Sunday, April 20, 2008

Wait Until They See What I Hid In My Fake Arm…

Don’t you love tomfoolery? I don’t mean the word (though that’s pretty cool too), I mean people doing less than smart things. According to the AFP news service, tomfoolery can be done with limbs. You may not think that’s possible but the story I’m about to make fun of comment on totally proves it. Are ya ready? It’ll be good. I promise. A man was recently convicted for smuggling baby iguanas from a small South Pacific island into southern California. I guess he was thinking ‘Iguana have lots of illegal baby lizards in my home.’

Or not, but admit it, you saw that cheap line coming from a mile away. Seriously, these ARE the jokes folks. I’ll be here all week and remember to tip your waitresses please. Maybe he had just finished watching ‘Bizarre Foods and had a hankering for reptilian relish. I’m kidding, I’m kidding. But, I hear it’s really good on all beef hot dogs. Again, kidding!

Whatever the reason, he stole them from an island preserve, and if I remember correctly, they are called ‘preserves’ because the areas are set aside especially for, well, PRESERVING species that otherwise might become endangered or extinct. Let me translate this for you: preserve is another way of saying hands off. Now, while that may be incredibly uh, ‘anti-smart,’ the story gets even anti-smarterer. How did he smuggle them into the states? Inside of his prosthetic leg of course. Now granted, I can’t tell you whether it was the right or left leg, but that’s not super important, right?

I’m just hoping that part of his fake leg had some type of compartment or pieces that closed up tight because frightened baby iguanas probably bite and since they can only crawl up, well, you know what I’m getting at. I’m sure they move around a lot when in confined spaces too. Can you imagine what that flight must have been like? No? Let me give you some examples…

Older Refined Woman With The Window Seat (ORWWTWS): Excuse me, do you hear that hissing sound? Hearing it in mid-flight is making me nervous, sonny. (Sorry, I had to add the sonny for effect)

Fake Leg Smuggler (FLS): Hissing? Really, hissing? Uh, um, well, it’s probably just the hydraulic fluid leaking from the plane’s wing flaps or something.

Or

ORWWTWS: Excuse me young lad, are you quite all right?

FLS: Me? Yes, uh why?

ORWWTWS: Well, I hear a lot of banging around and it seems to be coming from your leg.

FLS: Oh, that’s called Rickets. I’m surprised you haven’t already had them.

Perhaps this is what might have transpired…

ORWWTWS: Pardon me young man, but did you just put reptile food down your leg?

FLS: Yes, I was bit by a snake on vacation resulting in a custard thick greenish yellow puss-filled abscess. Shoving reptile food that will dissolve inside of it is the only known antidote. However, I am very self-conscience about it and I embarrass easily, so I’d rather not give you all the details, except of course to use the unnecessary and highly descriptive words ‘custard thick greenish yellow puss-filled abscess,’ ma’am.


And that’s why we should never steal baby lizards from South Pacific Island preserves by hiding them in our prosthetic body appendages.

The End.

15 comments:

Amymax said...

Ok MC, I learned a new word this week, and being the kook that I am (keeper of odd knowledge, according to best bud and wife)I couldn't wait to share with you. ready?

ORWWTWS: Excuse me young lad, that hissing sound emanating from your general direction is quite unnerving. Are you feeling well?

FLS: Oh...uh...sorry 'bout that. That South Pacific cuisine gave me quite a case of borborygmi.

Dr.John said...

Wow! My grandfather , well step grandfather had a fake leg. I wonder what he smuggled.

best bud's wife said...

Sis,
Great word. Borborygmi? You are a kook. Michael, I think we should pay her a dollar for using that word.

Patti said...

Yuck re: yellowish-greenish custardy-like pus

Other than that, funny post!

FRIGGA said...

Aww man, I guess I have to come up with a new money making scheme. I guess it's for the best, as I was NOT looking forward to chopping off a limb so that I'd have room for a prosthetic one... 8-)

Amy said...

'Anti-smarter'...you crack me up.

That would be one heck of a long flight!

What is this world coming to?

Odat said...

LMAOOOOO....that was one funny post!!! "....did you just put reptile food down your leg?" OMG!!!!!

Peace

meleah rebeccah said...

Dying Laughing At This Post. DYING.

meleah rebeccah said...

Dying Laughing At This Post. DYING.

citizen of the world said...

It's creative, you have to gove him that. But quite creepy. Creepy-crawly, even.

(And my god, I can't leave the logosphere for even a week without you publishing a thousand posts!)

C said...

A hissing prosthetic appendage. At least she did not think he was passing gas.

Ralph said...

Is that a snake in your jeans, or are you just happy to...never mind!

Candace said...

Just think if they had escaped!! You know Sam Jackson would have been right there screaming Motherf**king lizards on a Motherf**king PLANE, Motherf**ker!!

Michele said...

That makes me squirm just reading about it. Putting baby lizards down your leg? Oh the possibilities. Too funny! But yuck on the pus reference, nasty stuff. I have to say though, you definitely gave me a very descriptive idea of what it looked like. I guess that's what they mean by show, and not tell huh?

sari said...

Yeah, but it COULD have grown up to be Godzilla. That would have been cool.