Sunday, January 28, 2007

Repost Sunday: Do My Eyes Look Like Marbles? The Continuing Adventures Of Binoculo.

I rerun some of my older posts on Sundays as a way to highlight stories that you may have missed. Just think of it as 'thought recycling' and a day off, or that I am incredibly, incredibly lazy. This was originally posted September 20, 2006.

What follows is not for the weak stomached or faint of heart. According to the AP, Claudio Paulo Pinto of Brazil has his eye on a world record. You’re asking what the big deal about that is, well I’ll tell you. He can pop his eyes out of their sockets .3 inches and is working on breaking the current record of .43 inches currently held by a woman right here in the United States (with all respect to Lee Greenwood, it’s another reason I’m proud to be an American). That’s popping them out far enough to make the eyes of Sesame Street characters like Elmo, Cookie Monster and Kermit look like mere goose bumps!

The AP says that this world record hopeful was recently laid off from his job working in a haunted house (there’s a shocking surprise). I can’t imagine how one goes about popping the eyes out of their sockets. I know it happens frequently to animated characters, but it’s news to me that real flesh and blood people can do it. Apparently, it’s called “globe luxation,” although that sounds to me like something more relaxing than a violent ocular protrusion (for lack of a better definition).

My mind boggles at how Mr. Pinto discovered he had this “gift.” Was he blowing his nose? Did he get hit in the back of the head and then his optical orbs popped out? During a dream, did a voice come to him telling him to try to pop his eyes out? Was it a dare? My guess is that someone said something that really, really surprised him and his body’s natural reaction to it was his eyes protruding out of their sockets.

I’ll admit that as I’m writing this I’m trying to bear down as hard as I can to get them to pop out, but no dice. I guess having that special ability makes Mr. Pinto almost superhuman. He actually has a super power. He can zoom in on an object the way a digital camera’s lens can extend to zoom in on something. But what would be an appropriate name for a man with such powers? I’ve got it, Binoculo, the human pair of binoculars.

Binoculo roams high rises at night zooming in on darkened alleyways looking for the city’s evil doers in his never-ending attempt to prevent crime. When the city is in distress Binoculo looks towards the skies and sees a spotlight beckoning him to come to the rescue. Of course all Binoculo can do is see at longer distances, so he still has to call the police and by the time he calls them, reports the crime and the officers show up, the perpetrator has gotten away. Without Binoculo though, no one would know what the suspect looks like. What an asset Binoculo is.

Who would have thought that such a seemingly disgusting bodily action could be so positive? Although if he’s successful at setting the world record, won’t it ruin Binoculo’s secret identity? Something tells me it’ll be pretty easy to spot a guy who can pop his eyes out on command


Odat said...

That is so bizarre! I think there's a lot of Binaculos in NYC.

I think my pug dog can do that...he may even be "Binaculo" and I may not even know it! Oh my!!!

Dan said...

Well? Did he break the record? And are his eyes still in their sockets?

Diesel said...

I'm with Dan. We need an update.

I think I can do that eye-popping thing, but I'm not sure I can put them back so I'm afraid to try.

Lone Grey Squirrel said...

Do you remember comedian Marty Feldman? He played Igor in Young Frankenstein. I don't know if it actually popped out but his eyes were almost as large as the muppets'. He could have been spooky but instead he was funny.

ShadowFalcon said...

The idea of eyes popping out of your skull scares the beegeebars out of me

Le Nightowl said...

This is really funny, Michael, and well worth a second posting.

R2K said...

This is classic stuff.