Hypochondria And The Four Year Old (X2)

I haven’t often written at length about my twins Lucy and Ethel (not their real names of course, those have been changed to protect the somewhat innocent), however something has been going on with them the last few days that I finally deemed blogworthy. I hope you don’t mind, I was really short on ideas today.

No matter what spin I choose to put on it, Lucy and Ethel are hypochondriacs. As I haven’t been around a lot of four years olds, maybe this type of behavior is normal for that age. I really don’t know, but it’s starting to concern (and yes, annoy) me. I have no idea where they learned to make a big deal out of every scratch, scrape and boo-boo. Certainly not from me. While I may have been accused in the past of being one, I was exonerated of all accusations two summers ago when I had to have major, major surgery. It kind of wiped the slate clean, so to speak. Their latest episode concerns a few shots they had to receive in order to be registered for public school.

Going on day 4 of the post shot trauma, Lucy and Ethel are still acting as though the arms that received the shots do not work. They both are holding their arms close to their body as a bird would hold its broken wing. That is of course until something exciting happens, at which point they forget about the ‘pain’ and let the injured arm in question flail about. They are terrified of the band-aids coming off and keep acting as if this devastating incident has permanently changed their lives. As one of them walked into the bathroom the other day, I actually heard her grunt rather angrily that she would never get another shot again. I had to laugh since it’s exactly how a grumpy old man would act in the same situation. Needless to say, my laughter wasn’t appreciated.

As a father, I feel bad for them, up to a certain point. By now though, I figure it’s time to move on and get over the pain. I am also starting to worry that Lucy and Ethel will both lose the use of their band-aided arms due to atrophy. They will each move the wrists on those arms, but that’s it. You should see them try to give me five with just their wrists and minimal arm movement. I’ve tried to engage them in using their hurt arms, but both refuse. We were able to get the band-aids off last night by bribing them with chocolate. I knew that would work, as a chocolate bribe (cleverly hidden inside the ring box) was the same way that I persuaded my wife to marry me. It was comical when the band-aid came off. You could see the momentary flash of surprise on their faces when the removal didn’t hurt before they went back and resumed their crying. Hopefully the absence of band-aids and the sweet smell of chocolate adrift in the house will get us past this traumatic event.

It concerns me though that hypochondria may be a permanent character attribute for both of them. I had a doctor tell me a few months ago that the health provider network he works for did a study where they discovered that a very small percentage of their patients used the majority of their services. I certainly do not want Lucy and Ethel to fall into that small percentage. I have worked with hypochondriacs before and it gets very annoying to deal with. These are usually the unluckiest people in the world. In one year, they can catch the Avian Flu, Tuberculosis, get frostbitten, dyslexia and even be diagnosed as manic-depressive and illiterate. I guess I should feel more compassionate for someone so unlucky!

Not knowing where Lucy and Ethel got this characteristic from makes it hard to stop. I guess we will have to manage one illness at a time. I just wish I knew where they had seen this hypo-behavior so that I could cut it off at the source. Oh well, maybe it’ll get better with time. For now, I guess I’d better get going and make my own doctor’s appointment. It seems that with several people in the office currently sick and the twins coughing in my face for the last three weeks, I’ve come down with the Bubonic Plague…