My Obligatory Idol Post

This being my first American Idol as a blog participant, I’m not sure of how many will post about American Idol, but figured I’d get mine out of the way. The thing that immediately struck me was how appropriate that ABC was running a special two-hour entertainment version of America’s Funniest Home Videos opposite Idol. Their cacophony of people falling off stage, running into one another and other performance themed accidents is to me what is really funny (how can anyone resist a crotch hit or baseball bat to the groin? Seriously, I see one and I’m incapacitated for 30 minutes giggling like a 12-year-old schoolgirl). At least all of those people intended to be laughed at when they submitted their tapes. Sadly and rather unbelievably, the same can’t be said for most Idol contestants. The worst part is that no matter how bad they are they can’t believe it and either can their love-blinded parents.

The Idol phenomenon is just plain scary. Of course you knew that the attractive and sassy Colombian girl would make it through to the next round, right? I was pretty confident of that the moment she walked through the door and the camera panned her up and down. Speaking of doors, do you think that they had one side of the double doors locked on purpose? After about the 10th person almost broke their wrist (and certainly their pride) trying to exit, perhaps they could have put a ‘use other door’ sign up. Oh well, at least we got to laugh at that too, right?

I thought it would be a fun time for Lucy and Ethel to watch all the bad singers. While they enjoyed it, I’m not sure it was a good idea. I certainly don’t want them beginning to judge people, especially when they told me before bed that my version of Rascal Flatts’ ‘Croaking Toad’ (or is it Broken Road?) was horrible, simply horrible. In their defense, I guess I was in the wrong pitch, but really, how does a four year old know about that!

I wonder if I could have any success with an Idol rip off? My first thought is ‘Congressional Idol.’ Contestants from every state could vie for a special 101st seat in the Senate. It would be like the real ‘voice of the people’seat; someone who’s only constituency would be the American public… and maybe Coca-Cola…and General Electric…ok and Ford, but that’s it…ok Kraft Foods too…seriously that’s all.

The tryouts would consist of everyone giving their best politician-style campaign speech. They would be ranked on incorrect use of popular catch phrases (like ‘my peeps’), overly used hand gestures (the Clintonesque thumb over fist comes to mind), repetition of past popular campaign quotes (what political speech would be right without ‘I feel your pain,’ ‘wouldn’t be prudent’ and ‘you are no John Kennedy’) and poor voice inflection. Extra style points would be issued for over the top crazed-man screaming and use of props, such as pens inserted into hands or flip charts with financial graphs. A panel of judges could be assembled that would include Howard Dean, Bob Dole, Paul Tsongas, Gary Hart and Michael Dukakis – clearly the most successful politicians to ever run for office. I’m sure it would be a ratings smash for C-Span, or maybe public radio…

How about ‘Sales Person Idol?’ Some large company could pony up its best sales job with the best perks to the winner. Contestants would be judged on their sales pitches. Although we’d probably still see the bad jokes, costumes and juggling. Judges for this gem could include Anthony Robbins, Ron Pompeil of Ronco’s ‘set it and forget it’ fame and Miss America (if she hasn’t had to resign in controversy yet).

Those are just a couple of poorly thought out ideas that could be pursued as Idol alternatives, should any studio exec be reading this. Although if they are, let me tell you briefly about my idea for a cop show where both detectives are emergency room doctors and can only speak in iambic pentameter. It will star David Spade as washed up cop Danny Spinucci and Roseanne Barr as aggressive, no-nonsense Captain Banner (veiled Star Spangled Banner reference intended). The show’s working title is “Stat,” but I’ve also thought of “Emergency Cops” and “Operation: Police.” I’m hoping to get Bob Newhart to play the meek and unconfident police chief, Dr. Detective.

Perhaps having Fred Willard read my company’s HR manual would be a bigger success. I know I’d gladly watch. One night of Idol and I’ve been reduced to writing about this. It looks like it will be on again tonight to ensure that an entirely different city’s worth of contestants won’t be able to show their faces at work or school tomorrow morning (or perhaps for the next month). Oh well, at least I know the Food Network will probably have a half dozen of Rachael Ray’s different shows on to watch tonight instead. Now that is entertainment!