Thursday, January 04, 2007

Predictions For The New Year

For the last few weeks, I have been reading people’s takes on the passing of 2006. I say it’s now time to focus on the future and look to what we have in store for 2007. Besides, it’s a lot easier to make stuff up that might happen than to have to research and report on what really occurred in 2006. So, on to my predictions for 2007.

Personal Predictions
I predict that I will come home from a rough day at work one day to see all of my friends and family waiting for me in the living room. I will open the front door and realize that I’ve walked into an intervention. At that point, all of the people I care about will begin to detail how I need to stop blogging because of all the time it takes me away from doing other things and that my writing has become an embarrassment to my family. I will obey them for a few days and then return to blogging. I also predict that my twins Lucy and Ethel will continue to act 50 and ask me about some of life’s most philosophical questions like why is the sun yellow. When I give them the best answer I can they will still tell me that I am wrong. However, I won’t get mad because they are so darn cute.

Entertainment Predictions
I predict that there will be more of the same poor excuses for entertainment in 2007 as there always have been, with a few notable exceptions. Since the game show revival has about run its course, I predict that network executives will bring the Gene Rayburn show Match Game back to TV. It will be called ‘Match Game 07’ and will be hosted by either Tom Bergeron or Richard Hamilton. Panelists will include Charles Nelson Reilly (I think he’s still alive), Fred Willard, Adam West, Oliver North, Tammy Faye, Englebert Humperdink, William Shatner and Morgan Fairchild. It will truly be an awesome collection of this nation’s finest talent. To add the extreme element that has pervaded today’s game shows, one important change will be implemented. When a panelist gives a wrong answer, the contestant can shoot them. Sadly, it will be cancelled in the middle of its second week.

Inspired by the success of The Beatles Cirque du Soleil show, Elvis Presley Enterprises will launch an all Elvis version. Unfortunately, it will feature music and interpretations of his great classic 60s movies like “Girl Happy,” “Girls, Girls, Girls,” “The Trouble With Girls” and of course, “Kissin’ Cousins.” There will also be an accompanying CD of his movies’ most popular tunes like “Return To Sender” and “The Ft. Lauderdale Chamber Of Commerce” that were remixed and blended for the show. The show will be called ‘Elvis: How To Waste The Prime Of Your Career Du Soleil.” Sadly, it too will be cancelled in the middle of its second week.

Lastly, I am predicting that Britney Spears and Lindsey Lohan will record a duet titled “Come Here Baby, I’m Drunk.” Despite its embarrassing lyrics, it will remain on the charts for weeks, buoyed by its suggestive and racy video that features a cameo by Wayne Newton.

Cultural Predictions
PEZ will finally release its “Kings Of The Late Night Talk Show” series AND it will include Chevy Chase and Pat Sajaak. I am also predicting that the big word of 2006, ‘truthiness,’ will be replaced by ‘erroneous.’ It will catch on quickly and be used in the following ways:
“Dude, this pizza tastes erroneous.”
“She looks so hot in that t-shirt, she’s just erroneous.”
“Hey man, who erroneated my homework?”

Top News Predictions
2007 will be the hottest year on record (actually, this one is true). Contributing factors will be global warming and the ramping up of the 2008 presidential election. I am also predicting that another 34 individuals will announce their candidacy for president. Some of the notables will be Bob Dole, Al Franken, Chris Matthews, Pink, Rosie O’Donnell, Donald Trump (just to tick off Rosie), Ben Stein, and the guy who provides the voice of Stewie from FOX’s “The Family Guy.” Another huge story in 2007 will be the selection of Time Magazine’s Person of the Year. It will be ‘Everyone Who Wasn’t Named When We Selected You As Our 2006 Person of the Year.’

Congressional lawmakers will contribute to a big 2007 news event. This time it will have nothing to do with sex or money but will still involve complete ineptitude. Under pressure from the lobbyists of large retail chains like Target, a bill will be drafted to make the Christmas holiday begin July 5th and end on Memorial Day weekend. The bill will actually be passed and made into law when both houses of congress hastily approve it (and a bill making Alfred E. Newman the face of the new one dollar bill) before leaving for their recess.

So there you have it, my predictions for 2007. It should be a heck of a year. Although, if any of these come true (or don’t come true, for that matter) please don’t blame me. I’d rather keep repeating 2004! Happy New Year…


Empress Bee (of the High Sea) said...

what kind of dispenser do you think pez will use when it releases its kings of the late night talk show series? i think a bobble headed southpark kid would be good.

and i personally would trust a dollar bill with alfred e newman's face on it. he's kind of cute in a howdy doody way, doncha' think?


Sarge Charlie said...

I predict a 3 dollar bill will be issued, Hillary on the front and Bill on the back.

Thanks for stopping by my place

mist1 said...

I hope that my erroneous zone gets lots of attention this year.

Le Nightowl said...

Interesting predictions. I'll make my own about 2007 next year, because:

"You can only predict things after they have happened."
- Eugene Ionesco

... New blog now open :)

Odat said...

Ya know that there's a little bit of truth in all of these...;0.
Very funny post, tho!!! I think the one that most likely SHOULD come true is that intervention...hahahahahah!(kidding of course)...Oh btw, is it Monday there???? ;-) If so, AARRGGHH!

ShadowFalcon said...

I predict this year will be much like the last...

though is predictions come true...I predict I'll win a few million pounds!

Dan said...

Bob Dole, Al Franken, Chris Matthews, Pink, Rosie O’Donnell, Donald Trump (just to tick off Rosie), Ben Stein, and the guy who provides the voice of Stewie from FOX’s “The Family Guy.”

Actually every person you mentioned is a better candidate than the ones who have officially announced. I would even take a ticket of both Rosie and the Donald. It would make for an exciting four years.

Natalie said...

I can't wait for Match Game '07, I think it would totally catch on. Fred Willard is the pefect person for that show. Adam West is a close second in my book. I am also glad you rblogging intervention will fail because then I would have one less thing to keep me from my work.

Pickled Olives said...

Ben Stein for President!!!!

Michael C said...

Empress: Howdy Doody makes me think of Ritchie Cunningham? How about you?

Sarge: I guess it would be called The Clinto Bill. Thanks for stopping by my place ;-)

Mist1: Here's hoping!!

Le Nightowl: Congrats on the new blog! I will be very scared of any of my 'predictions' come true ;-)

Odat: Yeah, I thought people would be rooting for that intervention
;-) Happily, today really was Friday!!

Shadow: I don't know how pounds convert into dollars, but I'm all for it!!

Dan: Amen brother!!

Natalie: I'm glad I have finally found another Fred Willard fan!!!

Pickled: Bueller? Bueller?

Violet said...

We don't get Pez in NZ, as far as I know. I wish we did - they sound fun.