Friday, April 06, 2007

The Top Ten (And A Half) Ways To Annoy Your Coworkers

I post a Top Ten and a Half List every Friday. Why ten and a half? Because I don’t want to be accused of stealing a great idea, of course…So, here are the top ten (and a half) ways to annoy your coworkers:

11. During a staff meeting, inconspicuously look up at the ceiling as though there is something there. Eventually your coworkers will look up too and when you catch them yell ‘Gotcha’ and get up and do the happy dance.

10. Sing the lyrics to either ‘Yellow Submarine’ or The Bee Gees’ ‘I Started A Joke’ all day. Trust me, by the end of the day every coworker will be cussing your name as they catch themselves singing it, no matter how much they confess to hating the song. This works. I’ve done this successfully in elementary school, junior high, high school, college and every job I’ve ever had.

9. When the coworker across the hall from you leaves their desk, steal their pen. When they leave again, put it back. Repeat as many times as you feel necessary to get enjoyment from it.

8. Every time a coworker asks you for the status of a project you are working on, simply respond by saying something like, “I don’t know anything about that. Are you sure it’s me?” “I disavow all knowledge of that particular subject at this particular time,” works well too.

7. Use the speakerphone for every one of your calls all day.

6. When you get into work Monday morning, excitedly exclaim, “Wow I caught that Matlock last night. It’s great! How long has it been on and why did no one tell me about it before?”

5. Force all of your coworkers to acknowledge and act as though there is a pretend door in the entrance to your cubicle like Les Nessman did on ‘WKRP in Cinncinnati.’

4. Call your coworker’s extension every few minutes, recite a few lines of ‘What’s New Pussycat’ in Spanish and then hang up.

3. Every time you need to get up from your desk to get something off the printer, skip instead of walking.

2. Even though he didn’t, tell your coworkers that your boss asked you to let everyone know that Friday will be casual dress. Then show up Friday in your shirt and tie and act shocked and appalled at everyone’s inappropriate attire.

And the number one way to annoy your coworkers is:

1. Get a glue stick, a green Sharpie pen, several large paperclips and fasten them to…


thethinker said...

I hate it when my dad sings Yellow Submarine. Actually, just reading it in your post got the song stuck in my head.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Michael, you're a bad boy.

I'm trying to figure out how "What's New, Pussycat" would sound in Spanish.

I'd pay money to watch you skipping to the printer.

JR's Thumbprints said...

That Matlock show is one of my favorites; right behind JAG.

mist1 said...

We all live in a...

Damn you.

Violet said...

It is such a shame that an adult cannot skip without attracting strange looks. Skipping is so much fun but I just can't risk being thought retarded.

captain corky said...

I may just try skipping instead of walking on Monday, but if I get fired I know exactly who to blame.

Lady Rose said...

LOL I'm so glad I found your blog it cracks me up! I'm adding you my blogroll so I can be sure to stop by often. (skips off to find more adventures!) Lady Rose

Kerry said...


~*SilverNeurotic*~ said...

We all live in a yellow submarine
a yellow submarine
a yellow submarine

God dang it!

Happy Easter!

Anonymous said...

One of my coworkers came in the other day to find his desk was gone. I think he was upset. It didn't make it any less funny.

Patti said...

Let's not forget singing "Hey Jude" ad nauseum...

Patti said...

P.S. I added you to my blog faves like lady rose did.
You crack me up as well.

Michael C said...

thethinker: it is classically annoying.

heartsinsanfrancisco: really? how much money? ;-)

jr: I'll have to try JAG, I've never seen it.

mist1: sorry about that ;-)

violet: my coworkers would grill me if they saw me skipping!

captain corky: I could probably cover your unemployment for a day or so.

lady rose: thank you. you're welcome back anytime.

kerry: thank you

silverneurotic: sorry, the urge to sing it will go away within 24 hours. Happy Easter to you too.

Stacey: If our desks weren't bolted to the cubicle walls I'd try that one too ;-)

Patti: thanks for adding me. I agree with you about Hey Jude. By about the 5th minute I'm banging my head on the wall.

Abigail S said...

You forgot the key one- Restart your computer every half-hour. When it makes that start-up sound, offer an altoid to the person sitting closest to you. Do it for weeks, until you have that person conditioned to need an altoid everytime he hears a computer start up.

Erica AP said...

What are you going to glue them too??? Is that the 1/2 one that you claim is your great idea? Now I feel empty and alone... I need to know!

Michael C said...

Abigail: That is an AWESOME idea

erica ap: that was the 1/2 of my great idea...only problem is I never thought of the other half. sorry

CS said...

In the town, where i was born, ia man, who sailed to sea...Aaaagh! Curse you!

Odat said...

How do you say "What's new pussycat" in Spanish???
We've put vasoline on door knobs in my office...(sorry micheal, yes we have doors here)....I play the baby laughing video all day sometimes....I wonder why my coworkers find me annoying....