forcing me to have to be hospitalized in the first place. Here’s the deal, all I know going into this luxury-filled weekend is that the nurses assigned to me have to be trained in administering this medicine and observing me after I take it. And that folks, is a very comforting thought! There may have also been mention of possible fatal side effects, though when my cardiologist said this I was busy getting a burst bubble gum bubble off my lip and out of my hair. In my defense, gum takes a lot of effort to remove from skin and hair. I did learn a valuable lesson though; next time I mentally come back to a conversation and someone is asking me if I have any questions, I should say ‘yes’ instead of ‘nope, understood every word. Now can I have my sucker…preferably grape?’

Since I’m really only being monitored IN CASE my heart reacts badly to the medicine, I’m
hoping that I can still wear shorts and a t-shirt instead of, well, ‘the gown.’ I know I’ll be asked to do some walking, so I want to be comfortable without being exposed. I am also looking forward to lapping all the older people in my ward as they take their laps around the nurse’s station, although I had to promise I wouldn’t bump anyone out of the way, like I did when I was last there after heart surgery two years ago. In all fairness to me though, I would have won if Grandpa Jones hadn’t fallen and protested the finish! I was gnawing on ice chips for three days waiting for my blood pressure to drop while I was getting over that illegal call.

All in all, I think I’ll get through the weekend just fine, although, if you don’t see another post by me by late next week, well then just assume the worst. Yes, it means my computer probably crashed. I’m already busy lining up visitors for the weekend, trying to find leis and straw hats for the nursing staff and figuring out how to have a whole pig cooked in the parking structure. I have finished casing the area around Sunset and Vermont for good dives where my friends can make food runs for me and just got back from the bank with the stash of cash that should allow me to bribe my roommate for the bed closest to the window. In light of the fact that I have to have an EKG every two hours, I’m just wondering if I should have taken out a little more money so I can bribe my way out of the nighttime tests too.

I take my vacations very, very seriously! You could almost say that I take my vacations to heart. To me vacations are a matter of life and death. It’s just heartbreaking to take a vacation and not enjoy it. All that time off can really get one’s blood flowing again. You wait all year to take a vacation and then it’s over in a heartbeat. Ok, I’m done…I promise. Though I hope I was able to get to the heart of the matter with this post. That was the last one, I swear…

40 comments:

Awesome Mom said...

Good luck with the heart medicine. Be nice to the nurses, they can do awful things to you if you are not careful.

phishez_rule said...

Good luck with it all. I'm sure you'll be fine. I look forward to a post dedicated to hospital 'food' next week.

AndreAnna said...

I'll be sending good vibes your way. When I was in the hospital for my gall bladder, it was the first break I had had in 11 months. Sad, I think. :)

Good luck.

Michael C said...

Awesome: Yeah, I've had a meanie or two in my time!

Phishez: Thanks! yes, critiquing the food and the service are high on my list.

AA: Thanks! I ca see myself asking for LOTS of sleepy time pills!!

meleah rebeccah said...

"Wi-Fi’ing" is my new favorite VERB.

No one can make staying at a hospital for really scary reasons sound so glamorous.

Best Wishes, I hope that all goes well with the new medication, and that you get to wear shorts!

Beth said...

I'll be thinking about you and hope you have the heart to return from this fabulous vacation soon! :)

Airam said...

Well I hope you enjoy your "vacation". Just remember not to use your IV like a straw!

And hurry back!

Odat said...

Here's hoping and wishing and praying (isn't that a song?) that all goes well for you!!!! If you have to wear "the gown", take pics!!!! hehe....
See you soon!!!!!!
Peace

Terri said...

Best of luck this w/e Michael.

By the way you are the master of sarcasm and double entrendres!

ARM said...

Hope all goes well on your "vaca"!

And can I say that you crack me up a little bit? I've read through some of your recent posts and your profile and you're making me giggle and people are starting to look at me with that look. No, but seriously, you know your country music and that alone will have me coming back for some archive reading later on.

Jeremy said...

I started to read this and figured you were going to mental health hospital for a few weeks.

Seriously, you probably will enjoy all the things you listed it to you certainly won't get any sleep for four days! Hope all goes well.

Heart Of Darkness said...

Awwwww....


Well, at least you'll have a GREAT book with you... ;)

Heart Of Darkness said...

And probably a nurse looking just like Julie Bowen...

...with the humor of Tina Fey...


...and the legs of Kasia Cerekwicka...


...and the smile of Weronika Książkiewicz...



...and the cutness of ola...



...and the spunk of Ari...



...and the body of Rena Sofer...



...what else could you possibly wish for? :D

katherine. said...

a really attractive nurse could really give your new heart medicine a test...smile Hoping for an uneventful vacation.

(peanut butter by the way....works best to remove gum from hair...)

FRIGGA said...

