We May Have Our Differences, But Once A Year We All Flush As One

I think I have heard about this before and I am sure residents of Miami are getting sick of hearing about it, but I read an AFP story this morning that just reinforces how pervasive that little football game they are scheduled to play Sunday really is. The city of Miami is asking that their residents try to avoid using their toilets during halftime to avoid overworking the city’s sewage system. They figure that the majority of attendees at the game and residents throughout the city will all be flushing during the same period. What’s more amazing is that an estimated 90 million people across this country will be flushing at basically the same time.

It begs the question of why this event is not tied into a charity. It is quite rare in this country that 90 million people (let alone just 90) do anything together. Of course I haven’t taken the time to research this, but I imagine that there weren’t half that many participants in Hands Across America, and that got it’s own song, didn’t it? Again, I have to ask you the reader because I didn’t research it. Let’s turn the big halftime flush into a charity pledge. We should get large corporations to donate 50 cents to a dollar for every flush. It could be called Flush for Freedom, Flush for Food, The Flush Fund, Flushing for Dollars or Flush Rush ’07. If successful, that would be almost 90 million dollars going to whatever charity that’s decided on, if not several charities. I’m sure musicians well past their glory days would volunteer to do PSAs or collaborate on a charity song commemorating and promoting the event. Heck, that will just generate more for the charity.

Flush for freedom, flush for the poor, flush for all the things we feel bad for
If you gotta go, people should know that we care about their pains and woe
Get off the couch, don’t be a slouch, after eating and drinking all day it’s finally halftime when you can flush it away
It’s time to flush, flush. Down it goes…all this country’s sorrow and woes
Drink that extra beer; let’s make a real change this year.
Help people improve their lives. Husbands, children and wives
When you flush, it’s such a rush sending heartache and pain right down the drain
It don’t matter if it’s numbers one or two, flushing to help is the least we can do
Flush for freedom, flush for the poor, flush for all the things we feel bad for

Now back to the logistics of the halftime flush. Miami says that it has the capacity and ability to facilitate the expected surge in restroom usage. It’s a good thing too because you can just imagine the problems that could arise if all of the flushing and water usage put a strain on the city’s equipment. How embarrassing it would be if the National Guard had to be sent in to assist with clean up of Miami’s sewage spill. Would any Mayor really want to request disaster relief and assistance for a massive sewage accident that stems from a sporting event? I imagine a problem like that would really put a damper on the Super Bowl’s second half.

Don’t worry, as a concerned American, I’ll be doing my part. I plan on not consuming any food or liquid until midway through the 3rd quarter on Sunday, thus needing to use my facilities later than everyone else does. I figure it will offset my traditional Super Bowl halftime shower, car cleaning, lawn watering, dishwashing, fish tank water switch out, ice cube tray filling and annual Super Bowl front yard dancing water spectacular, which the neighbors have really come to love. Obviously, as a patriotic, civic-minded person, not flushing the toilet during halftime is the absolute least I can do. Join me in waiting a little while longer to flush on Sunday, won’t you?