Well here's wishing you the best this weekend, I hope it all goes okay! But just to be sure, please no practicle jokes on the nurses, they have strong drugs and you don't want to wake up to find you've been prepped for an "extra" surgery :-0

Michael C said...

Meleah: Thanks! I guess Wi-Fi'ing is better than Fi-Wi'ing, huh?? ;-)

Beth: Good one! Thanks

Airam: Yeah, that could end up pretty badly!!

Odat: Just 'cuz I take pics doesn't mean I have to post 'em, right?? ;-)

Terri: Double thanks!!!!!

Arm: Thanks for stopping by! Although indirectly, I guess I should thank David Allen Coe, huh??
;-)

Jeremy: After no sleep all weekend, I may need to go to the 'other' hospital!!

Heart: Reading the book will be the best part. And there really is nothing else I could even dare wish for!! (except maybe a business partner!!!!!)
;-)

Katherine: yes, but I doubt that's in my 'therapy' regimen. ;-)

Frigga: No, you're right. Guess I better behave!

Leiselb said...

Ok I totally thought (at first) you were going to one of those monasteries where they let people rejuvenate. Uh. Ok, so I totally suck at the guessing game.

Good luck at the hospital...that's awful your heart is in such bad shape but I think the situation really is....you're a guinea pig. Yep. That's what I think.

And as for the old people-- my older dad had quadruple bypass and he was lapping the hospital the next day. So there. ;)

Michael C said...

Leiselb: I only had a valve replacement and your dad would've wiped the floor with me!! kudos to him!!! ;-)

brandy said...

Hasn't anyone told your heart that hospital visits are so passe? I mean, Lindsay and Mischa are all about weekend visits, surely your heart could just smarten up so you could do something else with your weekend?? Seriously though, from one frequent hospital patient to another, I hope everything goes well. Fingers crossed you get all the nice nurses and a gown that isn't scratchy. (that is, if you end up having to wear the gown)

Michael C said...

Bran: Yeah, I'm so unhip still visiting the hospital. I going to start a petition and get it signed by all my fellow patients declaring I don't need a gown! Am I allowed to tip the nurses if they are nice to me??

Ralph said...

Micheal, get well because I don't want to hear Sinatra singing 'The Last Dance'...Get a bigger hard drive after it crashes. Get more bandwidth (for your heart, too) and keep writing...

Michael C said...

Ralph: I always thought I'd hear 'My Way' as I crossed over. ;-) I plan on being back early next week. If not, I'm computer shopping!!

Michael C said...

Jenny!: I forgot to say that it rocks you have been to Nixon's library...and met him. Seriously, I met Reagan once...he didn't remember me though...sorry had to.

brandy said...

I THINK you can tip nurses, but I wouldn't try and stuff the bills in their bras- that might be taking it too far.

Michael C said...

Bran: You are an indispensable source of knowledge for me. Thanks for helping prevent me from making THAT mistake!! ;-)

Patti said...

I mentioned to Ralph last weekend I felt something was not right with you. Just had a feeling.
Sending prayers and good thoughts your way.
Let's hope your physician stayed at a Holiday Inn Express before treating you. It seems to make people so much smarter. ;-)

Who sang "You gotta have heart" I wonder? That song just popped into my head.

;-)

Patti said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Michael C said...

Patti: Thanks so much! Unfortunately, I don;t remember seeing a Holiday Inn near the hospital, but they cracked my chest open 2 years ago and got me through it. This should be a cake walk for them!! ;-)

Patti said...

Haha - I forgot I was going to send you a story I did last week. It's NASCAR related....woo hoo!

Michael C said...

Patti: Woo Hoo indeed!!!!!

Patti said...

Local NASCAR - don't get too excited

Patti said...

you should have it, but we just experienced technical difficulties

brandy said...

You know, I was thinking about it- maybe you SHOULD try the bra stuffing bit. At the very least it will give you some interesting blogging material.

brandy said...

In moments like this, I ask myself, "what would tina fey do?"

Michael C said...

Bran: I'm not sure if Tina would stuff a bra, but she would be sarcastic, and hilarious and awfully darn cute. I'll have to work on those 3!!!! ;-)

Erica AP said...

I hope there is no bad reactions and I hope you have a nice vacation if that's what you want to call it. :)

Mother Hoodwink said...

I totally relate to a hospital stay being a vacation. For the last three years I have stayed in the hospital three different times (pregnancies and gallbladder) and I already know I'll be staying again in 2008. (hint, hint) I'm excited for it because I kind of like being catered to.

I hope everything goes uneventful for you. You'll have a lot of people thinking about you.

kat said...

Oh my. Good luck.

May I suggest one of those plastic ape asses to tie around you. You can wear it under your hospital gown and take long, leisurely strolls through the corridors of the hospital.

Might make the visit more fun.

Lis said...

All the best! Hope you get some hot and funny nurses!

CS said...

If you stay on the maternity ward, you could get all the jello you want - might be something to consider for your next stay.